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Would you be happy with this??

22 replies

squishyegg · 04/06/2021 10:59

Partner has just announced he's going to America for work when our baby will be around 6 weeks old. We have another son who will be going to school etc so I guess he just expects me to juggle it all?

He also said he doesn't have to go but wants to.... I think that's the thing I'm annoyed about the most!!

OP posts:
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SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2021 11:02

I wouldn't be happy, how long is it for? Ask him what his plans are for his share of the childcare and housework?

Findahouse21 · 04/06/2021 11:05

DH travels for work all of the time - he has itchy feet at the moment!! First trip was when dd was a week old, to China. But we knew this when we talked about children, although I don't think you know how hard/easy it is until you do it. How we manage:

DH busts a gut before he leaves to get everything as ready as he can, just little things like all recycling taken out, bins emptied etc, to take that load off of me.

On his return he stays awake all day and then I let him sleep the whole night and lay in the following morning so that he is back on UK time ASAP.

We let nursery and school know that the children may be feeling a bit wobbly, especially if he hasn't travelled in a while.

He uses some of his evenings there to contribute to 'life admin' that he can do online

WhatsGoingOnHereThen · 04/06/2021 11:06

For how long though? 2 weeks, 12 weeks, forever?

It's not ideal but work is a commitment you sometimes just have to suck up. Pre covid my DH traveled to the Far East and London a lot, he tried to avoid any trips where possible and avoided immediately pre and post birth, but there's only so much he could do.

My Dad worked in America for months at a time when I was a kid and my mum was at home with 5 kids, so it's not impossible. Difficult yes but you're a team, you each step up when needed.

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Checkingout811 · 04/06/2021 11:07

How would you feel if he stopped you taking a work trip you wanted to go on?
You presumably knew his work involved some foreign travel prior to having the DC? I don’t see the problem tbh

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2021 11:33

How long for?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2021 11:34

So it's ok for op to potentially be 4 weeks post c section with an older child at home and possibly no family support because he WANTS to go on an OPTIONAL trip?

squishyegg · 04/06/2021 11:39

It'll be for 10 days. I won't have any help as we have no family nearby

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2021 11:47

Have you told him you're unhappy?

rainbowstardrops · 04/06/2021 12:02

I think I'd tell him exactly how you feel and go from there.

DinoHat · 04/06/2021 12:27

Can you get some help in for that period?

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 04/06/2021 12:41

For only 10 days! Oh come on OP Hmm

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2021 12:46

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

For only 10 days! Oh come on OP Hmm
She might still be unable to drive due to C Section if baby comes late, I certainly wasn't up for lifting around a pushchair / car seat even at 6 weeks. It's also the point at which the hormones really kicked in and the world descended to a dark hell of being convinced the babies hated me and cried to punish me. With first born we weren't even out of hospital.

I know anything can happen at any point but there's so many unknowns that early.

And yes, lots of posters were single parents / partner flew out 2 hours after the birth with triplets and they returned to their high flying career whilst carting the triplets in baby carriers to do 4 school runs a day at the end of 3 mile hike on top of a mountain. But op doesn't have to do it alone, he's CHOOSING to go on an OPTIONAL trip

JennyWren · 04/06/2021 12:51

It is possible - when my children were young, including newborn, my husband worked away from home a lot. Thankfully for me, he would be away every week but home every weekend.

For me, the trick was to go with the flow and limit my expectations on myself. I have two pieces of advice, if you want them?

Make baby’s feeding times a treat for your older child. For us, it was reading time. I had a basket of new books, and during feeds I latched DS on and DD could snuggle up with me on the sofa and we would read until DS was done. Then we put away the basket and only got it out next time. So it was always ‘special’ for that time, when I couldn’t have been following DD around the house and needed her to sit still and engaged. She loved it - it wasn’t DS’s feed time, it was her snuggle time. Your son is a bit older, so his treat might be different, but you know him better than anyone, and what will ease things for you.

And - buy microwave pasta and rice, because there will be some days when boiling a pan of water is too much to do. But by having those and portions of leftover curry/casserole/whatever in the freezer I knew I and my toddler could eat well with minimal effort, and the rest just followed. That, and Mars bars and cereal bars and bottles of water in a basket in the bedroom for me, during night feeds. I was often ravenous then, and when I needed sugar or carbs, I needed them straight away and easy access.

It was harder when DH was away after I went back to work, but on maternity leave you really can please just the three of you. Figure out what you need, and the rest can be ignored.

Smartiepants79 · 04/06/2021 13:09

Is it something that can be easily cancelled if needed?
Is there really no one who could come and help you out for a week? Parents who could come and stay?
In the end I think it’s fair enough for you to not be looking forward to it. Only you had he know if he really needs to go or not. Will it negatively effect his standing at work if he doesn’t?

Carbara · 04/06/2021 13:15

What are his plans for outsourcing his share of parenting and chores for those ten days?

Middleofthenight2 · 04/06/2021 13:54

Can you afford some help? Maybe a cleaner to come in twice and a babysitter for your eldest? Or ask some school mums to help out with school runs for a bit/use breakfast club to give yourself a longer day.

user7891011 · 04/06/2021 15:28

I'd say absolutely no way ☺️

Findahouse21 · 04/06/2021 15:42

@user7891011 genuinely, or is that just a figure of speech? Baffled about people who wouldn't open up a conversation an discuss it to try to make sure both parties needs are met...

Checkingout811 · 04/06/2021 20:26

I genuinely don’t know anyone who couldn’t manage for 10 days, 6 weeks post c-section. Myself included and one of my 3 ended in an extended stay.
It’s 10 days, your older DC will be at school for 7 of them presumably so just you and a newborn?
When’s the baby due? Will you be able to sit out in the garden on weekends incase you’re not driving any reason?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/06/2021 20:40

10 days would have been a hard no from me.

Chelyanne · 04/06/2021 20:49

If he didn't have to go then yes I would also be very annoyed but would be fine.

As a forces wife I'm used to my husband buggering off back to work when I have young babies. He will only get 6 weeks home when this baby arrives in August then be off again. It's a juggling act but you get it done, we have 5 kids and a dog already so I'm a pro lol.

DinoHat · 05/06/2021 10:27

@Checkingout811

I genuinely don’t know anyone who couldn’t manage for 10 days, 6 weeks post c-section. Myself included and one of my 3 ended in an extended stay. It’s 10 days, your older DC will be at school for 7 of them presumably so just you and a newborn? When’s the baby due? Will you be able to sit out in the garden on weekends incase you’re not driving any reason?
Plenty of my friends struggle for a night with their toddlers let alone newborns and toddlers.
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