Is this normal behaviour for a 3yr old?

[Aug12]

Hi there,

I obviously am fully aware that concerns need to be discussed with a health visitor but I would just like some other mums opinions if possible?

My little one has recently turned 3, we have been having a few issues for a while now but family and friends reassure me that it is due to the lack of interaction with other kids during lockdown.. examples are kicking/punching other children when out and about, he gets sternly told ‘that’s not nice behaviour, don’t do that again’ if he does it again (which he always does) he is removed for time out until calmed down. Usually after time out, he will play nicely for a few minutes then will resort to this behaviour again and the cycle continues. I take him away from the other kids to try and diffuse things. It is one extreme to the other and some times when our he will continually try and hug or kiss other kids, which I do prefer to him being violent, but still this is a behaviour that has to be stopped (other kids don’t like being hugged all the time)

I am unsure if it is related or not but I will give full info.. we have other issues regarding noise eg If our pet bird makes a loud noise he will start to cry until bird is covered up as it hurts ears, equally hoover noise causes a lot of upset.

If outside playing and a toy gets wet or grass on it, he will cry until you take a towel and dry off the toy or clean off the dirt. Even going on a bike ride, he will get upset as he wheels are getting dirty as he is going along and we have to promise to wash the bike off when we get home to soothe him. He has no problems with getting muddy or wet himself though. He likes messy play.

We have recently started a structured group activity twice a week as everyone says he needs more socialisation. First time we went he was terrified and wouldn’t participate. Second time was a bit better, joined in a little bit but coming over to me for lots of cuddles. Today was a disaster trying to kick and punch the other kids there then after getting old off was trying to cuddle them instead. Not able to line up with the others or follow the instructions the teacher was giving. (The instructions were not difficult and if at home and settled and asked to do these things, he would easily manage to.)

Pre lockdown we went to lots of toddler groups and met up with other mums and toys but the past year he had weekly park play dates when restrictions allowed but that was all.

Is this normal behaviour? Is there something else going on? Is it my parenting?

This is all normal, even without lockdown plenty of 3 year olds are like this!

It is normal for plenty of little ones. I wouldn't give him the warning though- if he punches another child he should be taken to calm down there and then (my youngest is small for his age and is often on the receiving end of punchy kids and I wouldn't be happy if it happened twice because the child was just told 'that's not nice')

Hi ladies, thank you for your input. It’s nice to hear from strangers that it is normal, albeit tricky, behaviour!

How would you tackle it? As obviously what I am doing is not enough because as soon as time out is over, within minutes he’s back hitting etc again. We have on a few occasions after his 2nd timeout, if he does it again he goes straight home and followed the threat through.. but then the next time we are at the playpark/group he does it again so is not learning this isn’t acceptable

Firm boundaries and stick to them. So, one hit and you leave. He will tantrum because he's upset but you have to accept it. Keep doing this and he will learn.

I don't think it sounds abnormal. Agree with pps about the hitting. Regarding the dirt my now 4yo has been like this and still is a bit.

Have you told him what he is allowed to do with other kids? From his perspective he’s not allowed to hit/kick, so he tries to be kind and hug them but that’s wrong too!
I think you might need to get more involved with his play for a while, lots of positive, specific praise when he showing the right behaviours, alongside the sanctions for hitting etc.
How does he play when it’s just the two of you? Can he take turns? How is his language?

My 2.5yo is a bit like this. I really recommend the books 'How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen' and 'The Highly Sensitive Child', its really helped us with some tools to get through each day happily!

I wouldn’t tolerate any violence towards another child, as we go to the playground I would say if you hurt another child we will leave straight away, and will follow through every time.

I agree with "one hit and we leave immediately". It's annoying for you, especially if you've only just got there or paid to enter, but it's the ONLY thing that worked for my DS2 when he went through a hitting phase. You say this doesn't work, but if you've only tried it occasionally I think that's why - you have to be completely consistent and do it every single time.

Remind him every time at the start that this is what will happen.

It's not ideal behaviour but he is only 3 and it takes a while for them to understand the consequences of their behaviour. With the cuddling, is that him trying to say sorry and make up with the other kids after he's hit them? It's like he's trying to go into overdrive with making up because he knows he's done something he shouldn't. Perhaps a bit more of an explanation and clear instruction is needed from you? So after a time out say to him "say sorry to X for hitting them but you don't need to cuddle them".

You have my sympathies btw. When DS2 was going through the hitting phase I found it so stressful!

My daughter is the same age. But she has been to child minder/ nursery and so hasn’t had the same issues with being able to spend time with other kids. I’m not aware of any of the nursery kids behaving in the way you describe but my 4 year old nephew behaves exactly the same, he shielded for most of last year. It does sound like your little one really wants to play but isn’t sure how. That’s how my nephew is. It’s not their fault, Or anyone’s fault, it’s just the result of the last year. I think they do need time to learn.

Have you spoken to the activity leader? They might have some ideas about helping him get used to other kids and being in a group? Maybe there are some kids in the group who are really resilient that he could play with who will tell him what to do? Some kids respond well to others make believe games or games that are about copying what other people do.

All sounds normal.

Agree on firm boundaries- do it now whilst he's still removable from situations!

The other stuff. In the nicest way it sounds like you are quite anxious and looking for a problem. Let him be three. Three year olds have quirks as you've described. I'm with him on the bird noise though. Sounds painful!!

Don’t worry, yes it’s challenging but it’s totally normal! I’d probably suggest you hover around him until the hitting phase passes to try pre empt. Any hitting should result in him going home immediately. And remind him to give other children space. Get involved with his play at home and lots of praise for playing nicely. He’ll get there! I’d also be tempted to sack off the structured group as it’s clearly not for him. Which is also totally normal, mine couldn’t cope with structured stuff until 3 and a half. Find something where he can still socialise but is a bit more free flow like a playgroup. Mine also had a phase of getting upset about stuff getting dirty too but we made it into a game which she loves- now her toys get muddy in the garden and afterwards she gives them a bath (tub of soapy water and an old toothbrush).

I watched a documentary that said all children arbore with crying levels of aggressivity. It needs to be socialised out of them before they turn four. Or it stays with them.

Agree all sounds normal, similar to my 3.5 yo. Whilst I agree with the firm boundaries especially with hitting other children, I have found having a reward chart helps. Make a huge fuss about every time he 'was kind to friends' or 'did really well at swimming' with a small treat for 5 stars or whatever... it made our days notably happier when we started focusing on some of the good, and it did help prevent bad behaviour too.

I'm a nursery/reception teacher and not yet a parent so only have experience from that side but I do a lot of work every year to support children who are struggling to interact with their peers. So if you don't mind my advice I'll give it but have some questions which may change it slightly- Is he just 3 or nearly 4?
-What's his understanding of spoken language like e.g. can he follow simple instructions and can he parrot a short phrase that you've said back to you?
-Is there anything that happens to trigger him hitting or kicking other children?

I'd do lots of turn taking practice at home. Lots of play scenarios -gettinf teddies out and showing how they play nicely together - and maybe the teddy that gets a bit pushy has to sit outside and miss the fun!

I'd also teach a sequence for saying sorry. My 2yo DS signs sorry (circle rub of the chest) and then strokes your arm and says sorry.

If he ever hits you do a big fake cry but be convincing. All play stops.

Importantly don't shout when he does hit other kids. Take him off, get down to his height and calmly explain why you've left the game/play.

I could've written the first bit of your post. My DS is nearly 2 but has been very 'over affectionate' for a while. Since quite young he would go up to other kids and try to hug/kiss them but sometimes it would be quite forceful. I always let him give a hug/kiss at first if the other child was okay as I dont want to discourage affection but then I will say something like 'I think name has had enough cuddles now', and then try to encourage him to play with them instead.

The hitting/pushing I find so difficult. My mum used to play 'pushing' as a game and I really feel that didnt help things as it was then funny to him. She eventually stopped after being asked a lot. It's hard because everyone says it's normal behaviour but I never see other kids doing it. Only ever my DS. As he is still quite young, I do tend to stay near him when playing sometimes and encourage playing nicely. If he hits, I immediately remove him form the situation, he usually throws a fit, I tell him that's not nice, we dont hit. Then, once he's calmed down I tell him to say sorry. The issue atm is he can't actually say sorry, he will give a kiss, but a lot of the time a child who has just been hit, doesn't want a kiss.

I have had many a meltdown about it already, feeling like I'm crap and why my kid. It's actually reassuring to read your post.

Morning ladies,

Thank you all for responding, i accept that my parenting is not being harsh enough, I will try the remove and go home instead of timeouts for the next month and see if that makes an improvement. I will also check out those books recommended and see if I can adapt my approach.

To answer some of your questions, he has only just turned 3 not 3 nearly 4. Won’t be starting nursery until August. When at home we do play together a lot and he will take turns and share really nicely with me but when daddy gets involved with games, he will hit him and tell him to go away he’s not sharing with you. So that is a good point, we could involve dad more in play at home and go from there. His speech is very good, very good communication skills and is meeting all his milestones with the ages and stages questionnaires that the health visitors do with them.

You’re right, I probably am looking for a problem where there isn’t. It’s just when he’s out and about, the other toddlers are all playing lovely together and mine isn’t. Or the others are riding their scooters and mine is in floods of tears because his wheels have got grass on them and it just feels so stressful and I wonder why is he not the like the others.. I need to stop comparing as they are all different.

We’re chalking up yesterday as just a very bad day, we’re going to get ready and go for a bike ride/ scavenger hunt in the woods this morning, have some fun just the 2 of us as I’ve been working a lot this week and not had enough quality time with him.

Thanks again

Sorry I missed the bit in your OP where you said he'd just turned 3.
If his language is pretty good you could try practising some play scripts with him, e.g. if he wants a turn with a toy ask him to say "Can I have a turn?" In nursery we model good responses for the child who has the toy "When I'm finished", "Not yet" and "In a little while" you'll be able to model these responses for him but it will be trickier in that you can't really model that to the children he's playing with! But you could practise what he can do if they flat out refuse, practise choosing something different or coming to you for help. Also, lots of naming emotions, e.g. "I can see you might be feeling frustrated/sad/angry that it's not your turn but we don't hit" and when he's calmed down and can process a bit more "Hitting hurts and that made your friend sad, it's not kind to make people feel sad."
It might also be worth practising looking at facial expressions to help him understand when children don't want him to be affectionate, again this will be tricky as you're not responsible for the children he's playing with but when you remove him from the child being cuddled/kissed try and say "Look at his face, he doesn't like you being that close" also model asking for consent before giving a cuddle/kiss, this just needs to be as simple as "Would you like a cuddle?" Like others have said this can be done with teddy bears to practise, teddy could shake her head and then you can model a response like "Ok, I'll still be your friend"
This is going to take a long time for him to learn as it is a really difficult skill set, (some children will still need support at age 5) and he almost certainly won't get it right straight away, particularly as he's still so young but it will be excellent practise for if and when he goes to nursery and school.