Introducing new partner

[Mky9]

Looking for a womans perspective here if its OK.
I have a 10 year old daughter, I've been split with her mum for about 8 years (quite a rocky relationship but she never stops access) I see her all the time and we have a wonderful relationship, we really are best friends.
I've stayed single for all that time as I never felt ready to bring someone into my daughters life.
This changed about 9 months ago and I've met someone wonderful who I see my long term future with. I waited quite a few months before I told my daughter and then a few more weeks before they met. We met 4 times once a week for very brief walks in the park and things went very well.
After the last meeting I got very nasty texts from the ex saying she's stopping access as this is upsetting my daughter (not the impression I got at all) Me, my daughter and the ex sat down and had a talk, we agreed that my daughter wouldn't have any contact with my new partner for a while. This has been 2 months now and my partner is getting frustrated, we want to move things forward. I know my ex is getting into my daughters head from comments she's made (she basically told me this morning)

At this point now do I.....
Tell my daughter she has to accept us?
Do I ask her mum to stop poisoning her mind?(this won't end well)
Do I wait till my daughter asks to see my new partner?

Me and my partner have never so much as had a crossed word in all the time we've been together apart from this issue. I really do believe I've handled them meeting the right way and genuinely worried we will split up over this.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, cheers.

Sorry you are having a rough time.

Your daughter is 10 which is still very young. The most important thing is she feels comfortable. If you start pressuring her to see your partner and her mum is pressuring her in the other direction, that isn’t great is it? You can’t control your ex’s behaviour, you can control yours.

So for now, let it be. Your daughter and your partner don’t need to formally meet (I don’t mean you have to go to huge lengths so that they never clap eyes on each other). Your relationship is still quite new - around spring next year, if your daughter hasn’t asked to meet her, then you could start arranging the odd lunch or whatever. And obviously if you move in together it will all just become part of the furniture.

Your new partner isn’t covering herself in glory here, by the way. It’s odd to say she is ‘frustrated’. Your daughter isn’t some challenge she needs to get through so you can ‘move forward’ with you - and unless you are getting your daughter used to her because you are about to move in, a walk once a week seems excessive - she isn’t your daughter’s friend. (I think it is at least possible your daughter found it a bit much and mentioned that to her mother.)

I think you need to push back with your partner and say interaction with your daughter will step back for now, because there is no reason to pressure your daughter and it will be counterproductive. Also be clear with her that a close relationship with your daughter isn’t something she needs to develop to have a relationship with you. If this causes some tension between you - that’s just a relationship maturing, you cannot be at the honeymoon stage for ever. At the same time, be clear with your ex that your new partner is around for the long haul, so she will have some interaction with your daughter in future. (She can’t stop access to an 11 year old so don’t worry.)

Also - just check in with yourself that you aren’t trying to get your partner and your daughter to play happy families for you. Let them find their own level of relationship organically. You sound like you are a great dad, but your daughter didn’t ask you to hold off on having relationships and it isn’t her job to build a friendship with your partner (obviously she should be polite.)

I hope it works out for you all and there’s no reason it won’t. I am a step parent myself so I know it isn’t always easy. The key thing is to take it slowly, and take time to consider everyone’s feelings.

You’ve only been with your new girlfriend for a less than a year (during the pandemic, when presumably you wouldn’t have been together unless you moved in ridiculously early). Absolutely shut that ‘getting frustrated’ shit down immediately, how dare your girlfriend pressure you and your child to rush into things. Your girlfriend doesn’t actually need to be in your kids life at all, why not keep your dating life separate to your kid? Easier all round.