Considering a second baby with a husband who does very little with our first

[busydrizzy]

We have a one year old. Husband does the bare minimum. I don't want to LTB. And it's not because I'm financially dependent on him or anything like that. I do find that I can plod along doing things my own way which isn't necessarily a bad thing, and in other areas we work well together. I would like a second, but I'm wondering if with a husband that will do very little with the children, if this will be the end of me? I intend to go back to work full time at some point, and I'm just wondering how feasible this will all be. I imagine between work and children I'll have barely any time for myself. But then I think to myself there are single mothers who seem to manage fine and I believe some actually quite enjoy being in full control and calling all the shots? Or is this an extremely bad idea? And I don't believe my scenario to be rare as I read posts all the time from women who have husbands who don't do much when it comes to the children

Well it depends a bit on what your second baby is like. Some find number 2 slots right into their life, for others it's a huge upheaval and hard to manage.

It's good you've accepted your husband will likely be no more involved the second time round.

Personally I wouldn't, but then I wouldn't stay with a man who contributed nothing to fatherhood anyway.

My one did nothing for first 6 months (with 1st) then bare minimum after. It got better as the baby got more interactive, he could take him to park and "play". Still was me who did all with the 1st baby till I gave birth (we nearly missed getting to hospital bc he was asleep and I had to prepare things for the older one while in full labour).

Anyway. He is an excellent dad (I know this may not seem like he is but he really is). He reads with the older one, he plays with him a lot, he just is not hands-on with the chores. He is also a good husband and I am happy with him, even though he helps very little.The second one is easier baby, she slotted in and it works fine but he did have to step up (especially bedtime/feeding time).

Does your DH want 2nd baby? That is the crucial part I think. If he does, do it and make him work. If not, I would be careful because it can get stressful and that may be a problem.

It’s not quite the same but my DH works until late every night (often home about 9.30) so I do everything in the week for both DC (age 4 and 1) as well as in the house and he works one day a weekend then is exhausted on the other day so largely I do everything. The plan was for him to change his working hours when our youngest was born but with covid it hasn’t happened and I have to say that the first year of doing everything for both children has been incredibly hard; I’ve been lucky enough to have help from family otherwise I don’t know how I’d of coped. It’s a bit easier now we’re past the baby stage but it’s not how I’d choose to have things.
I do find though that when he is home he ends up doing more than when it was just DD as I’ll be busy with one of them and ask him to see to the other one and it’s pretty hard to avoid that

It's a bad idea.

I had two kids with a two year age gap. The only thing that made the early days with the two of them work was that my DH was able to pick up the slack. One of us had the toddler while the other had the baby.

Even with a DH that pulled his weight, I had bugger all time to myself and didn't go back to work full time until my youngest was 3. I basically spent five years being frazzled and exhausted.

You will reach saturation point with doing everything and having no time to yourself. Resentment will build towards your DH and your relationship will falter as a result. Your DC will be damaged by growing up and watching you both arguing constantly or giving each other the silent treatment. Your DC will also grow up thinking this is an acceptable relationship and the cycle will continue.

By all means, do it if you want to. But go in with your eyes open.

Risky..... are you ok with doing everything for two if you need to?

My DH did virtually NOTHING with our eldest when she was a baby, he was totally helpless and it drove me up the wall. I was exhausted (she was a terrible sleeper, didn’t realise until later that there was a medical reason) and I could hardly put her down day or night for more than 10s. I was desperate for a break! I really put my foot down when she was 10 months old and we got in the routine of him taking her out of the house for certain things (as if I was an option, she always wanted me). It was summer and his work had (finally!) calmed down a bit, so I insisted on 2 evening park trips a week and one trip to somewhere else for minimum 90 minutes on either Saturday or Sunday. I told him that if this seemed a lot, it was only a total of 3 hours of parenting a week, and if he couldn’t do that I would be divorcing him and he would be lucky to get contact....

He did step up pretty smartly, I think he was really very nervous and unsure so wasn’t willing to try until he had no choice. Over time he found it easier and easier.

I did decide (with a little bit of trepidation I’ll admit!) to have another child with him despite now knowing he’s so totally useless at the first year, and would need managing/reminding beyond that. I’d recommend a relatively large age gap - we have 4 years between ours. That means even a pretty useless man can manage bathtime and bedtime for the eldest while you manage the baby, and when he’s being totally useless at weekends I can manage well without him,

So things to consider:
Do you have decent support from family so that it won’t be totally relentless?
Do you have a network of local mummies to avoid insanity?
Would you consider a largish age gap so that you don’t have two tinies depending on you at the same time?

I ended up having 3 x dc with a completely uninterested dh. Very hard parting with dc eow to a man who barely knew them.
Oldest ds still has anger issues and therapy at 29...

My dh did nothing when our dd was a baby. She’s 4 next month and he’s slightly better because she’s easier of course and I expect because lockdown forced him to be at home more.
I don’t want to LTB but I don’t think I’ll ever get over the person who’s meant to love me the most sit back and see me struggle with everything. I would have loved 2 children but I decided against having another one when dd was 2 when my mum died, I definitely wouldn’t cope without her support although mother in law is great too.
As previous poster suggested.... I think the family support you have is really important here.

If you know you aren't going to LTB, you want two children and you are fine with doing everything, go ahead. You are right that single mums look after two (and more) so it's obviously possible. I don't like domestically useless men, but I also believe that everything can't be perfect in relationships, and we all make sacrifices to be in them. If you are happy enough, that's all that matters.

I believe your scenario is extremely common. Practically every post where the op is describing a useless partner, they also mention that they have 2-3 children or more.

Have you thought about the effect on your children of having an uninterested father?

@LoudNowSing

Have you thought about the effect on your children of having an uninterested father?

Well indeed.

And what if you get ill, disabled or die while they’re small and dependent.

You might not have known how lazy, disengaged, selfish and uncaring he was but you do now. To knowingly saddle another child with a crap dad is really irresponsible.

And you’d have to shag him to get pregnant. I couldn’t respect or fancy my husband if I knew he didn’t really care about me or our child.

Is he uninterested in all things house related too? Does he expect cleaning and cooking?
Only I imagine I could do everything child related if I had a cleaner and wasn’t expected to sort out my husbands clothes or food needs

If your DH is useless then with 2 you will be outnumbered.
I really wouldn’t do it

You're choosing a disinterested father for a child. Welcome to self esteem issues baby.

My dh wasn’t very hands on with the first dc or the second but I still wanted and had 2. It worked ok however I never gave up work at any time, which may have saved our relationship.
Yes, paying childcare fees for 2 was hard but achievable altho I was working for basically free, but it was only for 2 years.
All is good now though.

I second @crazychemist

Mine was so useless that I had the baby (in bouncer) in the bathroom with me while taking a shower as he chilled out downstairs. It honestly still makes my blood boil thinking about it. Anyway, I eventually got fed up and decided to start forcing him to take responsibility for ds (now 2.5) by stepping out of the picture at inconvenient times, he’s better now. He takes more of a natural interest in ds now that he’s older too. It’s still not how I’d like it to be though- I’m the “main parent”. Nevertheless, we’re having a big age gap between ds and the next one for a few reasons (probably 6 years), but thanks to dp’s uselessness it would have been at least a 3.5 year gap anyway.

Plenty of women go it alone so there's no reason you couldn't be a parent to two children with a husband who doesn't want to do anything for them. (I'm assuming he loves your child)
Just don't complain that a man you know does fuck all with one, continues to do fuck all with two.

You just assume it's all going to go well. What if you become ill, or the baby? It's way too small an age gap with a useless husband.

I think the lifelong effect on your children of having a father who has no interest in them would be so damaging that I would not choose to subject another child to that.

Put yourself in that child’s shoes and think about if you would willingly choose that man as your father

Plenty of people do it, as Mumsnet threads show, but the idea of deliberately creating a situation where 2 children look at me run myself into the ground whilst the man of the house occupies himself being a lazy man sounds hellish to me.

Like a PP said though, if you do it then don't be surprised or complain that a man who has proven he is lazy and disinterested with one child has been exactly the same with two. He is showing you who he is.

I think to myself there are single mothers who seem to manage fine and I believe some actually quite enjoy being in full control and calling all the shots?

This is a valid point. The additional advantage those mums have though is not being burdened with an adult also making more work for them. I've seen posters on here say it was easier without the useless partner as they were doing what they'd have been doing anyway, but were able to just do it for the kids and ditch the 'looking after' that the man needed, meaning less work overall. The worst case scenario is where you effectively end up with three dependants to look after. Does he do things for himself and pitch in with adult housework and his own life maintenance?

What does he do instead? If he shoulders other “work” then I don’t see an issue.

Will the kids be in therapy from toddlerhood? Having a shit parent really fucks you up. You’d be knowingly inflicting that on another kid.

A friend had two children with her husband, in the secure knowledge that she would be doing it all herself. She made that choice.
He was a loving dad, but did nothing practical towards their day to day upbringing or much at all towards the running of the house.
The girls are now at uni, she has a very responsible high paid job and they are still happily married.
I suppose if you know what you are getting into and it is a choice you make with your eyes open, it clearly can work.

Are those posters suggesting that any children OP has (including the one she already has) are doomed to low self esteem and serious issues?!?

Her DH is hands of with the baby. I’m really not saying that’s great, but I think it’s a HUGE leap to assume that any children will be damaged by that. I’m pretty certain that virtually all dads used to be hands off during the first year. Certainly my father would be at work until 6.30pm every week day and would spend the weekends in the garden or playing cricket. I have never felt that he didn’t love me! He was a great father to an older child. Similarly, my DH was totally shit at the baby stage, I’ve already posted saying that. But right now, he’s reading to our 4 year old in the bath. They went on a long cycle ride this afternoon and then chilled in the paddling pool together to cool off. Tomorrow morning he’s going to take her to the playground while I’m out. I hated how useless he was with her as a baby (and it’s really hard that he’s STILL useless with our baby twins!) but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her.

Go into this aware. You know he is no good with tiny babies, you don’t know if he's going to be better with older children an di imagine it’s going to take some pushing and insistence on your part. But I think some of the responses on this thread are OTT - as you point out, there are lots of women raising children with useless husbands, their children don’t all end up with serious issues as a result.