I don't know where to begin. DS8 was diagnosed with autism recently. Adhd also suspected. He is also struggling with anxiety, mood swings and frequently talks about wanting to die.
I am a single parent. His dad is still on the scene and has ds once a week but otherwise he is with me. I have no family support. DS hasn't managed school since before lockdown and I am in the long process of trying to get him an ehcp for a school better suited to his needs.
So, DS is with me all day and all night, 6 days a week. He won't let me leave him with anyone. And he needs constant help to manage his sadness/anger/anxiety. I never know how he will be from one minute to the next. He needs constant reassurance too, cuddles, which sounds lovely but its suffocating me.
On top of this I have a chronic illness and I am in pain and exhausted. My one day off a week is spent sleeping and trying to recover before it all starts again.
I can't keep this up. Every day is groundhog day. I am lonely. My mood is increasingly low. I am doing my utmost to help ds, but its not enough. He is not getting an education at all, he is so sad and finding life so hard. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel right now.
I have tried engaging services for help, but am finding getting help to be a full time bloody job. And still I have no help!
Today I found myself wishing I hadnt had him. I can't believe I am even writing that. Not something I can admit to anyone in real life and not something I am proud of. I love my son, dearly and totally. But I have nothing left to give. I don't want this life.