To find parenting more difficult than DH does?

[KateEC91]

Before I start, I’m not trying to gender stereotype here and say that women should find parenting easier than men etc, I’m just upset, stressed and interested to hear other parents experiences.
To give background- I have a 15 month old and work from home 4 days (my son is home with me but looked after by grandparents). I have my son on my day off.
My husband has an incredibly stressful job in the city- he leaves at 6am and gets home at 7:30pm meaning I do all mornings and all evenings (except bed time, which thankfully my husband does).
Despite working, I am still very much hands on with my son. I make his food, change his nappies, play with him as and when I can throughout the day etc.
Last week, on my day off, I was at my wits end. I find everyday difficult. From the nappy changes, dressing, washing, refusing food i’ve made (but worshipping the ground Ella walks on), screaming when he hasn’t got my undivided attention and just general groundhog day nature of my days. When my husband gets home and asks how the day has been I frequently say... shit.
This weekend, I was so grateful to have had a huge amount of time out with friends. My husband was fully in charge of everything all weekend and... LOVED IT.
He said he found it so exciting, fun and just adored every aspect, despite a few tantrums.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m genuinely pleased that this was the case. I don’t want my husband to struggle like I do but I’d be lying if I said a small part of me wasn’t slightly irritated by this. In an ideal world, he would’ve had a great weekend but maybe ended it by saying something along the lines of... ‘I don’t know how you do it! I have so much more respect for what you do!’. Not at all- I think actually the difficulty of my days has been completely invalidated by his experience.
Am I the only one to feel like this? I know I sound so pathetically immature but it just feels so bloody typical :(

How much washing, ironing, food preparation and general life admin did he do while he was looking after the dc.

It’s easy to be awesome when you only have one job.

He's done one weekend! It's not the relentless hamster wheel you are on.
It's great he's enjoyed time with your child but he's not experiencing your normal day. He's not tried to work or do everything you do, he's just been with the child. Totally different. If you just had your child with no work and house stuff you'd love it too!
Stop beating yourself up.

It could be that he loves all the drudgery that goes along with raising children or it could be, and I’d place my money on it being a novelty for him. I wouldn’t think about it too much. for what it’s worth; I found 1-2yr old the hardest, so much whining; no - little communication etc

Oh I feel your pain. It's always the sodding way. But you've basically given yourself the answer-
you work four days a week and are doing by far the lions share of the drudgery of childcare (even when you're at work). Him being out 13 hours a day all week is the reason he enjoys the weekend with your child- because it's a short period of time, that he knows will shortly come to an end! When you're doing it day in day out (and especially the tedious nappy changing food making tantrum bits) it's a totally different experience.
Have you spoken to him about it? Might there be a way that you can more permanently redress the balance on the childcare front? Even just having your child in nursery a couple of days, or on your day off, so you're not always picking up the childcare?
It's really hard, I hear you. It makes you feel so much worse when someone says how much they're loving it etc, especially when you've been slogging away for not much reward.
But honestly, it's so much easier to love parenting when it's for a short, defined period of time, and then you can slope off back to adult company!

You would feel differently if you were away from your child when working (eg if you were out of the house/DC was in childcare.
You aren’t getting any time away so it’s relentless. If you were just at work it’d be much better.

What your husband did was a novelty. Throw him under the bus for a week straight, when he has to do everything, and he'll be singing a different tune.

Do you have a clear separation of work and child time on your working days? From my experience of working from home with 3 toddlers over the years, both they, you, and their carers are generally a lot easier going when there are clear guidelines about when mummy is around. Otherwise they're much more likely to whine, not knowing if you might be popping back or wondering why you wouldn't come for morning snack when you did the last 2 days etc. It might also help your days feel less groundhog if you could have a schedule, ideally including some time for you (so maybe 3 of 4 days you eat lunch together, one you go for a walk with another WFH friend etc).

As for the rest, it does depend as others say if he really did everything or if it was 'just' the childcare section. Or it may be that actually he enjoys this stage a lot, that's a lovely thing too, if it means that maybe he has a regular dad and son Sunday morning while you can have time for something else that makes you happy, or even just for a sleep in, and undisturbed breakfast and setting the house straight in peace and quiet.

Finally - if you are finding your days shit, and he is loving childcare, maybe your setup is the wrong one. Even in stressful city jobs, there are people, usually women, who go to 4 days a week for a while, or at least wfh a few times a week to see their family. Or maybe you want a job where you leave home sometimes. Or maybe grandparent care every day isn't best right now and actually 2 days a week grandparents, 2 days a week nursery where you have the house to yourself would be much better - and if your DH is working those hours and you couldn't afford nursery then I'd also really consider career options

You don't have to be stuck, you can change things.

I used to think that DH was so much more patient with toddler DD than I was and feel envious then during the first lockdown when he was furloughed and I was on maternity leave (for second DC) I realised that he is similar to me (maybe even less patient) and that in fact it’s so much easier to be patient and enjoy it when you’re not doing it say in day out with the knowledge that it’ll be like this the next day and the next

You need to separate work and childcare
Let grandparents have him at their house
Or go out to a rented office space or elsewhere

@Hsjdb7483939

I used to think that DH was so much more patient with toddler DD than I was and feel envious then during the first lockdown when he was furloughed and I was on maternity leave (for second DC) I realised that he is similar to me (maybe even less patient) and that in fact it’s so much easier to be patient and enjoy it when you’re not doing it say in day out with the knowledge that it’ll be like this the next day and the next

Yes, we have had the same realisation in our family recently. My DH is a v calm and patient person generally and has always been calmer and more patient with our toddler than me, overall. However recently I got HG and for a couple of months he suddenly had to do basically everything and I suppose he was stressed about me as well so that made it worse, but we've found him to be less patient and calm than me overall. Which has been a shock for both of us and an odd turn of events but I agree that's probably because it's easy to be calm and patient when you don't have to face it as often and much harder when it becomes relentless.

Working from home with your little one in the house is hard bloody work OP. You are half in parent mode, half in work mode. As others have said, you are not getting a break at all.

I've done it a few times when DD has been ill and her dad has taken the day off to look after her. I work from home and I could hear her fussing or crying from the office and she got excited whenever I popped into the kitchen for a cup of tea. It was so draining trying to be two things at once, and that was only for a day!

Your other half is physically away for the best part of every day. Of course he's more patient, it's a novelty for him.

I feel you and you have my deepest sympathy. We have 2 under 2. I am on leave now (but was working until after delivery, almost even throughout and nearly did not make it to the hospital due to having to prepare things for the older baby for the nanny whilst I give birth).

The one thing I realised and you may be the same, is the mental load the "main" parent has. It's not the "do things" but the "plan things" that is hard as well. What to buy, in order to be able to cook, in order to be able to feed, in order to be able to clean and wash and get out of the house, what to have in your bag, in the pram, in the car, what not to forget, when is the next appointment...etc. You get the jist. The insane amount of information that is stored in your brain in order to just function with a baby is crazy and in addition to this, there is then the actual execution (feed, change, play, sooth, clean wash, put to bed, repeat). No wonder the main parent is always on the brink of mental breakdown.

My advice is (and I am also in the "resentful" camp when the other parent has a blast with the kids) just do it more. Two parents are needed. The fact that his work is stressful and lengthy is irrelevant. You can be accommodating, but don't overdo it and absolutely plan and take time for yourself. Use any childcare you can (I find nursery super helpful). Get alone time, and seek alone time in order to be a better parent. I do, and I am way more patient and forgiving and fun.

I’m a sahm, but it seriously pisses me off when DH looks after the kids and says how easy it was when I return. They behave beautifully for him, but turn into little monsters for me frequently and we’ve no idea why.

I just wish sometimes that they’d give him the full mama treatment so he can see clearly what I’m up against and that I’m not making it up!

One day full on parenting wont give him a realistic view anyway. That's not insulting him by the way but day in day out tantrums, defiance, nap time, lunches, meal prep house tidy, bed time, bath is different to a day out to the park, stopping off for some food and having a walk through the forest.

I watched my friends puppy overnight, it was fun and it was so cute. I've had dogs before I know it's more pee poo biting socialising etc. You will have complete different struggles, dont base capability on the fact that he seemed to have enjoyed one day.

He did it as a one off! Of course he blo9dy enjoyed it!
Why don't you arrange to meet up with friends as you did before as a regular thing, once or twice a month?
What you are describing is normal OP. What are your long term plans re childcare?

As above OP, especially since he loves it so much, arrange for him to do this more regularly for your own sanity I.e once/twice a month. You're on a relentless hamster wheel so need your own downtime too.

It could be a multitude of things-

• did he do everything else? Make all the meals? Do the housework? Or was he solely focussed on your son?
• it was just a single day. Doing the same day in and day out may be less fun.
• he may just be a more patient/fun parent (no offence to you). My DH is certainly both more patient and more fun as a parent. He loves playing with small children. I don’t. He also does his fair share of housework without having to be told what to do (which makes him a rarity on MN). What we discovered in the pandemic though is that he is totally shit at homeschooling. And I am not terrible at all. He can patiently play make believe games endlessly (I would rather claw my own eyes out) but ten minutes of homeschooling later I can see his blood pressure rising!!

Ah I didn’t realise you were dipping in and out of your son’s day while working. That’s why he acts up I would guess. Because he isn’t sure when you will come, when he’s with the grandparents etc, I suspect he makes life much more difficult for you. If he was in a more formal childcare setting I suspect they would say he’s good as gold (or if you left the grandparents to it and didn’t come down).

Also 13 month olds are a pain in the behind (I say affectionately). They are mobile, they have some skills and the odd word or two. They have a lot of opinions but are mainly non verbal and a danger to themselves and others. And easily bored. It’s a nightmare combination.

I think still doing all the life admin while you’re supposed to be at work is the issue here.

I work 3 days and on my two days off with DS who is 2 and prone to tantrums and generally disagreeing with everything, I do enjoy it and find it fairly straightforward.
But on my 3 work days I’m not doing anything for him because he’s at nursery. Can grandparents not do all of that for him? I find it impossible to work with Ds still in the house.

I also spend most of my time outside with Ds which feels much easier than being indoors.

A few on here seem to be annoyed the husband didn’t hate spending time with his kids, which is a bit weird. It’s not like he said “wow this is so easy, don’t know what you’re complaining about!”

My husband also works long hours at the moment. He loves and cherishes every minute he spends with DS because he misses him so much when he's at work. When they do get together, they play rather than have to do the millions of chores to keep the house running.

I have never had a chance to miss him. I had the GPs look after him in our home during lockdown and find it 10 billion times better now he's at nursery, so I would suggest that childcare (or work) is done away from your home if you can swing it.

With regards to food, 15 months is prime territory for picky eating to start - our previous good eater would also refuse anything not made by Ella at that age.