Feel like all I do is tell dd to behave.

[Lottiebugz22]

I have a 2 and half year old. I feel like all I ever do is tell her off lately. She just doesn't listen to me at all.
I'm starting to feel like a horrible mummy. I don't shout but I firmly tell her off. I find it all quite negative. Is anyone else feeling the same?

What are you telling her to off for?

How often do you praise her/react positively to her?

Context?

What is she doing? What are you doing when she is doing it?

Kids just want attention, all the time... she has learned which behaviours gain your attention, she's a clever girl. Give her more of your time, it can change.

Instead of telling her what "not" to do, why don't you tell her "here, do it like this".

An example - mine had a hammer and was bashing things, so I did not say "don't" but I said "here, let's bang on this pillow".

DO it with everything. Every single thing she is doing and you feel like "no" think - how can I say this in a positive way. Will make you feel better too :)

At 2.5 she is probably too little to respond to being told off, which doesn't mean that you should never do it, but it won't be effective in changing her behaviour which is probably why you're getting frustrated. It may well work to show her you're unhappy with the behaviour in the moment, but the part that is not yet developed is her ability to anticipate that if she does whatever it is again she will get told off again, AND for that to actually help her control her impulses and make a different decision. Those are more complicated skills which she will develop more later.

So you need to do other things alongside which will actually be effective to change patterns. Ideally before the behaviour, rather than in response to it.

Does she go to nursery at all/is she due to start soonish?

How much opportunity is she getting to run off excess energy and be physical as well? That's important at this age (a bit like dogs!) they will tend to get all that energy out in destructiveness and naughtiness otherwise. It's also a way to get attention from you, even if it's negative attention.

What kind of things are you telling her off about? Perhaps we can suggest other ways to manage these behaviours which might be more effective for her age.

what behaviour do you say no to?

saying "behave" means nothing to a child that age. you need to be clear about what she isn't allowed to do.

Let me give you an example of just how little kids know about what's allowed v. not allowed.

DS1 was 4 when I found him drawing on the dining room wall paper with a crayon. I told him not to do that, but he can draw on paper in there which I gave him.
within half another I saw him drawing on the wall in the hall.
I asked him why he'd do that, I've just told him he can't be drawing on the wall.
he replied: "yes, but you said I can't draw in the dining room!"

bloody hell, the insight of that!!
so he understood the limit I set (ie about dining room) but I said nothing about any other rooms so in his mind they were fair game.

so I explained that ok, I wasn't clear, from now on let's just not draw on any walls at all, ever. he said sorry, he didn't know, we hugged, kissed and it was all fine again.

but it didn't end there as I found him a little bit later halfway up the stairs sobbing his eyes out. between tears he told me he was upset because he tried to be good but "mummy, it's so hard for a little child to know what's right and what's wrong!"

awww, poor boy! I felt so sorry for him, after all how would they know without crystal clear guidance??

so OP try & see it through her eyes, why she's doing what she's doing and what you could do to direct her away from undesirable behaviour by distraction, alternative activities, offering choices etc.

yes, she might just want attention. but chances are she just doesn't know why she has to "behave" or what you mean!

@ZooKeeper19

Instead of telling her what "not" to do, why don't you tell her "here, do it like this".

An example - mine had a hammer and was bashing things, so I did not say "don't" but I said "here, let's bang on this pillow".

DO it with everything. Every single thing she is doing and you feel like "no" think - how can I say this in a positive way. Will make you feel better too :)

^this

Also if you can anticipate a problem and get in first with “this is what I want you to do” it makes a huge difference.

Eg if we are getting out of the car and going to the shop I would be saying that you’re going to hold my hand, and walk nicely beside me, all the way to the shop.

And instead of telling off, I would show them how to do it right. This is super effective because they end up having to do it your way anyway, plus the attention for doing the wrong thing turns into attention for doing the right thing. Kids will take the shortest route to get a reaction from you, so they’re likely to skip the naughty bit and do it right next time to see if you notice.

It’s easier to type than to do it, especially if you’ve been parented yourself with a lot of negativity.