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Parenting

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Original poster

DD12’s Refusal To Do Anything

15 replies

CurryLover55 · 29/05/2021 19:59

It’s a long story but DD is adopted & has attachment disorder, anxiety, sensory issues & is likely to be on the spectrum (we’re trying to organise tests). She could also have ADHD. It can be very challenging. She will often refuse to go out for the day ( I find that frustrating, particularly when I have time off work & want to make the most of it) & now she is saying she won’t ever go on holiday. Even when I suggested staying with extended family, who she loves & they love her, she’s refusing to do that.I feel so restricted. It’s not like we go away very often & we haven’t had a foreign holiday for 3 years but I hate the thought of being stuck at home all the time. We live in a beautiful part of the country & there are so many lovely things to do. She’s not like that all the time as the other day she was asking to go to a theme park with her best friend but it’s always on her terms. Lately she’s been reluctant to spend time with her Grandparents, who are brilliant, so she would probably kick off at having to stay with them if DH & I just grabbed a couple of days away together. Obviously we could stand firm & insist she comes to wherever it is but it could be ruined by her moaning & complaining. The foreign holiday was very very hard work & DH was ready to fly home halfway through the week! I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

OP posts:

UberMullet · 29/05/2021 20:05

My daughter was like this at 12 with out any of the other stuff. We went on holiday and she got to choose activities and if she moaned out with of that we just paid no attention and carried on.

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 29/05/2021 20:41

P.S The lockdowns definitely haven’t helped

OP posts:

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 29/05/2021 22:42

Anyone else?

OP posts:

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12 year olds Families General parenting

Profilejacket · 29/05/2021 22:51

Mine is also 12 and the same without the other stuff (well-she’s probably not the most neurotypical being but no diagnosis). She’s been similar from pretty young-5/6ish.

Sympathies as it makes everything that should be fun into something to be dreaded.

As she’s getting older and it’s possible to leave her alone for short periods we don’t give it as much attention (obv not possible for holidays etc) and that tends to improve matters a bit.

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/05/2021 22:54

We always rotated choice of holiday between parents and each DC. So DH and I would choose a destination, then each DC had a turn. Have you thought about giving her the choice of where to go on holiday and activities/places to visit there?

Embracelife · 29/05/2021 22:56

Is she getting help for her anxiety etc?
Maybe you could work with CAMHS as a family
Set small steps

SavannahLands · 29/05/2021 23:00

I have had 5 DDs all go through a similar stage, it’s the beginnings of the teenage Hormone Rebellion, and it normally lasts in various forms until they get to about 18! They try to push the boundaries, challenge everything you say and do, unless they have suggested it themselves first, and can be verbally nasty and hard to live with. My Eldest DD now looks back and cringes at what she was like at that age, and is now going through similar stages with her three DDs!

You need to have a rule of being Firm but Fair, if you weaken and give into her too much, she will only go to challenge you further. Sometimes you just have to walk away from the situation and keep calm and carry on, and that means that you are in charge of the family household and activities and not your Child.

Sls668 · 30/05/2021 03:09

Have you heard of PDA? It’s a specific type of Autism. Perhaps look it up and if r tree he symptoms sound right for your daughter then you could use specific PDA strategies to help

Mintjulia · 30/05/2021 03:54

My ds 12 is very like this. He would far rather stay at home. I refuse to let that go, and during lockdown, insisted we went out once a day.
He's always been odd about holidays, his immediate answer is always no, but I tell him in advance what will be happening, and when, and don't take no for an answer. Some trips are more successful than others, I try to include things I know he will enjoy and to teach him that spending time with someone else means sometimes doing things that are your second choice is the polite sociable thing to do.

I'm hoping it's just a phase and he'll grow out of it but it can be a bit of a slog sometimes.

BigHeadBertha · 30/05/2021 03:59

Under more typical circumstances, I would suggest not allowing a child to run things and to put a system of rewards and consequences in place to moderate her behavior.

However, I have no idea how that would work considering her issues. I'd seek professional help for her and have them advise you on the best way to proceed.

starrynight21 · 30/05/2021 04:15

If you are going out for the day, is there a reason why she must go with you ? My Dcs are older now, but at 12 if they didn't want to go on a family outing for the day, they'd have the option of staying home.

Topseyt · 30/05/2021 08:51

@UberMullet

My daughter was like this at 12 with out any of the other stuff. We went on holiday and she got to choose activities and if she moaned out with of that we just paid no attention and carried on.

Same here.

Cacacoisfarraige · 30/05/2021 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liger · 30/05/2021 09:45

Sending you sympathy and understanding, I know how claustrophobic this can feel.
I have four kids with various different neurodivergency including ASD, ADHD, PDA and dyslexia. They are ages 8-16. They have all struggled over lockdown and I am now working really hard to help them re-engage with the world in the way they used to.
I would look for the root of her wish to stay home. It may be the need to be in control. It may be anxiety about something specific, or something she can't articulate yet. Work to help her and you both understand her comfort zone and build trust that you will respect it. Try suggesting new things on good days, and give her the option of pulling back if she needs to.

I strongly recommend looking into PDA as a previous poster suggested - if you are not already familiar with it. If it feels like it might fit her, then rewards and consequences will not work and will instead do harm. My PDAer used to be highly anxious which made going anywhere hugely difficult and our life became very small. Over the years as our understanding grew, his anxiety is now much reduced overall and he is able to be much more flexible. But on days he can't we respect that - it's just as frustrating for him as anyone else and he can't help it. Trust and connection is everything, build on that as best you can.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 30/05/2021 10:45

You have my complete sympathy. I also have an adopted DD12 who is really struggling with anxiety and is showing the early stages of an eating disorder plus other issues including a recently diagnoses chronic illness.

She will only go out with friends and has no interest in coming anywhere with us most of the time so she stays at home with DS15 if we go out for a few hours.

This week being half term we have booked some outings and an overnight stay somewhere but luckily it's somewhere she has an interest in visiting due to some You Tuber that she follows living there.

We have to holiday with our friends who have DC the same age now or the DC aren't interested.

I think some of this is normal for a 12 year old trying to gain some independence and control.

We have just started taking her to a counsellor for CBT for her other issues but we've had to pay for that as the demand for the school counsellor is too high and she wouldn't cope with the process of accessing help through our GP at the moment ( video calls not great for her)

Post adoption support could be a help to you ( we are keeping that as a plan B at the moment but they have been very helpful with my adopted DS in the past)

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