4 year old daughter so angry

[Clare876]

Hello... My daughter has recently in the last 6 months or so become very angry. She does things to get a reaction. Throwing toys,punching me,screaming at the top of her voice,running off outside or in the shops. She does things she knows to be naughty and then tells me, drawing on walls etc. She was recently very mean to a friend.

She attends pre school and they haven't told me about bad behaviour at school and I don't think there is any.

I'm thinking this is her being bored,needing more stimulation. But am I wrong? She's due to start full time schooling in September. Shes a very bright little girl and we do loads together,socialising,zoos,beach,walks etc. She has siblings so always has company. She can't be too bored.

I feel like no matter what I do she reverts back to being naughty.

Any suggestions?

Do you have consequences in place for when she does these things?

Sounds like she is doing it for attention. Does she get any positive attention from you?

hmm. DD used to climb onto high up things while I was breastfeeding dc2 and shout "I'm being naughty!" - very transparently a cry for attention. Equally she used to admit she'd cry at preschool if she "needed" me, and shout "I need you mummy" if we srove on the motorway, and she wet the bed as long as I went out of my way to chat and reassure during the night, and as soon as I went grey rock and changed the bed without any comments she stopped... That all happened between 24 and 30 months. All easy again by 30 months...

Its understandable attention seeking behaviour. Neither reward nor punish. Remain neutral, and very loving and attentive at other times.

Yes i thought thats shes doing it for attention. I try to ignore giving it any attention and just explain that she will or has lost toys or treats etc. When she drew on the walls earlier I explained that she will lose visiting her friend tomorrow. Have you any suggestions? Her siblings were never like this and far more reasonable. I try to give good behaviour positive attention and ignore giving the bad behaviour any attention,but I'm obviously failing with something.

She completely doesn't need to be at school. This is such a culturally specific narcissistic response. Parents and extended family are enough for even a genius under 6 years old if they're paying attention...

Thank you, your dd sounds like she was very similar. I just worry as she's turned 4 recently and this behaviour seems to immature for someone of her age. I also have a baby and I wonder if this has contributed to her behaviour. Maybe I've left her get away with more unknowingly. I've always tried to pick my battles but maybe I didn't fight enough of them

Is this response to me or have I missed something?

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

She completely doesn't need to be at school. This is such a culturally specific narcissistic response. Parents and extended family are enough for even a genius under 6 years old if they're paying attention...

Eh?

Erm..... what?☝️☝️☝️

I think you need to pick more battles OP but I wouldn't go for random punishments. If she runs off in the shop needs to wear a wrist strap lead like a toddler. Drawing on the walls means she can't have any art supplies for a week. Any violence I'd squash hard and she'd be made to sit on the thinking step for as long as it took for her to sort herself out and apologise. If she's screaming tell her she can do that in her room but everyone else doesn't need to be subject to it.

When she drew on the walls earlier I explained that she will lose visiting her friend tomorrow This is not approiate for her age as at four she is not going to connect a punishment tomorrow with what she did today. Plus you just make tomorrow miserable for yourself as you are stuck at home and she will be cross and draw on the walls again!

The secret with this age is to spot it before it happens and get them doing something else. Plus give them loads of things they CAN do.

Ask yourself honestly - is she bored? At this age I was a bit like a playworker some days but it was easier than the alternative of dealing with grumpy bored kids.

Sounds like a child crying out for clear boundaries and the security of knowing the adults are in charge.
Personally, I don’t think ignoring behaviour until it escalates to a point you have to intervene is ideal. I’m not convinced on delayed sanction - or indeed sanctions much at all above verbal reprimand, making things right and distraction.
Long explanation and negotiations are lost on most pre school children.

Punching you, for example. I’d do a firm grip of wrist, get eye contact and say No, that hurts Mummy. Very firmly. Then once she’s apologised, I’d invite her to help you with the laundry or cooking supper etc.
Don’t give her a chance to run off outside. Hold her hand. Chatter away about the colours of front doors, the number plate letters or the pretty blossom. Ask her questions to stop her thinking about misbehaving.

Mostly, reward the good. Encourage good rather than punishing less good. Let her help in the supermarket by choosing the apples or the colour of the lavatory paper.

Gypzaposer
Thank you. All good ideas. I think at the moment I am so confused and its a constant battle that I'm not thinking straight. Thanks for replying

Picturesandpickles
Yes your right,she needs instant punishment. I feel like she has loads to do but maybe could be more organised with activities for her to do in the house. I will think more playworker less cup of tea and biscuit 🤣.

And sorry I'm not totally sure how to work the replying to specific posts

Can I ask if she is bored? My 4 year old would have had no time to think of doing any of this last year as he would be hounding around with other 3-4s in nursery doing all sorts of messy play in their mud kitchen and water and sand area etc. And learning various rules of play and behaviour. Does she go to any setting where playing with other kids in a respectful way is encouraged?

Lemon roses
Yes thank you so much..I feel like I used to do these things and I've somehow forgotten amongst the madness. Thanks for replying.

Personally, I don’t think ignoring behaviour until it escalates to a point you have to intervene is ideal.

Ignoring bad behaviour is a terrible idea.

NavigationalCentral

She goes to pre school 3 days a week. She has regular visits to parks and friends houses or the zoo. I honestly think she does so much for a 4 year old and had lots of opportunitys for supervised play and learning.

Some things I did that were winners at that age were:

Massive sheet of paper on the floor for drawing on
Big box of recycling for building towers etc
Make a tent from sheets and have a teddy camp
Collecting as many e.g. red things as possible (or any other category)
Sensory stuff - so a big bowl of custard/tray of dried lentils/bowl of cooked spaghetti kept them entertained for hours
Treasure hunt - stick pictures of things on a sheet and send them to find them

The aim is to have activities that involve you sitting and having tea and biscuit whilst they move about

Picturesandpickles
Thank you. All sound great.

Okay well thank you for the helpful comments..I am not fishing to be told that my daughter is intelligent. She is intelligent but not genius, just a stereotypical 4 year old. And I don't believe she is modelling and certainly not mistreated.

Thanks to everyone
who comment useful ideas.