Need help with toddler tantrum strategies please!

[quitecrunchy]

DS is not long turned 2 and has been having more and more proper meltdown screaming tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. He turns into a mini hulk and throws stuff, pulls over furniture etc, it's not safe for him or his sister (or the rest of us when we get stuff lobbed at us!). His older sister has a lovely relationship with him mostly but at the moment she's often scared that he will hurt her. I remove him to a different room when he gets aggressive to protect her but it doesn't deal with the actual tantrum.

I'm a bit at sea tbh. Distraction was my main strategy with DD at this age but it seldom works with him. He's still young for time out, we've tried it but it's just two minutes of struggling to keep him in one place and I don't think he really gets it yet anyway. Holding him tightly until he calms down doesn't seem to work and he's pretty big and strong so I have trouble holding him without him being able to wriggle away or hit me. I can't leave him to run out of steam because he's a danger to himself and others. Today I strapped him in the pushchair because I cannot accept him tearing the house apart and hitting me but either it didn't work or I didn't leave him there for long enough because he started up again straight away. We do the whole naming his feelings thing and trying to understand what he's trying to express with his behaviour but I need strategies to diffuse these situations where he's so raging he can't listen.

Anybody got any tips as how to deal with these sorts of tantrums? I know avoiding them altogether is the best way and sometimes I can head it off with food or bringing nap forward etc but a lot of these have been about us having a battle of wills over him not getting his dummy during the day.

There are specific things that trigger his tantrums (tiredness, hunger, etc). I could quite often see my toddlers behaviour starting to deteriorate before the meltdown happened so I'd do my best to intervene early enough - at the first sign of a wobble- and just go and sit in a different room having a 'time in' (as opposed to a time out). So I'd just sit the dc on my lap, have lots of cuddles (and often a snack as hunger was a big trigger for ds), talk about their feelings and lots of reassuring I loved him.

For things like wanting his dummy during the day talk to him and involve him in the decision to take it away when he's calm and relaxed. Just have a lovely chat about it, lots of praise and love, and get him on board with the idea. Explain that he has beautiful teeth and a dummy can damage them, or that it can stop him from being able to talk well whilst it's in his mouth, etc. That way it will become something you're doing together rather than you forcing your will on him. Remember to give lots of praise when he's gone a whole day/morning/week without it.

Remember that his dummy is probably very srongly associated with feelings of comfort for him. He's used it for years to self soothe, etc and he's having trouble getting used to his coping mechanism being denied. So this then leads to the meltdown. As soon as he asks for his dummy he's maybe actually implying that his emotions are already a bit off kilter and he needs to be soothed. So you need to find alternative ways to provide that comfort.

I believe that toddlers can only really cope with feeling one emotion at a time, especially stong emotions. So if they're happy they can be really happy, if they're sad or angry then that dominates their whole being - meaning you can't rationalise them out of their tantrum with words.

Maybe it’s time for the dummy to go completely if it’s causing problems for him.

Thanks both for your responses.

@Cupidity I think you're right about heading them off at the early signs. He seems to flip so quickly it's difficult to catch it before it escalates and it's when it does I don't know the best way to firefight that in the moment. I thought I knew how to deal with toddlers as it's not my first rodeo but he's really giving me a run for my money!
Great suggestion to deal with the dummy issue by involving him - it's definitely been more of an effort to deal with it by stealth so far so taking a different tack could help.

@Fitforforty you're not wrong. I'm sick of the bloody thing but until we can get him sleeping a bit better I just can't face ditching it altogether. Getting him to sleep is a work in progress so gonna stick with the dummy for now but I know when he's a bit more ready to lose it that'll probably help the nights in the long run too.