I don’t feel the surge of love for my baby

[das29fs]

I have a beautiful 8 month old baby girl but I don’t feel the overwhelming surge of love towards her that everyone talks about.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have the easiest start to motherhood. The pregnancy was unplanned, I only recently moved to a new country so have no family support, and I suffered from post-natal psychosis when she was 2 weeks old, which led to me spending a month in hospital while her father looked after her. I had really bad depression after getting out of hospital but have been feeling better for the last couple of months, currently following a treatment plan including taking anti depressants and regularly seeing a psychologist.

A few people I know have had babies very recently and all I’m seeing them post is how much they are in love with their babies and seem to generally be enjoying motherhood. I feel so upset because I just don’t feel that way. I do love her but I don’t have an overwhelming sense of love towards her. I also miss the freedom I used to have as now I don’t feel like I can really do anything anymore. I discussed this with my psychologist and she said that some people just aren’t meant to be mums. This has actually made me feel worse because I feel guilty now that I’m not able to love my daughter the way she deserves.

I’m really just hoping someone reads this has had a similar experience so that I don’t feel like such a failure.

Hello, me! Not only did I not feel a surge of love, I genuinely resented her for at least the first 6 months of her life. I also had PND and PNS.

At around 6 months I started tolerating her. Then by about 11 months I was enjoying her. And now - she's 3 - she's the absolute love of my life and the person I most enjoy spending time with in the whole world. Being her mum is the reason I'm still here (literally - DH died suddenly last year and if it wasn't for DD I wouldn't be here).

You will get there, I promise. It's totally, totally okay. You are getting to know her and falling in love with her.

Also, you need a new psychologist. What a weird thing to say!

I had this too, with DS1. I also had PND, and also couldn’t breastfeed, and also went back to work early so my then DH did most of the early childcare.

It was completely different with DS2 and I think that’s because we had to stay in hospital together after the birth for a week, and I could breastfeed him, so we bonded.

I didn’t really address the issues with DS1 and consequently I never felt we’ve had a proper close relationship. I love him to bits now, but wish I’d made more effort to work on our bonding. If it happened now I’d just spend LOADS of time with him, loads and loads, and let the feelings grow.

Your psychologist sounds shite!

I didn't get that overwhelming surge of love and bonding either.

Rough pregnancy and birth, colicky baby and severe PND (I was on the verge of being hospitalised, fortunately the drugs kicked in fast).

She was born in September and I have a very precious photo from the following February, which is the first one I remember ever looking at and thinking 'wow, she's mine 😍'

16 and a bit years later we have an amazing relationship and are best mates as well as mum and daughter.

For some people, like with meeting anyone else, the feelings grow over time rather than happening instantly.