Nursery call about bruises

[obviouslyanxious]

Please can someone give me some advice? I'm in tears here (NC).

My youngest son is 18 months old, he's very adventurous and wants to do everything his older brother can. He's currently going through a phase where he's really accident prone and he keeps hurting himself, falling into things/off things, hitting himself with toys by accident etc. Sometimes he also gets into fights with his brother (3). He's often the one starting it, e.g. by walking over to his brother while he's quietly playing and hitting him with something, but his brother did bite him back last week and has hit him back before.

I've been called to a serious-sounding meeting at the nursery to discuss DS' bruising. I'm an overly-anxious parent anyway but I'm so scared I'll be accused of abuse and he'll be taken away. I don't know what to do? I'm a bit emotional as I've just started my period and I'm worried I'll get into the room with them and just cry (and then they'll be even more concerned). Am I being irrational?

Mmm, I can't speak for your nursery, but I suspect if they're calling you to a meeting to discuss it, they're more likely to be concerned about what HE is doing to generate these bruises. If they had concerns about you, I think they'd go straight to SS surely?

If he is going up to random children at nursery and hitting them, and then being hit back, as he does at home, I'm not surprised they're asking you to come in and chat about it. That's not okay behaviour. Ditto, if he's screeching around, crashing into things all the time, they may well consider this behaviour concerning.

DN is a bit like this and also was often bruised as a toddler. SIL and BIL are in complete denial that it's a sign of something else and, like you, were simply worried that nursery would think they were hitting him. But from what I could tell from the few things they told me, nursery was concerned by their child's behaviour that then led to all these bruises.

Go to the meeting with an open mind. Listen to what they have to say and think about whether you need to make additional considerations as a result.

If your DS is treating the other children like he treats your older DS, they are going to be wanting you to discuss it with them. NO child, no matter how old, should be going up to another child who is minding their own business and then hitting them.

Does your nursery have a policy on recording accidents and incidents? It might be a good idea to look this up.

Most nurseries have accident forms that a parent should fill in if their child arrives at nursery with a visible injury. If you're not declaring bumps and marks when you drop off, they may want to get to the bottom of what's going on.

Thanks guys - you could actually be right about them being concerned about his behaviour. He doesn't hit his brother often (and obviously we do tell him off when he does) but he has been coming home with a lot of injuries from nursery too (we actually had an accident form sent through this morning just before the call, so that might make sense). They haven't mentioned him hitting any children there though.

Danny Dyer, yes we fill them out in the mornings when we drop him off with a new injury.

I think you might need to prepare yourself for them wanting to make a referral for an assessment. PPs are right, if they were concerned about him they would already have contacted SS.

@obviouslyanxious

Thanks guys - you could actually be right about them being concerned about his behaviour. He doesn't hit his brother often (and obviously we do tell him off when he does) but he has been coming home with a lot of injuries from nursery too (we actually had an accident form sent through this morning just before the call, so that might make sense). They haven't mentioned him hitting any children there though.

He's very young still but if he's very clumsy, falls a lot etc, they could well be concerned. They may also worry that YOU think he's being abused at nursery!

Try not to worry & don't restrict him exploring the world because you're worried about bruises. It's pretty easy to tell the difference between bruises from play/exploring and bruises from abuse. They'll know what a little life wire he is!!

If you think you're going to get emotional, write down your initial thoughts before going in. Something like

• I've also noticed the bruising
• he's at the stage where he tries to do more than he's physically capable of without falling over or bumping himself
• is it just that or is he more clumsy than normal?

[- is he particularly pale-skinned? - some of us bruise if breathed on funny]

• sometimes he picks fights with his older toddler brother who will retaliate if we don't get to them quickly enough
• is he doing the same thing in nursery to other children?
• I'm confident that he's not being deliberately harmed at home (bruising is in places consistent with accidents?)
• do the staff have any suggestions to deal with either the co-ordination or the aggression towards other children?

Try not to sound as if you're blaming them for noticing, and be open to help. (If you start to cry, just say "sorry, I'm hormonal and a bit overwhelmed by all this")

Have you had his eye's tested? Not for the hitting obviously 🙄

@Ojanz, what kind of assessment would that be?

Theunamedcat, no, he hasn't actually and bad eyesight runs on both sides of the family!

Also, my side of the family bruises very easily, which probably doesn't help. I've been concerned before about my own unexplained bruising (tests didn't find anything, it just doesn't take much for me to bruise it seems)

My 22 month old will fall over his own feet. We also have a climber since he was about 8 months old.
He always ends up with bruises on his legs and had one on his arm the other day.

I think they'd have gone straight to SS. I think also they check where the bruises are and places like the legs are common whereas if it was his torso not so common.

[quote obviouslyanxious]@Ojanz, what kind of assessment would that be?

Theunamedcat, no, he hasn't actually and bad eyesight runs on both sides of the family!

Also, my side of the family bruises very easily, which probably doesn't help. I've been concerned before about my own unexplained bruising (tests didn't find anything, it just doesn't take much for me to bruise it seems)[/quote]
It really depends on his behaviour and how bad it is, what triggers it & whether there are other symptoms such as Delay. We get trained on all kinds of illnesses and conditions. But don’t worry - as you said if poor eyesight runs in the family it’s probably that.

I think "assessment" is not really a single option. He's very young, so they might just suggest keeping an eye on things. Definitely eye sight and possibly hearing always seem to be the first ones to come up. They may well have spotted other signs that would then point you in a specific direction - such as a doctor or an occupational therapist.

Or they might just want to make sure you're all on the same page re his regular accidents.

I've got a child with special needs who might not be as bad as we thought because they always said he didn't need glasses as they grow out of being long sighted apparently new optician said let's try them so he has been given them this year he is improving rapidly he was supposed to be heading for a special school this year plans have changed 😳

Hi I’ve managed a nursery for years and I also have a four year old who at 18 months was always covered in bruises. If the nursery were concerned you were harming your child they would call children’s services and would unlikely meet with you upfront first. I’m guessing that they are more likely wanting to speak with you about child being accident prone, for example some children I’ve worked with have been found to bruise easily due to certain health things, could be accident prone as balance is off due to hearing, could be a sight issue, could have glue ear a lot and colds which causes imbalance and accidents so they may want to just run through some things to check if balanace ect is ok see if you have any concerns. They may just want to suggest a gp check up. That’s what I would guess so please try not to worry. 18 month olds are crazy wild
Little beasts 😂 mine was a nightmare! As I say he was always getting bruises head to toe just
From exploring and being wild. I’m sure nursery will Also have noticed this and seen how accident prone he is. Believe me I’d be more concerned as a practitioner seeing a toddler with no bruises ever! Because that tells me they are being sat on their backside all day long and not given chance to walk, run, climb and learn their physical skills!

Thank you everyone - your comments helped me to calm down before the meeting.

It was fine, the staff were friendly and they have no concerns about his development/eyesight or his behaviour with other children (which is good). I'm not sure if it was partly a formality because of the amount of injuries he's had recently but they just wanted to know if anything at home had changed that might be causing him to bruise himself more (it hasn't, he's just got more adventurous and hasn't learnt his limits yet, I think).

I'm obviously worried that if he continues to come in with bruises they might be more concerned so I've decided we're just going to have to watch him extra carefully and wrap him up in protective clothing (ordered a helmet!) until this stage ends.