Fourth trimester - what made the biggest difference second time round?

[Peelspeelspeels]

I had my son in 2018. Had 2 traumatic events just after birth, breastfeeding was painful for 8-10 weeks, baby wouldn’t take a dummy and woke every two hours at best for the first 7 months...I was a very sleep deprived shadow of my former self. GP wasn’t sure if it was PND or just being really tired - eventually my son slept longer stints, I went back to work and had counselling for the trauma after birth, and recovered. We’re now considering TTC number 2 which simultaneously I’m excited and petrified for. If you had a rubbish time postpartum with number 1, but a better experience with subsequent babies, what did you do differently? Priorities so far are trying to plan for birth as best I can to avoid trauma afterwards, putting a bed in the nursery so DH and I can sleep separately and I could possibly co sleep from earlier on, getting baby used to a once-a-day bottle earlier for DH to give so I get a bit more sleep, and maybe a dummy. Any other suggestions would be great!

My only DD is six months old, but we had an appalling fourth trimester (and she's still not an easy baby to be honest!), but I just wanted to recommend these dummies: www.amazon.co.uk/Tommee-Tippee-Breast-Like-Soothers/dp/B07LGYCG8W/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=tommee+tippee+dummies+0-6+months&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1621894221&sr=8-5

We had tried so many dummies and my baby just looked at me like I was mad when I tried putting them in her mouth, then I was wandering through Superdrug in a haze of sleep deprivation when I saw these said 'accepted by 97% of babies' on them. They were an instant game changer for us!

Thanks - I tried these with my son (and every other dummy out there!) but possibly I discovered them too late on. I’ll try them earlier next time!

Sorry to hear of your trauma experienced with your first. I was diagnosed and treated with PTSD after my first. Only very recently just given birth to my 2nd and boy what a completely different experience!! My first wouldn't be put down at all until 10 weeks in, and even then was only for very short period of time! My 2nd goes down like an absolute dream! She feeds every 3 hours but just sleeps in her own cot between feeds. Part of me thinks, ' different baby' but there is a little bit of me that also thinks I am much more happy to put her down (right from the beginning) and so maybe because my attitude is slightly different ( and I'm not so shell shocked as I was with my first) things are different because of me and my approach?! I'm not sure but either way, don't let your experiences with your 1st stop you from having another. In the end they are only small for such a short period of time! Having a 2nd for me was the healing experience I needed. Good luck with whatever you decide

2nd time: Next2Me crib, DS2 permanently in sling apart from when he was in buzzy/bouncy chair, learned how to BF DS2 in sling. He was actually really easy and never cried!

As an encouragement I found breastfeeding SO much easier the second time. Like you the first time I was in pain until about 10/12 weeks, kept getting sore and not being able to recover. But the second time was a dream, I knew what I was doing and all the preemptive things to do to prevent/combat soreness so it went so smoothly. I hope you have the same experience! I also co slept from the beginning with my second which I found much easier. I always intended to introduce a bottle the second time as I did the first time but actually I never really found it necessary as feeding and co sleeping made things easier and my DH took over with my older child so I didn’t really need him to be able to take over with the baby.

Now on my third baby and do wish I’d persevered with the dummy though, only because sometimes it’s hard to get to her quickly with the other two around so I wish I had an easier way to comfortable her/ get her to sleep without me

A sling! My second was and still is a velcro baby so a sling made all the difference. It meant I could get things done and also play with my eldest without worrying. Now moved from a stretchy wrap to a ring sling and also an ergobaby and he's still content in there.

Also breastfeeding my second, so much easier than bottles!

Everything is easier the second time around because you know what you are doing. Except for the also having a toddler part, that’s harder.

Planned C-section, separate bedrooms so I dealt with baby and DH dealt with DC1, DC2 lived in a sling for the first 3 months, continued with nursery for DC1 so I had time to rest.

The baby will be different! Some of them cope better with the transition and 4th trimester.
I agree that you are often more relaxed and less obsessed:- with my second it was a case of 'well you need the boob now as we have got to do the school run so there won't be another opportunity for an hour or so'. Try and keep an open mind about the birth. Appreciate you haven't said much about this but unless it's an elective cs you can't really plan. Don't let yourself be disappointed by something that didn't go to plan when it's out of your control.
You will have a completely different experience with your second.

For me 1) not having a c section and me not being ill b) know it push and push with professional in the early weeks when I knew something was wrong and bf worked so I could eliminate food as I saw fit (allergies) c) know what was to come and excepting that we will be on survival footing for the first 6 months. Using a sling all the time. D) increasing cleaner hours

Thank you for all your kind comments. @beanys yes I think the trauma after birth definitely played a part in my son’s clinginess, as I was so on edge he was almost certainly picking up on that. So hopefully different baby and different experience will help how I feel about it. And congratulations on your baby!

Those suggesting a sling - I did use one a bit last time but I have pelvic pain which gets worse when carrying heavy things, so it was very hard to use past a few months last time. I will try again though or try a sling library to get a better fit.

@Sunshine1235 I’m hopeful breastfeeding will be easier with a second baby - his latch wasn’t the best, assessed by specialists for tongue tie and he didn’t have one, but my nipple always looked like a lipstick after a feed, even after it stopped hurting. So hopefully that was just him!

@MrsPatrickDempsey agreed, planning birth is pointless - but in my birth debrief session the midwife said there were things they could do differently next time after what happened with my first. I’m aware it could be traumatic in a different way instead though so I’ll have to cross that bridge if it comes to it.

@Fitforforty D sounds very wise!

I think what I’m taking away from this is to try the practical stuff that can help like beds/sling/dummies, but ultimately I can’t change the baby but I can try and change my mindset. I’d definitely get help sooner if I did feel the way I felt last time at least. Thank you again!

Just to add don’t be surprised if getting pregnant again stirs up old emotions. Ask for a referal to maternal mental health service as soon as you think you may need it.

Oh god. No.2 was a completely different experience for me. I had a difficult labour with DD1, very long, traumatic ending. I had moderate PND I think.. nothing too awful but I really struggled to bond for a while, cried a lot & hated being a mum. It got better, that DD is 4 now!

DD2 is 14 months. Her birth was fast, 3 hours, no painkillers & minimal damage. Had grazes and a minor tear. She was born in the evening so I didn’t lose a nights sleep. Obviously, DD2 woke & fed but I got some sleep! I recovered within a week, a world away from the couple months with DD1.

I had zero PND with DD2. I felt no negative feelings at all. No matter how tired, I just coped & felt happy. I loved every cuddle & I didn’t stress about anything. I knew everything was just a phase.. I knew the night feeds would end. I knew the colic would end. I knew the napping in a sling would end (which was nice but DD would wake easily if I tried to do jobs or DD1 was noisy). I knew she’d sleep in a cot eventually. I co-slept when needed so we all got some sleep.. I didn’t stress about routine, I knew she’d get into one at some point. I did & still do just roll with DD2, I haven’t the time to overthink or worry, she slots into our existing life!

I decided to not breast feed DD2. For me, it was the right decision. I spent months hating it with DD1 but feeling I’d fail if I admitted I just didn’t enjoy it at all. DD2, I bottle fed & I loved every feed. We snuggled & still had that bonding time but I felt in control of my choice. Zero guilt. I just don’t enjoy breast feeding. And that’s OK!

The other major thing was I refused overnight & frequent visitors. DD1, we had family arriving left, right & centre. It was too much. I was exhausted & in pain & just needed to rest. But I couldn’t. DD2, I said only grandparents to stay & friends/family could pop in for an hour or so. As it happened, lockdown came in two days after DD2 and it was a blessing in the early weeks. I rested, slept, the house was messy, I was messy but no-one saw us so who cares! And there was zero pressure to go anywhere or do anything obviously. I felt so relaxed & calm. As time wore on, lockdown became hard. The lack of support was tough. But the first 2/3 weeks, bliss! I’d do it again if we had another!

A lot of what you said resonates with me @NotBot - I think knowing everything is a phase because you’ve already done it once and come out the other side is different to everyone telling you it’s just a phase, especially when you’ve not enjoyed much of motherhood at all and can’t imagine it being better. I’d love to actually enjoy the newborn days just a bit and feel happy during them - I couldn’t even read the congratulations cards last time, I felt like I needed sympathy cards instead. (If anyone gave me a congratulations card for my toddler now though I’d love it!)

So sorry to read your first experience. My first baby was such an unbelievably easy one, fed easily, slept easily, birth went like a dream yet I was very, very mentally unwell and didn't bond with him for a while. Wasn't diagnosed with PND as my intrusive thoughts made me hide it and it gradually went away.

I was quite worried that it would happen again 2nd time, and although I did wobble I was nowhere near. 2nd baby was born earlier in the year and the extra daylight helped me so much. It meant that the most sleep deprived weeks weren't long and dark.

Also my first taught me that having routine really helped, baby 2 fell into this easily, helped by school run just coinciding with naps and feeds.

3rd time I planned for a spring baby, I haven't suffered at all this time. Each time having another little pair of hands or two, and the company has helped. Having a lock down baby has been bliss for me too :-)