Toddler 2.5 so so shy/scared after lockdown... worried about preschool

[LeeMiller]

DS is 2.5. He has never been to nursery but stayed home with me or GPs/uncle and due to strict lockdown where we live (abroad) he has had no in-person interaction with other kids for months and months, and very little with adults except close relatives and the doctor, shop assistants etc (masked). Parks were closed so he barely saw other kids let alone played with any. Now things have started to open up we have begun going out on walks to busy places, to the cafe, park, playground, shop etc but he is terrified. He cries, wants to leave/go home etc. If other people speak to us he avoids eye contact, looks away and physically hides if possible, wants to go to the far end of the park away from other children. Afterwards he will ask questions/talk positively about people(especially kids) he saw, he just can't cope in the moment. I try to reassure him without pushing but I'm so worried that the lack of socialisation due to covid has been really damaging for his social development.

I'm sure part of it is personality - he has always been very clingy with me and a bit wary of other people (adults/kids), liked to observe for a bit first but once he got used to the situation was fine and got stuck in. With people he knows he is boisterous and very chatty. This summer is especially tough as it involves a lot of changes, we are moving to a new city and currently staying with relatives, it has been a bit stressful for him and he seems to be back in a separation anxiety phase.

He is due to start nursery/preschool in September, with a big class of over 20 kids (he'll be among the youngest). I know 4 months is a long time but it's so hard for me to imagine how it won't be traumatic/awful for him. I really want to use these 4 months to help him adapt to all the changes in his life and prepare socially/emotionally for the experience (aside from the practical stuff like needing to potty train him) but I'm not sure how to achieve that other than very gradual aclimatisation. Does anyone have any advice/books or videos to recommend /a similar experience that turned out well?!

We were in a situation where we had to shield for 5 months this winter. DD was just under 2 when it finished. We basically saw no-one in that time, and if we did see anyone in the distance, MIL would make us hide or go the other way.

By the time we were able to see anyone again, DD was really scared of people and had stopped talking. I was so worried about her. As soon as I could, I started taking her into shops, talking to any random person I could engage in conversation, doing park trips and arranging visits and play dates with relatives. Over the course of a month, she did a complete U-turn and is now confident and happy around people again. (The speech isn't great yet but it is improving. It's just like we've started again.)

It's not quite the same as she was a really confident, sociable kid pre-Covid, but I think your son will be ok. It just might take a bit longer.

One thing I will add, is that any time we try try to make her social distance around other kids makes her start getting anxious again. She just can't rationalise it except to think that people aren't safe.

Sorry that was so long!

Don't apologise @ChaosMoon that is so reassuring to hear, you've made me feel a lot better. I'm really pleased for your daughter too.

Playdates will have to wait until we move (hopefully in a few weeks) but we are doing the other stuff as much as possible. I just think it must be so confusing for small kids.

We met my eight month old great niece this weekend, a lockdown baby. My Sister has only met baby a couple of times.
Baby was fine, though I kept thinking that five people in a room must be sensory overload for her.

The thing with children is that they are endlessly adaptable. Yours will be too, just give them the chance.

And don't forget, others in his class will have experienced the same thing, so may have similar trepadations.

As my adult DD said, we've all been in the shit. Our sh it may have been different, but it's still shit.

My almost 2 and a half year old is exactly the same - he’s only been with 4 adults for over a year, even my grandparents who we doorstep visit once a week he will close his eyes and look away from when they talk to him. 😔

It's so upsetting isn't it @Sleepplease1111 . Rationally I know it's the result of the situation (combined with developmental age etc) and he probably just needs time, but I feel like I've let him down/will be letting him down by sending him off to nursery school ill-equipped for it.

And don't forget, others in his class will have experienced the same thing, so may have similar trepadations.
Yes, this is true, though in some ways I feel like this makes it worse, as teachers will have so many kids struggling with social skills (and language skills in lots of cases, I immagine) to deal with at once. But certainly, it's not unique to us, and of course many people have had a far worse time of it. It must have been wonderful to finally meet yor great niece @user1471453601.

It was fantastic @LeeMiller., Thanks for your reply.

Mum and baby seem to be doing really well, I didn't get chance to meet nieces lovely husband as he we off meeting his own dad.

We've all made sacrifices. Some have lost their business. Some their jobs, some their lives.

As I said, shit, just different types.

I could have written your exact post 2 months ago. I was so very worried as well as completely heartbroken for my little one. Like yours, mine had never been the life and soul of the party but was quietly confident in her own way.

Well, 2 months on and I absolutely need never have worried. We did lots of what someone else has suggested; going to shops, parks, friends' gardens, just to demonstrate by example that people aren't scary.

It'll come.

Hi OP, thanks for your post - it's reassuring for me to hear we're not alone! We're in a very similar situation here. My LO (2.5) was also a bit shy/keen on routine/scared of loud noises etc before lockdown but got so much worse. We have met up with friends a couple of times at points when restrictions were lighter and she has totally freaked out, to the point where I gave up and took her home after 45 minutes because she just wasn't settling. We moved a couple of months ago and she did better than I expected in some ways, given that our old house was literally her world for almost all her life (she slept OK pretty much straight away, ate OK, seemed happy at times and didn't cry and ask to go home) but in other ways it hit her much harder than I expected- her tantrums had been improving before the move but became horrendous and she became even more clingy. We had a gas man come out just after the move and she screamed hysterically for 45 minutes until we took her out 😪

I have been desperately worried of course but our HV says that she is not worried given how well our LO is doing in other areas and given how much this is an issue for other kids they are coming across- she thinks that it's just a combination of shy personality plus covid. We started our LO doing two mornings a week at nursery just before our move and she found separating from us really hard - but apparently she started to calm and enjoy it within a couple of weeks. I have noticed a difference in her since then - she still doesn't love other kids running up to her but she's no longer pulling me to the other end of the park when she clocks another child. She has dealt relatively well with workmen in the house (clearly not at ease but not screaming) and even did pretty well when the ILs took her to visit some relatives she barely knows for an hour or two.

I think your LO will be fine- I think nursery will help in the long term and in the meantime I would just keep exposing them to people/noise for short periods (five minutes) but as often as you can and then build up the duration. It is SO worrying but you aren't alone and I think most kids will adapt once the world around them changes back - some will just take longer than others but that's OK.

Thank you so much for all these replies. I'm really sorry for everyone whose DC are also struggling but I can't tell you how much better I feel for hearing that we're aren't alone, and about the progress lots of your DC have made. Most other toddlers we know attend nursery so they've had a very different (not necessarily easier, but less isolated) lockdown and my MIL won't stop going on about how it's not "normal" that DS is so shy/scared - as if anything about the last year has been normal! So thank you!

This morning we went to the shops and then to a park we haven't been to for a year. I don't know if it was coincidence or because I was feeling 'lighter' and DS picked up on that, but he was much braver. I let him lead and rather than hide he chose to head over to the playground where some primary-aged children were playing. He wouldn't go on the same equipment but otherwise seemed unafraid and was smiling and asking lots of questions about what they were doing. So that felt really really positive.

I've also ordered a couple of books on themes of emotions/ dealing with scary situations etc to see if they help.

The increased tantrums /clinginess sounds so familiar @Jennyz123, DS also seems fine about not being at the old house and keeps talking excitedly about the new house, but he is clearly stressed by the disruption to his routine and surroundings and is expressing it in his behaviour.

That's really brilliant OP! It is so incredibly tempting to just stay at home or not do anything you know they'll find stressful but I think my LO will never learn there's nothing to be scared of that way - it's great you took your LO to the new (ish) park and he was happy, they always surprise you when you least expect it! Yes we moved mid March and I think we're only just coming out of the mega tantrums/clingfest now - it's been really hard but not surprising I suppose. I think lockdown will have had a huge impact on a lot of kids this age, but I'm just hoping they are young enough that it will be reversible in time. My HV was really reassuring for us, not sure if yours is any good but you could always give them a call if you're feeling worried about it in the future?

Thanks @Jennyz123 we are overseas so no health visitor but I will chat to our paediatrician next time we have a check up if there is no improvement. We had another successful coffee shop/playground visit today, only one other child was there but DS seemed interested and cautious rather than scared. He actually seems more nervous around younger toddlers than older children, I wonder if that's because their movements are less predictable and he can't understand their babbling. Baby steps but feeling a bit more like we'll get there eventually!

Why not try taking him to organised toddler groups which tend to be small in numbers due to covid. I know in my area they are all starting up again. It could be a good introduction to new places, adults and children. My son (just turned 3) was a very shy toddler and has just started preschool, I'm not going to lie, he didn't enjoy it the first few sessions....but now says he's excited to go. It's his 5th session alone. They soon adapt. Get some books from the library to read to him about preschool so you can start talking about it now.

Hi OP and others in the same boat! Sorry to resurrect the thread after a while but I was just wondering how you are finding things a little while after the restrictions have lifted?

I had a total panic here because nursery gave me the 'have you had your daughter's hearing checked?' (with concerned face) talk. The child has the ears of a bat so I knew this wouldn't be the issue- but apparently she wasn't talking much there, not responding to the staff often and paying no attention to group times. Together with all the worries I had before about hating being around strangers and not liking new places etc. I really went into a panic!! I sent some videos of her chatting non stop at home but it was/is still a worry she is so different there.

But they've given her lots of 1:1 time and apparently she's been a tiny bit more chatty the last few weeks and even joined in a game of sleeping bunnies so I am hoping it is just the whole shyness and not being used to people post lockdown thing - time will tell! We've also taken her on her first train trip which I was worried about but she LOVED (and had a massive tantrum when we had to get off after one stop 🙄)! She didn't scream at the aunties who were at my in laws' when we got there and even spoke to them when prompted- progress! And she played football with my husband's friend and his LO in the park yesterday, no screaming involved apparently. So I feel like maybe being around less familiar people/places is starting to become a bit more normal for her post-lockdown? We're visiting friends tomorrow, I've jinxed it now haven't I... would love to hear how others who were in the same boat are getting on!

Hi OP and others in the same boat! Sorry to resurrect the thread after a while but I was just wondering how you are finding things a little while after the restrictions have lifted?

I had a total panic here because nursery gave me the 'have you had your daughter's hearing checked?' (with concerned face) talk. The child has the ears of a bat so I knew this wouldn't be the issue- but apparently she wasn't talking much there, not responding to the staff often and paying no attention to group times. Together with all the worries I had before about hating being around strangers and not liking new places etc. I really went into a panic!! I sent some videos of her chatting non stop at home but it was/is still a worry she is so different there.

But they've given her lots of 1:1 time and apparently she's been a tiny bit more chatty the last few weeks and even joined in a game of sleeping bunnies so I am hoping it is just the whole shyness and not being used to people post lockdown thing - time will tell! We've also taken her on her first train trip which I was worried about but she LOVED (and had a massive tantrum when we had to get off after one stop 🙄)! She didn't scream at the aunties who were at my in laws' when we got there and even spoke to them when prompted- progress! And she played football with my husband's friend and his LO in the park yesterday, no screaming involved apparently. So I feel like maybe being around less familiar people/places is starting to become a bit more normal for her post-lockdown? We're visiting friends tomorrow, I've jinxed it now haven't I... would love to hear how others who were in the same boat are getting on!