How would you handle this situation?

[Butchdanes]

I need some perspective because I’m emotionally drained from the situation with my ex (oldest 2 children’s father)

Big huge back story of being in and out of court, lied about, controlled, let down hugely by courts and cafcass and no matter how many court orders out in place, there’s still always some sort of issue, it is absolutely exhausting.

We have 50/50 custody, one week on, one week off.

The latest court order stated that the children are to be made available to the parent they are not with at the time should their be a family member within the households birthday (yes, we really did have to have this issue stipulated in court, because ex refuses to let them attend the birthdays of their half half sibling and such like if it falls within his allotted weeks.

My oldest sons birthday is coming up, it’s during exes week, court order states that the children are allowed to see the other parent on their birthday etc but he’s old enough to decide so I asked if he wanted to split the day or just come to me the following day, he chose to come the next day, absolutely fine. He will now be coming 1 day earlier than his normal contact time due to how the days fall.

Obviously like everyone else, it’s been a crap year, we’ve done nothing, been nowhere, all birthdays have been non events, so I figured we’d make a day of it and do an activity that everybody has wanted to do for a while (i am killing two birds with one stone here admittedly, I don’t ever have a lot of money, and struggle a lot, so I can’t afford to do something different for sons birthday and then do activity as well another day during the half term for example but I know my son will be pleased with what’s planned)

Ex won’t let DD come. He will NOT lose out on 24 hours with dd so she can attend ds birthday and celebrate as a family. I feel absolutely awful for her, ex seems to think we should “just do it another day” - but it’s not the point really in my eyes, we shouldn’t have to, i think it’s entirely reasonable that ds is considered “a member of the household” and as a result my requests falls into what’s stipulated in the court order anyway, but I am already giving up seeing him on his actual birthday, and now, I either take him and his other siblings to activity and celebrate whilst leaving dd or I move it to another day and I feel like I’m not prioritising my son when it’s his day?? Not to mention the fact it’s causes drama with current partner because my ex enraged him and he thinks the kids (10 and 11) need to know what their dads like and if dd is missing out then she needs to take it up with ex, but it’s not her fault and the fact that she wants to be there doesn’t matter a dime to my ex.

I’m so stressed out. I would just desperately like to hear what others would do in this situation, I’m fed up with it, every little thing is like this, I genuinely can’t handle it anymore, I am so broken after years of this I truly am and feel so sorry for the children and the shitty example they have to witness from adults who should be putting them first (I really try to always put them first, but my ex seems to prioritise getting at me over doing the right thing/what makes them happy)

I would keep your plans as they are and I would let your dd know that she is invited and you very much want her there, that you've discussed this with her dad and encourage her to express to him that she wants to join the activity.

My dad was a selfish jerk and at 11, I completely knew it. I don't think it does children any good to shield them from what their parents are truly like. She is getting to an age that she can start to make decisions about if and when she wants to spend time with him. I would absolutely make sure she knows that she is very wanted there and welcome, and I would leave him to make the decision. He wants you to dance around him changing your plans and I wouldn't rise to it. Eventually I started to stand up to my dad and be quite assertive about what I wanted and it was a good thing for me (and also just a good life skill to have - even if it's a less than ideal way to develop it - because really your parents shouldn't be shitheads).

I think it’s worse because there’s a court order, she can’t vote with her feet. The situation is just horrible. I feel like her childhood is being ruined 😔

Can anybody else give me there input on this??
I’m so bloody stressed out with the thought of this occurring over every little aspect of our future 😔

I’m absolutely confused

So your ex is allowing your son to decide what he wants to do because presumably he feels he is old enough to decide....

Yet won’t allow your daughter to do the same even though there is just a year between them.

What has he actually said? This seems oddly cruel to the younger one.

@SquirtleTurtle2 pretty much? I could have forced ds to come to me on his actually birthday and split the day, but I gave him the choice and he chose to come for the full day the following day instead....no problems here, but this day is technically on exes contact time, so with regards to dd he is forcing her to stay there as won’t let her come to celebrate ds’s birthday with our family!

He exact words were “I'm not prepared to lose 24 hours with DD. It's DS birthday, spend some time with him on his own. You have all half term to organise something for all of them”

This is the first half term I’ve had them (because it’s finally fallen on my week) in YEARS, so it can’t possibly be because he’s bitter about that (and I’ve even said he could have them at some point if there’s anything he wanted to do or if he felt the need to “get his 24hrs” with DD)

I feel like I’m offering every reasonable solution but it’s rejected because he just enjoys being in control.

When I’ve questioned that the court order stares the children can come for birthdays of household members, he actually said that means everybody else in the house, not our actual kids. Personally I think he’s narcissistic and off his head, so if someone reasonable is willing to tell me I’m wrong I’m prepared to listen. If it was a birthday party with other people, she would still not be able to attend, it’s not the same thing as just doing something on another day when it’s something arranged FOR the birthday. God I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Well she technically can vote with her feet because the court order permits her to do so. A family members birthday, ignoring his interpretation of that.

Other than that focus on the kids and your time. You say you have half term this year? So can it be then when you have them anyway? So son comes to you for birthday, them activity booked for next day with family. Kick start the celebrations something with you and son. Next day whole family.

Sometimes dealing with someone like this it's best to just do your own thing and not involve him at all. He's never going to agree and will try and ruin it so making your time and your terms as good as possible negates that.

Well he is being completely unreasonable! Has your daughter mentioned whether she would like to go to him? It is horrible and difficult for kids to say what they want sometimes but she really must if this type of crap isn’t to continue.

So he's probably loving the fact that you're stressed and upset about this. I would just say 'ok' and not mention it again. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's winding you up. Spend the day with the kids you have and do something special on another day when they're all there. Be the bigger person here and, as someone said, your daughter will soon see her dad for what he is.

As a former family lawyer, I used to see this type of stuff all the time.

@Ginger1982 thing is, DD does see it, she wants to live with me full time - but what can I do about it??? There’s a court order in place (and my experience in court thus far, has been nothing short of horrific!) she can’t vote with her feet because her dad won’t let her, I could go and pick her up, but he will make sure they aren’t there/not let her out, I could try and keep her with me moving forward, but once she’s at school he can pic her up, he acts like she’s his property. He doesn’t give a toss who she wants to live with or how much he’s upsetting her. The only answer is to wait until she is older, damage will already be done 😔

This sounds absolutely awful for you and the kids. Trying to think of it from the kids point of view I suppose the only thing that puts them first in the context of your ex being an absolute wanker is to not make a massive issue of it. "Mummy is here to collect Your brother to celebrate his birthday and tomorrow I'll be here to collect you to continue the celebrations with a film and popcorn at home". She might not find it odd as she's only young and she probably won't remember it in years to come. What she would remember is if you kicked up a fuss and had a big row with your ex about this. I think you just have to say ok like someone else has said and let it go. It's hideous and awful and your ex is a dick but I don't really see what else you can do as he's so unreasonable

I’m sorry I’m very confused.
Are you arranging an activity for your oldest son during his fathers contact time? Because his birthday happens during his dads contact time and then expecting his to allow your other child to attend a well?
If that’s the case I don’t think you’ve done the right thing. You should have arranged something during your contact time and then you wouldn’t be having this problem. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do that?
I could understand if it was their half siblings birthday but it doesn’t read like that.

I can't think why he's an ex?!

I would wait until DD turns 11 then go back to court as she doesn't want to do 50/50 anymore (unsurprisingly).

Knowing what an absolute test he is, I wouldn't have asked DS what he wanted to do, I would have just picked both kids up and taken them out/home fir a birthday dinner & planned the party/activity for half term to avoid all the drama.

I'd arrange your plans for half term and have the birthday celebrations then. It sounds like he's an arse but you seem to have made this situation difficult.

She's old enough to start voting with her feet. She can refuse to go with him and you can keep a record of why and go back to court.

I think you should just plan the a

I think you should just plan the activity when your dd is there. Am I right in thinking this would be the following day?

[quote Butchdanes]@Ginger1982 thing is, DD does see it, she wants to live with me full time - but what can I do about it??? There’s a court order in place (and my experience in court thus far, has been nothing short of horrific!) she can’t vote with her feet because her dad won’t let her, I could go and pick her up, but he will make sure they aren’t there/not let her out, I could try and keep her with me moving forward, but once she’s at school he can pic her up, he acts like she’s his property. He doesn’t give a toss who she wants to live with or how much he’s upsetting her. The only answer is to wait until she is older, damage will already be done 😔[/quote]
Well she's of an age where the court should be taking her views into account. Can you request a review of the order?

He sounds like a dick and I'm sorry. But absolutely do not do what posters suggest and put pressure on DD to vote with her feet. Or allow her to miss out. Kids need to learn that it's having a birthday celebration that matters, not what specific day it falls on. Leave your DS with his dad for his full contact time and have a celebration that includes everyone at half term, that way everyone is together and the ex can't kick off.

He does sound like a total arse and I completely see why you are stressed and upset BUT I agree with other PPs that it would be a lot easier for everyone, and less upset for your DCs, if you’d just booked the day out to celebrate your DSs birthday during your own time with your shared DC. Surely even a family with both parents together and all DC at home tend to book the family activities when everyone can easily attend. If one of my kids had a midweek birthday, we’d all go out to do something to celebrate the weekend before or after. Ok we might manage a meal on the actual day but the main celebration, either a family day out or party with friends, would be on the closest weekend that worked for everyone.

I would try to play him at his own game, if this is about losing 24 hours with his DD (which we know it isn't) then offer him an extra day with her in exchange for her being able to come to her own brother's birthday party. Weirdly happy enough for you to take Ds for a whole day that isn't his birthday.

I would also tell her straight, she is invited you want her to be there but it is ultimately up to her Dad whether he will let her.

How long ago was the last court case? I would be enquiring as to when the courts would take your Dd's wishes into account. I would post in legal and ask about that part. I think secondary school does put a whole other slant on children's main home due to application and also just a complete shift in homework expectations, having access to all your books etc.

I feel really sorry for you, it sounds incredibly stressful! If I were you, i'd shift the celebration to a day when both children are with you, then you can all enjoy it. I would be honest with the children about why I had cancelled the earlier plan. My dsisster has a similar exh and I always encourage her to expect the unreasonable. He uses their dd to get back at my sister. When she's planning christmas, birthdays etc, she makes plans that don't involve him being reasonable (or as per their court order!) as he always kicks up a fuss and it ruins it for everyone. I really hope you get to enjoy the celebration with both of your children.

Eh I kind of this you're the one being unreasonable in this situation. I'm assuming you're also the one that went to court over this and think you're court order is also unreasonable. Why don't you just celebrate on the weekend before or after if a birthday falls on his week?
It just seems like you've created a huge problem for something that didn't need to be a problem. It's still a birthday celebration even if it's a few days before or after.

He sounds like a complete dick tbh!

I think I'd see your ds for half a day on his actual birthday and then take them all out on half term and have another 'birthday' for the whole family. Sometimes it's just easier to do this than give your ex the satisfaction of knowing he's got to you. He's doing it, and using the dc to continue to control you.

My ex can be like this but I simply don't ask him for anything. I never ask to change days or to move things as he will always find a way to put a spanner in the works.
My dc know what he's like and are happy to do this and know that I can never arrange anything during 'his' time.

@AllosaurusMum for what reason would you make those assumptions?

I don’t believe it in the best interests of children to have to celebrate their birthdays simply to placate a difficult parent. Especially when the court have already make these considerations (along with what school they should attend and every other thing that should be sorted amicably between parents)