Am I being unreasonable?

[Mummysarah12]

Interested to know thoughts on this...
I have a 10 week old baby and a just turned 2 year old. Our 2 year old is generally very good and sleeps through, 10 week old wakes a couple of times.
My partner went out the other night so I was left to bedtime on my own which was absolutely horrendous. He has told me he wants to go out this weekend and also the week after next. As soon as he told me I broke down in tears as I am so exhausted & the thought having to bedtime on my own again is just so horrific, plus I am paranoid over what I do if both baby & toddler woke at the same time & how I deal with that.., he thinks it’s unfair for me to tell him he can’t go....,
I guess at some point I will want a night out (not that I can actually think past each day at the moment given the sleep deprivation) so I don’t know maybe I am being unfair?

What do others do? Do your partners/husbands go out with a baby this young? And how do you manage things with the children?

TIA

When I had a 2 year old and a newborn my DH worked away for a couple of weeks at a time, so I had to figure out a way to cope pretty quickly - that said, we knew that was our set up when we decided to have children and I felt up to yes challenge (it was fucking hard, I won't lie) but if you hadn't planned on having your DH go back to going out so soon then you need to talk to him about that.
Practical advice I can give is to lower the bar, try to cut yourself some slack, if the house is a tip don't worry about it, it can be dealt with tomorrow.
When you do have a second, do something that helps future you - I often try to be my own best friend when I'm alone with the kids.

Can't he go out after the kids are asleep?

Is he going out for a particular occasion or anything? My husband has a couple of stag dos coming up and as much as I’m already dreading him being away for two or three nights in a row (and we only have one baby (who doesn’t sleep)) they are really close friends of his and I’d feel awful making him miss out. If these are just random nights out he’s going on, then it would annoy me, especially when your youngest is still so young. Also, does he work in the week? Even though I still do a lot of the actual caring side for our baby, I feel so much more relaxed at weekend because my husband is around so if he then used that time to go on nights out, I would again be v annoyed!

I personally would just tell him how you feel in a way that doesn’t come across like a telling off or rant as I know some men feel even more inclined to go out because they think they’re hard done by at home. Hopefully he understands where you’re coming from and chooses not to go for your sake

Has he done any bedtimes by himself yet?

That's a lot of nights out in a row. I would be telling him that yes he can go out but you will be going out on another night of each weekend.

I'm pretty chilled out about nights out but three in three weeks is a bit much with two very young children.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable. One evening out a week just for three weeks. Can he not help put them to bed? Why is it so difficult? Can he put them to bed so you can go out, or at least have a night off?

Does he normally help with bedtime?

Could you ask him to go once they’re in bed? My DH works late into the evening so I became quite used to bedtimes on my own with 2 DC; at 10 weeks my DS didn’t have a bedtime so I just took him downstairs with me once I’d settled DD but once he did I just got myself into a routine with it although the nights he was home were much easier.

Not unreasonable but a bit pathetic, frankly. Millions of women manage bedtime with two kids. Sorry if that's harsh.

I think he's being unfair. Going away for work is totally different.

He should go out after bedtime.

@Bloomsburyreader

Not unreasonable but a bit pathetic, frankly. Millions of women manage bedtime with two kids. Sorry if that's harsh.

Millions of people manage in all sorts of crap situations, but it doesn't mean we should just put up with things if they are avoidable.

He’s goes out after bedtime. Isn’t that the solution?

Dh worked evenings when DC were young so I had to put them all to bed. As long as it's not every week and you get some time to yourself I wouldn't ask him to stop in

The compromise would be that he goes out after bedtime.
Does it impact upon the next day?? Will he be in no fit state to care for the DC then and leave it all to you? If so then he also needs to give you some time alone to allow you to refresh and recharge

If you can’t manage, you can’t manage. It would be pretty shitty behaviour if he knew that and still wanted to go out. Ask him to help you to do bedtime and then go out. He needs to curb his expectations.

What time does your 2yr old go to bed? If he sleeps through I see no issue, although as long as your partner knows there’s no pre children mid day wake ups the following day, he can wake up with the eldest

When I had Ds2 (Ds1 was 16m) I found betimes really difficult. I was still bf Ds1 and Ds2 wanted to cluster feed. I didn't really start to manage properly until Ds2 was 6m.

Some women might find it easy. But you aren't "some women" you are you and your DH should be supporting you. If that means he needs to be around a bedtime then that's what he needs to do.

IMO 3 weekends in a row is totally taking the piss. Me and DH now have 3 Ds (youngest is 9 weeks). Evenings away from home are discussed and if I don't feel up to it then it doesn't happen. It is fairly standard that he stays to do bedtime with our 3 and 4 yr olds before he goes anywhere. He knows that trying to do bedtime with 2 (or 1) small children and a bf baby is really hard. We are a team and we look after each other.

Hopefully your DH will take the same view

Thanks for the responses - very mixed!

Our 10 week old is colicky and pretty much cries all evening until 9pm. Our 2 year old is very needy at bedtime and needs one of us with her to fall asleep. So bedtime is extremely challenging at the moment.

Obviously I understand that loads of mothers have husbands that work nights etc & I probably do sound a bit pathetic as they obviously cope.

I agree that him going out after bedtime is the best solution, though our toddler goes to bed 7pm is she hasn’t napped and 9pm if she has had a nap.

Well despite what anyone else would do, if my partner was on their knees with exhaustion due to bringing up my kids then I would forgoe a few nights out to help with the kids. Just as a decent human being tbh.

10 weeks in, your baby is still a very demanding newborn who's birth you are still recovering from, but they have also been around long enough to allow you to feel the full effects of sleep deprivation. Things which have clearly not affected your DH as much as you if he is wanting to go out all night.

At 8-12 weeks I was a wreck with all of mine and could barely walk upstairs to my bedroom let alone go out for the night. And I had a hands on husband and no colik!

Congratulations on your new baby btw!