Would this piss you off?

[NameChange456789]

NC for this but have been a regular poster for a few years now.

I have a DC who was diagnosed with ASD at two years old. DC means the world to me and I love them more than anything but they can be extremely hard work.

A friend of mine who I have know for over a decade and who I consider a close friend has made a couple of comments when I have brought this up, just casually in conversation. I try not to talk about things that are going on as I know that some people just don't really want to hear it, which is fair enough, but I did happen to mention that my DC was going through a stage of smearing their poo and biting me. And I mean properly latching on and not letting go. When I mentioned this I was told "oh, all children do that" and she will then completely change the subject. I just found it all really dismissive of what I was saying and how I was feeling. I would understand if it was me completely dominating every conversation with this but I'm not, it's just something I have happened to mention.

She makes me feel like I have to keep everything to myself and I feel that she thinks I am being dramatic.

Would this upset anyone else?

We're moving this thread over to our Parenting topic for the OP.

If she's got no experience of this she probably just doesn't know what to say and is uncomfortable in the conversation.

Some people are just not good at verbal support. What's she like for practical support?

If she's otherwise a good friend I'd let it go. If not, maybe it's time to move on from the friendship.

She doesn't have experience with a child with additional needs but she does have two children.

Maybe she was trying to make you feel better?
Better than announcing her dc would never do that...

I don’t tend to talk to folk about challenges with my DD unless they too have children with additional support needs - they just don’t get it and I end up frustrated rather than feeling supported. It’s annoying but it is what it is.

some people are just not good at verbal support

I do get that which I why I tend to not bring this up, but it feels like when I do she's annoyed or frustrated at me.

It didn't feel like that though, it was like she was frustrated with me.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I don’t tend to talk to folk about challenges with my DD unless they too have children with additional support needs - they just don’t get it and I end up frustrated rather than feeling supported. It’s annoying but it is what it is.

She talks about challenges in her life but I can't talk about mine. It just feels very one sided.

Yes it sounds like her response was not particularly empathetic but as pp said, some people just aren’t good as support abs maybe she thought making light of it was the right way to go?

On the other hand if you don’t talk about life with you DC often maybe she is unaware with how difficult things have been for you?

What did you say when she said it was what all children do? Maybe that was an opportunity to say “no it’s not.” And explain some more about what was going on?

She has been around my DC since they were a baby so she definitely knows the challenges. DC is almost 7 so to be told that all children that age smear and bite just felt really dismissive because it's obviously not the case.

@NameChange456789

She has been around my DC since they were a baby so she definitely knows the challenges. DC is almost 7 so to be told that all children that age smear and bite just felt really dismissive because it's obviously not the case.

Ah right. So she does just sound like she lacks empathy then. You could try speaking to her about it. “You know I find it upsetting when people minimise the difficulties my family face as a result of DCs needs”. To be honest though you might need to just accept that she just isn’t the right person to try to seek emotional support from. Some people just can’t provide that because it’s not who they are. Sounds like she might be someone like the who is only able to focus on her own needs.

She talks about challenges in her life but I can't talk about mine. It just feels very one sided.

Of course you can talk about your challenges but she’s likely not going to understand that your challenges with your child go beyond “all children do that”, because it’s hard to imagine how extreme behaviours can be if you’ve not experienced it.

I do get that which I why I tend to not bring this up, but it feels like when I do she's annoyed or frustrated at me.

She talks about challenges in her life but I can't talk about mine. It just feels very one sided.

Time to pull back, this friendship isn't benefiting you at all, quite the opposite.

She works in nursery and has told me she has worked with children with SEN so I just have a feeling that she just doesn't want to talk about it.

As pp said, it's time to withdraw then.

You can't change her and it's a waste of time and energy to try.

You either accept who she is (not very good/interested in emotional support) or you move on. There's no point going over and over it.

Time to pull back, this friendship isn't benefitting you at all, quite the opposite

I think you're right

@NameChange456789 right if she works with SEN she probably has lots of conversations with parents of SEN as part of her job. It's not fair on you, but she is probably avoiding the convo with you as it feels like she's back in work again.
I find that I have friends for different purposes, some to laugh and be silly with, some serious and some for shopping buddies etc etc... You probably need to find out what her purpose is (goes both ways, like what she feels you're good for as a friend) and then put your worries on other friends maybe other SEN parents.
Also a bit of her own medicine as conditioning may help, if she's won't verbally empathise with you, do what she does to you until she stops sharing and the friendship changes to different conversation over time xx