New baby and divorce

[Justkeepswimming91]

First time parents and our baby is 12 weeks old.

We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).

I am devastated that he's said this.

The main crux of our argument seems to be around free time. I am on maternity leave and therefore take care of babba all week (I do all night shifts 7 days a week) although I do admit I do go out and walk the dog most afternoons with babba. My view is that childcare should be more 50/50 at the weekend and we should both get free time then. This is not DHs view. He says he never gets to do what he wants and I get to go out in the afternoon during the week. On this basis he should have lots of free time to do what he wants at the weekend snd I should still be primarily responsible for the baby then.

I genuinely had nor seen it this way and wondered what others did.

He’s absolutely wrong and a selfish arsehole.
He wants a clean break FROM HIS BABY?! He’s father of the year isn’t he!
Your dog walking daily isn’t leisure time - it’s another job that has to be done, you just happen to enjoy it.
Does he not want to spend time as a family at the weekends?

FWIW, I split with my ex when DS was 6 months. Different reasons, but my god was life easier when I only had one child to pander to.
Good luck!

He's being an arse. With older babies and toddlers who are good nappers - maybe a bit. With a young baby no.

Early days with a new baby can be stressful even for good relationships and sometimes it's worth counselling to save a good thing. It's also possible for fathers to experience depression after a new baby, in case this is an expression of that. However my then DH struggled with parenting first time around (but still wasn't as selfish as your DH is being) and never really got better. Took me 2 more DCs to work it out, mind. Don't be me.

You are not wrong. Never getting a break from your parenting responsibilities is exhausting and basically means you are working 24/7 and he is deluded if he thinks a dog walk with a pram is a break.

However, it is very early days and having a baby is a huge adjustment. My DH and I said things we didn't mean and got into a lot of rowing when our first DC was a newborn.

Btw - if you taking the dog for a walk with the baby in the buggy is such a break... Then surely he is getting his 'own time' if he does exactly the same?

I think your DH is massively having you on if he thinks maternity leave is free time. How does he think he gets no time to himself if he doesn't actually do anything with baby which is what it sounds like! I have a 9 month old and we have always done 50/50 with the nights and then if one of us wants baby free time we just accommodate that for one another. I won't lie and say we've never argued about it but we've worked it out. I think it's pretty common for arguments to happen when you have a young baby, it's a really tough time and period of adjustment. Could you try talking to him about that?

Your view is the right view. It’s difficult adjusting to the lack of free time as first-time parents, but you both need to pitch in equally. Your H sounds pretty self-centred and a divorce would probably be the best option - I’d struggle to get back from that really, even if it was said in the heat of the moment and he doesn’t really want that.

12 weeks into parenthood after months of lockdown is pretty tough, though. It improves a lot for most families after the newborn stage. We argued and sniped at each other a lot as well, but managed to resolve everything.

If it were me, I’d tell him to fuck off and have a think for a while, and either shape up or ship out for good. And if he decided that his family is worth more than weekends to do what he wants, I’d expect a lot of making up for it by doing some decent shifts and giving you a break.

Tell him that he can walk the dog if he’s that bothered by you doing it!

So sorry you’re going through this. What an awful thing for your DH to say...

We did pretty much 50/50 at weekends from the start though that meant doing it together rather than taking turns. I always did nights due to BF. He went to the gym or football at the weekends and would have been happy to return the favour for me but I found it difficult to leave our baby as DC was a crier and I had PND. So I guess if you take into account nights and his hobbies it was more like 70/30.

Sounds like an ok set up, but it was such an awful time. We argued horribly and struggled to adjust to the loss of our independence for the first 6 months. It’s really hard looking after a baby. We didn’t find it fun and we were constantly competing over how tired we were.

It got easier. We’re now very happy and well slept parents to a toddler and we both spend as much time as we can with DC.

However your DP doesn’t seem to acknowledge that his life should change in any way at all. If he’s not going to accept any responsibility for the baby now, I don’t see how he will ever pull his weight in the future. For one thing, he won’t be as competent looking after the baby as you and might use that in his head as an excuse not to.

When you go back to work, will he suddenly accept that it’s not fair not to help? Doubtful.

Someone who throws around the word divorce is not someone you’re going to have a secure and happy relationship with anyway. Do you have support? Family nearby? Did you work before getting pregnant?

Get yourself as ready as you can to be a single parent. You never know - he might change his ways (when you leave) but if you stay and put up with it he never will - he’s had his cake and eaten it.

Well, the short answer is that he's wrong as you both have responsibility for the new person you've brought into the world.

12 weeks is still super tiny and you're probably both still shell shocked and struggling with the impact on your lives. For men this can be harder because they can kind of ignore the coming storm through pregnancy in a way a woman can't.

He might turn out to be a dick or he might just need some time to work things through. I would be finding one thing you can each do alone at the weekend that you'll enjoy (even if it's just going out for coffee). One achievable thing. Each.

I'd also be getting him to talk to other fathers you know about their experience and what it's reasonable to expect. At three months your husband will be playing a supporting role and getting very little back from the baby. It requires selflessness and can be a shock to the system. As the baby starts to smile and respond more, taking care of them is more fulfilling and your DH might find it more rewarding. (Rewarding or not, he needs to step up in the meantime.)

Men are socialised to think they need to look tough and to be in a situation where there not in control, are not the focus of attention, and find everything hard can be really challenging. Rather than show that vulnerability, some might seem cold or even walk away. This is just the start of a journey that will require a lot of hard works and emotional growth.

In my experience, once you're through the first year a baby is toddling about and can run around, go to the park etc and struggling dads find more of a role.

I think it would be massively throwing the baby out with the bathwater to talk about divorce now. See if you can get him to open up about what he's experiencing. Let's hope he turns out to be struggling and feeling helpless rather than quitting at the first hurdle.

Ha ha, wrote that in paragraphs but it's come out as a bit blob of an essay!

Also, he should take some leave to see what a typical week is like for you. You can't really go where you like, when you like with a baby! Especially once they're awake for longer, up to three months they sleep all the time!

@Justkeepswimming91 you have my sympathy. You're OH sounds so selfish. I can't believe he wants a break from his own baby. My partner pitches in more than 50% when he isn't working.

I think your partner needs a wake up call. I hope he steps up but otherwise you might be better off without him. Both you and baby deserve more. Maybe try talking about what his expectations of parenthood were, and whether he can adjust these?

@OverTheRubicon

Btw - if you taking the dog for a walk with the baby in the buggy is such a break... Then surely he is getting his 'own time' if he does exactly the same?

A good point! He can do this every weekend afternoon to get more free time.

Generally I don’t think it’s a good idea to split after a new baby as your in survival mode and relationships do suffer but my goodness he is being a dick. Ask him if he will consider couple counselling and I would be making it clear to him if he walks away now there is no coming back.

There has been many threads on Mumsnet recently where partners behaviour have left me gobsmacked. Leaving aside the incredibly hurtful comment about wanting a clean break, walking the dog is not ‘you’ time!!!

My husband has a stressful job 8-16:30 Mon-Fri. He gets DS up and dressed in the morning, he looks after him while I make breakfast, he will often do the washing up or load the washing machine before leaving. On getting home from work he’ll either play with DS or cook dinner. Does bedtime 50% of nights. When DS is in bed we tag team getting the washing out/washing up/resettling DS if required. It’s identical at weekends. I think my husband knows how hard a small baby is as he was WFH for the first 4 months of DS’ life.

Could you face giving him the benefit of the doubt? I agree with previous post - the first few months of a first baby are so acute and intense, divorcing may not fairly reflect where your relationship is. It might be that he needs to seek some help for his mental health and coping with the massive adjustment a newborn beings. I agree with a PP above - he should take some leave and experience it for himself. He might literally just not realise how hard the early weeks are. If he feels the same afterwards, well, you would need to think hard about where your marriage is going.

Good luck OP, I really feel for you. Newborns are so tough, let alone with an unsupportive partner x

This is why split parental leave needs to become more commonplace. I guarantee you he'd be singing a different tune if he had 6 months at home with the baby. Divorce with a kid so young is always a massive shame, but if he can't empathise with you it's not a good sign. Can't his mother have a word? Does he have any non-dickhead mates that can talk some sense into him? He will heartily regret this decision

@TheBitchOfTheVicar

You are not wrong. Never getting a break from your parenting responsibilities is exhausting and basically means you are working 24/7 and he is deluded if he thinks a dog walk with a pram is a break.

However, it is very early days and having a baby is a huge adjustment. My DH and I said things we didn't mean and got into a lot of rowing when our first DC was a newborn.

I also agree with this. My wife and I said some horrible things to each other early on due to tiredness and stress. But all is good now