Fourth baby? I’m not young...

[MakingLifeBetter]

My third baby - a beautiful surprise - arrived after a stressful pregnancy and c section last month. When I was pregnant, I was adamant that this is it, I wouldn’t have any more because of my age (39) and the complications.

But now I feel sad somehow that this is my last. I’m aware that there’s some postnatal depression going on, for which I’m seeking help (I should be focusing on my baby right now not thinking about the future), but could I actually be wanting a fourth and is this completely mad and horribly greedy? Our house is big enough, but we are not wealthy and I would be minimum 41, possibly 42 - if I could even carry to term at that age, who knows...

I know of very few families with four children!

I realise abroad holidays would be a pain (impossible) but tbh we are happy to do self catering stays, and do hotel stays the two of us (DH and I) plus baby on v special occasions.

My sister’s accidental fourth pregnancy was twins.......... much more common when you are older.

I was broody as hell immediately after my 3rd. Yeah that didn't last. I'm sure it's hormone related! Why not give it 6months to a year a revisit the thought? Put it out of your mind for now and focus on the family you do have, and your baby. There's no rush to decide immediately right now this second, despite your concerns about your age. I had two in quick succession and I really think isn't good for your body.

I would just focus on your newborn and enjoy the time, not waste mental energy thinking about potential future babies.
I would think 4 when you aren't wealthy and are older is stretching yourselves thinly. I have 3 and find it a struggle to make sure I do all of the reading, homework and extra curriculars with each one as well as them having quality time with us separately with parents. There's no way I would feel I was doing it properly with an extra one too. I would also worry about having a child with additional needs or my health being affected by another pregnancy or birth which would also affect the rest of the family.

Thanks so much. You’re right, no rush. Have to wait a year after a section anyway.
Good to know that you were so broody immediately after your third - and that it passed!

Hi OP. I couldn't resist answering! I am 44 and gave birth to my 4th a few months ago (unplanned, we had always planned 3!). We are not wealthy either and neither is our current house very large. Yet, despite all this, it is still wonderful. I agree with PP that hormones play a large part in the broodiness. I would just enjoy your new baby for now and see how it goes. You may change your mind as hormones start to settle down. Or maybe not, but that door doesn't need to be closed! Just play it by ear. Make the most of now and knowing that nothing needs to be ruled out.

Some people do want 4 so it could be that - but I think a period of mourning when you know having babies is over is normal for many (similarly some people get an intense longing in their mid 40s for just one more, knowing that it is about to become completely impossible).

I would assume for safety that you are experiencing something like this. Give yourself time to get over the PND, turn your attention to all the things that will start to be possible as your kids get older / the financial benefits of holding at 3 / and the benefits to your kids as your time and resources less stretched... after all that if you still want 4 it’s probably for real.

Somethingsnappy thank you and congratulations . Please can I DM you?

I had number 4 a year ago at age 41 (unplanned). I absolutely love him to bits and I wouldn't send him back now he's here, but if it had been an absolute choice then I would say stick at 3. You'll always wonder, but better to be wondering about number 4 from a place of stability than feeling overwhelmed by having 4 and not being able to turn back time.

A possible exception to this is wide age gaps. My four are all ten and under; if I had two teens and a baby then I might consider number four as I find siblings easier to raise than I think a singleton would be.

It will be your hormones!!!

We have 4DC it's a lots of expense and work when they are teens and even older if they go to uni etc.

Yes after my second was born in the hour after birth, we lay there together planning a third - there’s something mental and hormonal that happens!! You may well want to in a year but give yourself time on that.

Like somethingsnappy we also had an unexpected 4th. She's 4.5 months old now and wonderful. I had her 2 weeks before my 44th birthday.

I agree with PP who said to enjoy your wonderful baby and see how you feel in a few months.

I felt a lot of sadness after my third, but that faded and I wouldn't do it now (although I do still feel sad/broody sometimes it doesn't go 100% I do know that I am done now) I think it's normal to feel sad at the end of a life stage and when you're not going to go through pregnancy and the newborn/baby stage again. Only you can know whether it is about grieving the end of that life stage or whether you want another baby. Give it a little bit of time and see if the feeling changes or shifts and you get some clarity. Hormones can be incredibly powerful, too. So the effect of them is not to be underestimated!

RandomMmiles, I agree with you. i had my fourth a few weeks before my 40th. We had four under 8. It is a lot of hard work and a lot of expense. I do find it easier now my eldest is 18 and youngest 11 but the first 6 years or so of having four was incredibly hard.

I do worry about not being able to help them financially when they are all older.

I have found the teen years harder tbh!!

The hormones the exams, school pressure, endless taxi duties.

One month post baby is no time to be making a decision like this give it a while for your hormones to settle and for you to get to grips with what life is like with three before contemplating any more.

@HappyAsASandboy

I had number 4 a year ago at age 41 (unplanned). I absolutely love him to bits and I wouldn't send him back now he's here, but if it had been an absolute choice then I would say stick at 3. You'll always wonder, but better to be wondering about number 4 from a place of stability than feeling overwhelmed by having 4 and not being able to turn back time.

A possible exception to this is wide age gaps. My four are all ten and under; if I had two teens and a baby then I might consider number four as I find siblings easier to raise than I think a singleton would be.

@HappyAsASandboy there’s two years between our first two and ideally would be two years between Dc3 and 4. Would that make things easier iyo?

But good advice here- will wait for six months before I give it much more thought. Just nice to know that the door may not yet be closed

I would give it 6 months to a year and see how you feel then. If you still feel a strong need for another and think you can cope then go for it.

I'm currently pregnant with baby number 6 at 37. We haven't had a holiday for years, we do lots of day trips instead (usually max 2hr car journeys). Our 4th and 5th were unplanned twins (failed copper coil) but this one was planned. Hubby is military so we're quite restricted when it comes to planning anyway, day trips are easier to move around if things change with the job. I love having a big family, can be a juggling act on my own with not much support but we do okay.

@MakingLifeBetter

Somethingsnappy thank you and congratulations . Please can I DM you?

Yes, of course! Although I don't think I've done that before.. Will it be obvious enough for me to find it?

Curious...did you do it?!