Do not know what to do?!

[shemesheli]

My child is 4.4 yrs he has become very difficult;
Opposes most things, becomes more emotional, finds it hard to control his emotions, started hitting me if I say no and overall more demanding.

I notice when he’s overtired he becomes hyperactive ...

He is waking at 5-6 am every morning & demanding ..... even if in a cute way it’s constant, no respite.

I’m setting boundaries and not giving into needs but feel utterly wiped out by all.

This morning I’ve had to be firm and explain that if he wants to stay up earlier he needs to be able to have some playtime in his room with his toys. Otherwise it’s mayhem if jumping on bed and demanding my time.

Part of me realises this is a phase yet wondering if I am not doing something right!?!

I use consequences, a thinking Soave, I set firm boundaries that are consistent.

He just has a mechanism that literally ignores.....

Exhausted.

Note he was not like this before. Also does very sneaky things; snatching stuff and calculating how to be more mischievous .... I have a light parenting approach yet don’t think I can accept a child that just misbehaves for the sake of it.

He has a stable, loving and outdoors life just seems to be testing on every level

What do you mean about not giving into his needs? Do you mean wants? There is nothing cute about about a 4 year old who hits. What’s a thinking soave? A typo for thinking chair? Am not a big fan, I much prefer sitting in followed by a chat. I also use a mixture of natural consequences eg if you don’t tidy your room then you can’t keep toys in here and if necessary the removal of Tv time for the day (deliberately hurting DD2).

Is he at school or nursery? Have they noticed a difference or are there are big changes happening? Have you ruled out physical issues - over tired, not enough exercise, too much TV (we’ve fallen into this trap over lockdown), worms, constipation (very common at this age) or just not eating or drinking regularly. Some times it’s more than one of the above and add in them being overwhelmed by their emotions it’s hard for them. 4 is a difficult age. My daughter has just turned 5 and she was a crying mess after school last week and she didn’t know, I sent her to have a wee and gave her a bid drink and a snack and she was fine.

Just read your second message. I would call myself a gentle parent but I really believe children need strong boundaries to know where they stand. Visual time tables and telling him what behaviour you want to see before you do something is really help and then when he knows what is expected ask him to tell you eg Jack it’s bath time now. What do we do at bath time? No splashing, put toys back in the bag and get out when asked.

By that age I started explaining to my children what happened if I got overtired. I'd say: If I don't get enough sleep I am shouty mummy. I hate being shouty mummy and you don't like it either. If you wake me up too early I will be very grumpy.

Then we laid out toys in advance for next day and they would go and play with them for a bit (not long!) to give me a chance to wake up. That r they could come and snuggle quietly in bed with us.

WRT oppositional behaviour, I found agreeing with their emotions but not giving in to their demands with zero emotional reaction worked a dream. Eg:
DS: Don't wanna go school!
Me; You don't do you?
DS: NO!
Me:What would you rather do?
DS: Play with you
Me: Wouldn't that be lovely. I would love to play with you all day too. We'd love that wouldn't we?
DS: Yes
Me: I'm a bit sad that I have to do boring things like laundry and work instead of playing with you all day. But when you get back from school what shall we play?
DS: Cars.
Me: Brilliant solution. Let's go to school and work and tonight we can play with your cars.
DS: OK.

I was amazed it worked so well, but it does. The book Positive Parenting by Jane Nelson has loads of advice on how to bypass oppositional behaviour like this.

People think this stuff is tedious and fake but it's SO much less tedious than power struggles and temper tantrums. And in time, it reduces the number of times it happens. Worth a go.

Yes sorry for confusion, wrote very early and accumulated tiredness / typos;

Thinking chair - Can he any chair / place where he sits and we chat about what just happened. I don’t agree with the naughty step concept.

Needs - Should have been demands / wants;
It’s controlling behaviour where he requests whatever he can’t have or rejects options.

** I’ve started being firm that there’s only two options for breakfast .... for example.

Hitting; He grew out of the hitting stage yet since 4 he is becoming more frustrated by stuff, seems to hit as a reaction and pulls back knowing it’s wrong but it’s happening more often than should. Started having a threatening face when I say no to things..... Wonderinf if all learned behaviour from nursery setting / kids as never did this before.

Nursery; I had to take him out two weeks ago as seemed stuff going on there :-((( He told me there is an angry teacher (long story). He will start a new setting soon.

This behaviour actually started two months ago.

Maybe to ensure I am more consistent with setting boundaries and to keep up with appropriate explanations.

Need a break LOL

Thanks for the tips! Reinforcement before a task or doing something is a good idea, more consistency needed.

Sounds like the behaviour might have been triggered by whatever happened at nursery plus being removed from there. Kids can express their stress in weird ways that don't seem connected to the instigation of the stress. Maybe once he is in his new nursery and in a routine the behaviour will get better on its own.