I just need to vent or to talk to someone

[blvdbrokendreams]

This is going to be long and I dont want to.drip feed.

My dd is 9 months. Shes a very wanted baby and we waited a while for her.
We've been in the hospital the last 2 days..shes been very irritable, high pitched cry, high temperature, sickness and diarrhoea. Add on to that a cold and we've walked away with a viral infection of some type. We have had a covid test. It was negative.
Is there anything else I can be doing for her? She's just.spent the last 2 hours sobbing in my arms and now collapsed in a snotty heap of exhaustion.

The second issue is I don't love her. I care for her and I would never never hurt her. But I dont feel that love. I expected the rush of love when she was born and it never came and I've I've waiting and waiting. I feel awful typing this. I feel like im babysitting her. I feel like im just watching her for someone else. I walk past her room like oh yeah I have a baby. I'm under the perinatal mental health team and am on anti anxiety.meds.

The third issue is how do I get her into her room? We've never managed it. She sobs and sobs and we end up bringing her into ours.

I know there's a lot to unpack here but any questions please ask..im in tears typing this. I feel like a shit mum. I feel like im useless and I feel like I dont know what to do.

You are not a bad mum. You would not have taken her to hospital if you were a bad mum. You spotted something was wrong and have taken her to get help.

The same goes for you. You know something isn't right and you are seeking help. The very fact you are doing that shows you want the best for your DD.

Not everyone gets the instant rush of love, it can be a slow burn. My little one is 3mo and some days can be an absolute nightmare but other days can be great. I think as our little ones get older they will become more rewarding and you see the dividends of your hard work.

Sending love to you and your little one, hope you get home soon. It sounds like you've had a tough few days and you are probably exhausted.

There may never be a "rush of love", but rest assured, you DO love her, and that love will grow slowly and steadily as she becomes a little person. I don't remember ever having a rush of love with my first much longer for child, and I felt awful about it. But she and I have managed to rub along together for 23 years now, and I know that I would give my life to save hers.

You are not a dreadful mother.

Hi OP, you have so much on your plate. I’ll try help a little and they are only suggestions.
Illness situation. Ice lollies! It’s cold, hydrating, novelty, distraction, sugar, but that won’t do harm. Get different types and avoid citrus flavours.
Depression of any type warps your thinking. It makes you a different person to who you are. You are seeking help. Be easy on yourself and if it’s getting harder, just say it’s getting harder. No shame in that whatsoever.

Put a mattress next to her bed in her room (if you can). Sleep next to her and day by day retreat.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

• I meant to say depression/anxiety.

Thank you for these suggestions. I've got some ice lollies in the freezer and I'll give her one. It's such a weird feeling. I care for her and she's well looked after but I feel like im babysitting. My husband is so natural with her and I feel like im playing the part of mummy.
I'm definitely going to put the matteess in her room and see if that works

In terms of her crying, I was told by a nurse that really ill children don’t have the energy to cry. I’ve taken mine to hospital a couple of times when inconsolable and they re assured me she was just under the weather and nothing sinister.

Not feeling a connection with her is most likely post natal depression. Also I think the over hype about the ‘rush of love’ makes people who don’t feel the ‘rush’ question their perfectly normal reaction to a having a child.

Getting her into her own room is tricky. Some children just don’t take to it. She may also want more closeness to you.

Parenting is relentless. Going back to work really helped me.

No problem, hope it helps a little.

You are a good mum- you’ve posted on here to seek advice to make her more comfortable. You are a good mum.

You're doing everything you can don't blame yourself for this. To do with her room maybe sleep with her a night or two and she would feel safer? I used to do this when my bab had nightmares and wanted to be in our bed but my husband would have to be up early.

A thought that always used to help me...love is an action. So even if you do not feel the rush of love or a fierce feeling of love, what you are doing every day for her, taking her to hospital, asking for advice, caring for her, being her mum... that is love .

That detachment you are experiencing can be a big flag for depression.

Took me 11 months to bond with my first born. He's 9 now and I adore him. Even when he's being a wee shit I love him to bits. It'll happen. You're seeing help and doing all the right things. It'll grow. Trust yourself x

That detachment you are experiencing can be a big flag for depression

This was my first thought too. In caring for others we sometimes don’t have the headspace or energy for ourselves. Perhaps make an appointment to chat things over with the GP.

I was on sertraline when things in my life came to a point and they kicked in within three days. By week 2 I had ‘me’ back again and felt able to come off them after a year and have felt fine since. Antidepressants really might help you x