Minimal Family Support

[Jary6]

Hello,

So I have an 18 month beautiful little girl who from what I have heard has been a great baby and is now developing into a strong toddler.

She was born in October 2019 so just before COVID hit and honestly by the time I'd realised the lack of sleep I had had we were in lockdown.

I do have family that live within the hour of me and I had this image when I was pregnant that I wouldn't be able to get rid of the family help (based on what I'd read). However quite the opposite has happened, they are all busy with their own lives and with lockdown lifting there is a lot of opportunity for them to now get involved and yet nothing.

As a child I was at my grandparents house every weekend however my family see my daughter every couple of weeks. And even then it's not to look after her and give me a break, it's just as a swift visit.

It makes me feel like I've been through the whole baby phase alone (with my husband although he works all week).

Is it normal to expect so much family help and then it just not happen? I hear of other people close to me who always rely on their parents for childcare and support but that just doesn't seem to be there for me.

I completely understand where you’re coming from. We have a similar situation in that one set of family live 45 mins away (other set live 3 hours away).

They would help out in an emergency but apart from that we see them maybe once every 1-2 months.

It’s hard. I thought it would get easier but it hasn’t. Like you I’m amazed when friends say they are popping to the shops/town/for drinks and have a wealth of people to choose to babysit. We perhaps get child free time one night every 5-6 months (pre covid).

The only thing I can suggest is try and befriend other parents and go on days out together that way your DCs will have someone to play with and you’ll get a bit of a break.

I truly sympathise

I understand to, your not alone. I have a 7mo, and I’m a single mum. When I fell pregnant my family and friends where so excited, and reassuring that they would help out. Especially as I had to return to WFH after 6 weeks.

My parents are great financial support, and have helped me purchase bits for my DD. But never really help me practically (babysit) unless an Emergancy, collecting a prescription etc. But I understand that they are working. My sisters, close family and friends are the same. One friend did look after DD for a few hours each week, but this stopped.

Other friends with babies seem to have a close bond with their parents / siblings, and they are round each other’s houses helping out. Or get a break, even if it’s just an hour.

We go out and meet people a lot for walks, play dates, coffee. Which is really nice. So would suggest meeting up with people if you can. But it’s not a break. I would love to eat a meal without rushing, a nap to catch up on sleep (DD isn’t a great sleeper), a nail / hair appointment where I’m not trying to entertain a baby with one hand, a shopping trip where I can browse the homeware / clothes section, a coffee that doesn’t go cold, or a long hot shower.

What would they do if you specifically asked for the help?

I know exactly how you feel OP. DH's parents live with us and I can't explain how disappointed I was with their lack of interest. My MIL didn't even pick my son up until he was 7 weeks old, FIL has no interest in anyone but himself and I wouldn't trust him with my son but I thought he would at least pretend to show an interest but nothing. It's made things really tough for DH and I, in laws are old so I find myself having to tidy up after them as well as after after a 6 month old.

My parents are besotted with my LO but live 100 miles away so can't really babysit for an hour or two. They help out a lot of I go to visit them so I cant complain on that front. I am bitterly disappointed in my in laws though, its really made me lose any respect for them. Even DH's brothers are not bothered and it irks me as we've always made so much effort with their kids, it makes me not want to bother with them at all but I will for my LO's sake as I would like him to have a relationship with his cousins. May just be a pipedream on my part though.

I’ve found this has also had an impact on my relationship with OH as we can only have time as a couple maybe a handful of times a year. He has completely different friends and a life to mine as we can never go to any events etc together

My parents are local but can't look after children - in fact I help care for my mum. My in-laws are too far away.

Once my daughter slept better my husband and I got evenings at home alone. We sometimes take a day off together when my daughter is in childcare and can go out just the two of us. Once my sister looked after her for the day and she slept over at her child minder's house once so we could go to a party and once when her sister was born a couple of weeks ago.

Day to day it works so far but I feel restricted in my career as I can't have a long commute or work shifts as we rely on childcare that opens at 8am. I do feel a bit jealous of my friends who have family support but I don't dwell on it. I have other friends who's parents have died or are ill.

My sister is moving closer to her in-laws for more help.

I come from families that appeared to be very close-knit/over involved in everyone else's lives. Grandparents, Great Aunts/Uncles, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Second cousins etc. They all seem very willing to help each other out but we live far away and are not close. I wish my immediate family were the same.

My parents moved away for their independence and to reduce the interference. My parents and siblings seem to resent helping each other out although all seem to have expectations of my help as the eldest daughter.

I was worried about my parents wanting to be over involved when I had my daughter. They are not child-friendly and have some strange ideas about parenting. I thought I'd need to fend them off as they were very excited to be first-time grandparents. I'm very disappointed at how uninvolved and uninterested they've been. They seem better and show more interest with my younger sister's children which hurts.

I have former friends who expect everyone else to parent their children - very much like Denise from the Royle Family. I got annoyed hearing their complaints about people not stepping up to help them out and reading passive-aggressive posts on facebook. I feel that people should anticipate that they will be the ones looking after their own children and any extra help is a bonus and not a certainty. They get much more help than I ever did.

An acquaintance who is not close to her mother, constantly tries to foist last minute child care onto her mum even though she still works full time and loves her job. Last I heard she was trying to persuade her mother to retire early and 'spend more time with her grandchildren'/provide free child care. Her mother told her to stop breeding if she wasn't prepared to look after her children herself. She gets on best with her step mother and father yet never expects them to help her out.

I sympathise. My family were all busy with their own lives, work full time, have sports commitments with their dc at the weekends, and my parents were no longer with us so I had no family support either. I think that's just part of modern society.
My ex spent weekdays 7-7 at work, Friday night with the boys in the pub and Saturdays playing sport so I was very alone too.
It was a tough 2 years. Ex wouldn't flex so relationship failed and in the end DS and I left.
The sad thing was that life as a single, working mum was actually easier and ds didn't notice his df wasn't there.

Make sure your dh understands how unsupported you feel.

We've never had any family help and I've never known any different. MIL sees our dc a few times a year and my mum used to be the same (we are now NC for unrelated reasons - she would still want to see them, but it's no longer safe). I can count on less than one hand the number of times MIL has stayed with ours for a couple hours so we could have dinner. I don't think it's unreasonable to want it, but I don't know that it's typically the norm these days.

That said, it's been a really weird year. People have hardly seen any family. And up until about 2-3 years, there isn't much that grandparents can 'do' really as children aren't really independent enough to spend much time alone with them unless you have super able grandparents who are used to babies and toddlers. I would expect it would get easier as they get a bit older.

You should never expect family to take your children off your hands for a break. You must remember that your parents have done their bit raising children and it's nice for them to have their lives back, especially if they are still working. It is lovely if they do offer help and I'm sure most will help out if you need them too occasionally.

I'm a forces wife so alone a lot, sahm to 5 kids and another on the way. Yes it can be tough and lonely but I rarely ask family for help and that tends to be because I need to go to an appointment where I can't take the kids (I try to sort things for in school hours). My parents did look after our eldest when I worked which was extremely helpful but these days they look buggered after a few hours alone with the brood lol. They both still work full time and I think they need to enjoy their freedom now. Dh's parents have never looked after any of our children. We don't see much of his dad (he wasn't a great dad tho), his mum & step dad we see more often now but we have had some falling out there where there have been huge gaps (talking years). Our kids don't call them nanna or grandad as a result of their lack of involvement, if that hurts them they only have themselves to blame.