Taking anger out on 2 year old

[thisdoesntfeellikeme]

My DS is nearly 2 and his screaming is becoming a real trigger to my anger. I am so ashamed of who I am becoming. I have always been gentle and we have always had a lovely close relationship cosleeping and snuggling and giggling at every opportunity but now something has changed and I am finding myself screaming at him. This morning as an example he was throwing raisins on the floor and I said no but he didn't listen and then he just continued looking at me while throwing more and more. My no's got louder and louder until I was screaming back at him no and then I am so ashamed to say I actually hit his hand. Its not the first time either. Once he wouldn't stop pulling apart from dressing down to try and touch my nipples and I was so touched out I hit his hand away then too. This morning was such a simple thing - I'm fully aware children throw food and I don't know why I am getting so angry over such a little thing. I have slammed the door when he was in his cot before out of anger too. He does have quite long tantrums maybe 20 mins when he doesn't get something his own way or if I have to take something away from him and the loudness of his constant screaming feels flike nails down a chalk board. I just hate myself for not being calm and patient and don't understand why my little one is triggering this sudden anger in me. Please help?

Hi OP, I'm not much use but I will say I find it hard when my boy screams/tantrums too. What I try and think is natural consequences - so for instance I would probably have taken the raisins away if he was just throwing them. I also have the touched out thing with my son (was is it with nipples?!) so I now remove myself or remove him from my lap after a couple of warnings.

Also don't be afraid to step out the room and take two minutes to compose yourself. Much better for both of you. I find it easier to ignore him but remain close when he is ready to talk rather than battling because it just ends up miserable for us both. As long as he is safe, let him tantrum. Then be there for him when he has calmed down to discuss what has happened. My son may be a bit older than yours (2 years 9 months) but I am finding now I am say "shall we have a talk" either just before or after (if I'm too late or he is too worked up) and we can discuss how he is feeling and why he is upset. Slowly but surely we are getting there.

I'm sure someone with more experience will be along soon x

Sorry that should say "what is it with nipples?!"

That sounds really difficult. I wonder if you are struggling generally? I felt absolute rage towards my baby ds which was awful, I don’t even know why but I think it was PND .

You need to stop screaming at him and hitting him. That’s abusive. If you were a mother posting about her child’s father doing this you would be told to kick him out and protect your child from the abuser.
Are you on your own?

And tantrums are completely normal age appropriate behaviour at 2.

You need to think in advance what you can do. So immediately with the raising thing I thought "I'd have taken then away" because of course he's going to keep throwing them!
My boy intentionally spills his juice cup. I give one chance and if he does it again, the juice is removed.
Another too could be to just stop, count to 10 in your head before having any reaction.
Please try to stop the hitting, what so you think that's going to teach him?
It is so hard sometimes and they do test us!
What support have you got? Does he go to nursery? Might be an idea just to give you a break and him to experience new things.

I think toddlers trigger our own toddler feelings and it can end up being two toddlers out of control. We've all been there OP.

You've got insight into it now and you can perhaps think of ways to keep your "adult" self in charge.

It is a matter of practice - is a skill you have to develop, the ability to remain reflective in a very high affect situation faced with a toddler who is being provocative and putting all their very intense feelings into you for management!

Next time it happens try to consciously think about what is happening - the small details. Maybe talk to yourself in your head.

"Gosh Freddie is being very difficult to day. I'm finding him exhausting. What on Earth has got into him. He seems to just want a fight. I feel overwhelmed! How long to bedtime!"

If you can do that you'll stay reflective and won't get drawn in to acting out his feelings with him.

Don't feel bad you don't always manage to do this yet - it's a skill you have to learn like any other.

Make a rule in your mind that you won't smack him again though.

@nimbuscloud

You need to stop screaming at him and hitting him. That’s abusive. If you were a mother posting about her child’s father doing this you would be told to kick him out and protect your child from the abuser. Are you on your own?

Yeah that's not helpful. The OP KNOWS it's not ok. That's why she posted.

Most people have acted out in ways they regret. I think the important thing is to apologise, and acknowledge that how you reacted was wrong to your child. When I feel myself getting to that level with my daughter, when I feel like i might shout, I pull her in for a hug. It usually dampens all of the energy in the room, and then we talk about what it is that I want from her and why.

OP, do you struggle with unexpected loud noises? Find scratchy fabrics and labels irritating? Get headaches from certain perfumes? You may be severely sensitive. Screaming toddlers can trigger your fight, flight or freeze response. If this is the case, research how to manage sensory sensitivity. It is a much under acknowledged root of panic, anxiety and anger.

Also pick your battles. You can't fight every battle with a toddler, you'll both be strung out.

Think ahead - what are the red lines and what will you flex on.

Give him choices where both choices are acceptable to you.

It's struck me how much thinking ahead you has to do with a toddler. I remember now always anticipating battles and what I might do.

"If she screams about leaving the park I will let her have 15 mins more. I'm not in a hurry. If she continues to scream I'll suggest tv and that she can choose whether programme x or y. And that we will have a biscuit and she can choose if Oreo or kitkat."

Bribery plus red lines basically.

You ds isn't even 2 yet !

You are expecting way too much from him to understand when told to stop throwing raisins and why mum is being horrible to him. He is still at the stage where you should be distracting and removing the problem.

I agree with @nimbuscloud, if you can't control this you need to tell someone and seek help.

This stage is hard. You're tired and pushed to the edge, sometimes you snap and shout. This is a really difficult age at times.

Also you're only 2 years into parenting (if this is your first). Every day is a learning day as a parent and you will get better strategies and coping mechanisms.

If you want to read any books there are a few that give some good advice - how to talk so little kids will listen can be useful for some ideas and to remind you that lots of parents find this hard and come across the same issues.

I struggle with anger and my temper at times with my young children. Some of my coping techniques:

Ignore what you can. If it doesn't matter in the big picture, just leave it be. Give them a row for the big things (physical stuff etc)

Walk away if you can and try to calm down before addressing it.

Use an overly happy or friendly tone and make a game of things. 'Oh deary me, there's raisins everywhere! Right let's see how quickly we can get them all picked up and count them. GO!'

Try not to let other things influence how you speak to the kids. I'm dreadful for this. If I'm pissed off at DH, running late, worried about work or the world or whatever, it comes out as snapping at the kids over something trivial. Im trying to recognise this and deal with it.

That's just off the top of my head. There are lots of ways to manage small children effectively but in the heat of the moment it can be really hard.

Your child isn't even 2 yet - he isn't emotionally mature enough to control his tantrums, but you are. If you are getting This angry and hitting him, you really must ask your gp for support to help you.

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I completely accept this is not acceptable and I want to deal with it and be a better mummy. I think you are completely right that I need a plan in advance. I am rubbish with any kind of discipline. My DH will put him in the corner when he is uncontrollably screaming but I really hate it so I never do so I suppose the poor boy is having inconsistently there too. I was actually previously on antidepressants but came off them a few months ago. I was only taking them every few days and was feeling fine so thought it was okay to come off now.... i really don't want this shouty version of me to be the actual me and to think I can only be calm if I'm medicated. I really want to learn to be better without going back on them. The sensory thing is a really interesting point though as I find especially with noise if there is an electronic toy on, and the tv, and the kids are talking in one ear I just can't cope with too many different noises and have to turn things off. He is at nursery today so I will try and have a little soul search at lunch and think about your suggestions about how I could maybe do better for him

I understand how you feel! My almost 18month old is starting to throw bad tantrums and is alwaysss screaming at every little thing now! And her screaming irritates me so much!!! If she doesn’t get her way she’ll scream, if you tell her off she’ll scream. If she can’t do something or struggles she’ll scream. It’s like terrible twos happening earlier 😣
I also yell at her quite a lot when she doesn’t listen and when she’s being naughty I do smack her bum.

Urghhh I remember those days. Awful awful rage at my dd some days. I simply started to walk away. The trouble with taking things away (like the raisins) is that he will the scream as you've taken them away. Best to just let him get on with it and ignore him.

Or try really hard to get a sense of humour about it all. Start to take photos with captions around 'what my toddler has had a tantrum about today' you see them on fb sometimes. Funny photos about kids throwing a tantrum and lying on the floor because mummy wouldn't let me drink water from the toilet.

You are overwhelmed in some way, OP. Parenting strategies are great, and they work, but they assume you're starting from a place you're ok emotionally. After a bereavement I found myself getting into an absolute rage with DS about completely minor things that were totally normal behaviour for him. I just couldn't cope with completely normal things. I'd feel the rage bubbling up inside myself and it was quite sudden. I was exhausted and at the end of my tether really, so it was easy to tip me over the edge. Leaving the room until I calmed down was the only thing that worked. DS was a lot older though and it's not always safe to leave a 2 year old.

I'd try and figure out why you're on the edge so to speak. You're obviously a normal loving parent but something is up at the moment that's causing you to overreact in this way.

Two is also a difficult age, no denying that.

18 months - 3.5 is a VERY tough age. You have my sympathies. My son was also a screaming, tantruming nightmare and I also remember having those feeling of utter rage.

He's 6 now and I'm happy to report he is mostly awesome! You will get there OP, there's light at the end of the tunnel and before you know it this will all be a bad memory.

In the meantime pop some foam ear plugs in when he's screaming, it really does take the edge off. Also you're human, you won't always get it right. Your son won't be scarred for life just because you lose your shit occasionally. Yes smacking should be avoided but a little tap on the arm isn't exactly a beating is it!

Try and lower your expectations a bit, remember that at this age they are mostly unreasonable, dramatic, incoherent little tyrants who have no idea what they're doing or kicking off about most of the time.

Stay consistent, try and stay calm (I know this is hard) but just walk away and punch a pillow or scream in another room if you need to. I remember taking myself off into the garden, jumping up and down and throwing myself around just to let the rage escape from my body.

I think if you can come to a place of acceptance that yes, this is your life at the moment and it's fucking hard but it WILL get better.

Wow some seriously judgemental comments on here.

Clearly some people are prefect parents. Sorry but I've screamed at my toddler. Like this morning when he threw his truck at my hot cup of tea which smashed the cup then scalded me.
And when he repeatedly tried to break the TV this evening.

Perfect parents perhaps you'd like the spend a day in my life and show me how its done. I'm sure you'd completely smash it.

OP, do you struggle with unexpected loud noises? Find scratchy fabrics and labels irritating? Get headaches from certain perfumes?

WTF?

I also yell at her quite a lot when she doesn’t listen and when she’s being naughty I do smack her bum.

@AyyX wow, your comment is shocking and actually very concerning. Please do not yell at your child (who is not even 18 months yet for god’s sake!) or smack her. Smacking should be illegal.