Mean school girls

[Whycantpeoplebekind]

Hi . I'm looking for advice. My daughter began secondary school this year and is in a friendship group of 7 girls, who she ( and I) thought were fairly close. This week though one of the girls has announced her birthday slumber party, but not invited one of the girls . The excuse given just didn't make sense , and could be easily solved if necessary. The excluded girl is kind , gentle , and lovely and will be devastated by this when she finds out. At the moment the other girls have been told not to tell her, but these things have a way of coming out. My daughter is good friends with this girl and feels that she's being forced to keep a secret from her and knows this girl will feel betrayed that all the girls knew, and didn't tell her. My daughter ( and I ) feel awful too, but are unsure of what to do. We'd appreciate any advice or ideas?

If your daughter is brave enough she could make a stand and decline the invitation, telling the host that she doesn't want to be part of a party that excludes someone. It sounds like there is going to be an issue within the group when the girl who is left out finds out about it, so your daughter declining now would be taking the high road from the outset.

Not much advice to give OP but I too am struggling and at a total loss of how to deal with mean girls.My daughter is funny,kind and gentle and I know all kids are different and yet there is a clique in my dds class of 8 girls who are just truly horrible,I cannot get my head around how sneaky,cruel and snide these girls are at 9 years old, It is awful to see how they behave.Non of this is reflected at my daughter but when did young girls get to be so..well I just dont know but its not right,Who is teaching them to be decietful or sneaky and who thinks this is right? Does it come from home.school where? I have no clue. I think on reflection you sound to be like the kind of parent I am and empowering your daughter to not go along with something that will hurt someone or even just not to say is just not the kind of thing that will sit well with you,,I would decline the invitation, I couldnt be a part of that and I would be treating my daughter to a special treat to say well done for recognising the situation and how proud you were of her. I genuinely worry about what the good,honest ,decent kids have to navigate daily,it seems all kinds of wrong to me, We seem to be doing things right at home with standards and values and politeness and yet in school it makes you weak somehow and it bears no reflection on what the schools often preach.

I agree with PP, your daughter either goes and feels mean towards the excluded girl or she stays home, maybe the two of them could do something nice instead?

Takes guts to make a stand - does your daughter fee able to do this?

Encourage your daughter not to attend the sleepover.
If host asks why, she should be honest and say that excluding X is the reason.

if she loses a shitty person as a friend - then who cares.

It is a minefield.

I think she could decline but taking a stand might adversely affect her....so that’s something to consider.

Or she could speak to the host and say- oh xx didn’t get an invite that’s a mistake isn’t it, you didn’t mean to leave her out? And give the host the chance to rectify her behaviour.

Teen girls can be so horrendous.

But whatever happens this week it will be the reverse next week. Honesty from my experience they are very very fickle!!

don't allow the "queen bee" to dictate what your daughter can and can't do. And if she plays along and keeps the secret etc just to appease Queenie.. one day Queenie will turn against your DD for some spurious reason. and it will be worse.

Teach your daughter to stand up to this bullshit!

It's an absolute minefield

My daughter is the uninvited one for an upcoming sleepover despite being promised an invitation. She's really done nothing wrong. Year 7 girls are often little minxes

I remember some girls behaving like this when I was at school back in the eighties.
What a horrible dilemma for your daughter. Be aware if these nasty girls think your daughter is judging their awful behaviour they might turn on her too.
Could you give her a reasonable excuse not to attend and then encourage her to find other friendship groups, maybe with the “left out” girl?
I’m so sorry this sort of thing is still going on today. I’m sure with the good values you are teaching your daughter that things will turn out well for her in the long term.

I think she could decline but taking a stand might adversely affect her....so that’s something to consider.

Why are people so adverse to calling bullying behavior out?

Why can’t we teach our kids that standing up for yourselves and your beliefs is the right thing to do?

Or just sweep it under the carpet and blame the school.

I remember being the left out one from a group of 6, and by the time it had got to that stage, I'd already started to leave the group anyway. In the end Queenie left the group, as the 5 weren't cool enough for her, and equally, I had a wider range of friends because of the earlier nonsense. It can be a good thing, encourages the left out girl to spread her wings and be part of lots of groups.

Oh, I feel your pain! Yr7 Dd has a school trip this week, the girls in her class have paired off already for the coach so she’s on her own and apparently they won’t sit with her at lunch either (due to COVID they have to stick in class indoors). Poor girl is just trying to make friends☹️

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies, and for taking the time to write. This was my first post and it made me feel so much better knowing there are lovely mums out there

What happened in the end ?!x