How the hell do you get through the terrible twos?

[Elwynne]

Please tell me how you got through the sheer fury of a toddler not getting what it wants, the more bizarre tantrums, such as wanting to eat the banana that they've just eaten , the feeling that whatever you are doing it is probably wrong and the constant nagging feeling that you must be terrible mother...
After a 2 hour battle to get my dc to bed I'm having to recover with a glass of wine and I don't really even drink!
Help!

Gin.

Seriously though, it does pass, it's bloody awful when you're in the midst of it and I appreciate that you probably want to tell me to fuck off as it's the least helpful thing to hear right now but it does, it really does, as they get better at expressing their needs it does get easier, a lot of it is down to frustration. On all sides.

Until that day though, gin. Lots of gin.

By telling myself that no matter how bad, the teenage years will be worse. 🤯

It will pass and you will look back and laugh at that time. Get stocked up on bananas and alcohol. The bedtime madness after a long tiring day is absolutely brutal. Good luck OP. It’s a wild time.

Thanks for the words of encouragement @DeadButDelicious and @Myphone and erm @Justmuddlingalong depressingly I know you're right... I think I might start applying for jobs in random countries and leave the dc with their dad

But seriously how did you not go mad?

I'd make sure they were safe and leave them to tantrum. I wouldn't negotiate with 2 year old terrorists.

Go to bed straight after them to recharge. Physically run them ragged during the day. Chop those bananas in to several long pieces, hold a bit back, pretend you have created a magic one from their tummy. Let them think they have all the power. 😁

such as wanting to eat the banana that they've just eaten

I cannot help you but you made me laugh so very loud.

:)

But seriously how did you not go mad?

Oh I went quite mad I've learnt to quite enjoy it.

The passage of time.

Trying to keep a sense of humour about the ridiculousness of some of it helps. Pick your battles where you can, and try to develop a thick skin to shrug it off if (ok, when) it happens in the middle of Tesco.

It passes, then it gets worse then it passes again.

Make the most of comedy and stay calm / walk away and breathe when you can ;) you've got this 😘

Toddlers are not so bad... they turn in to teenagers eventually and then you'll miss the toddler stage lol

Tell me about it 😩

Well after the terrible twos comes the threenager....

I drink frequently and have a secret stash of chocolate.

Definitely not what you want to hear, but I didn’t research it and nobody told me 3 year olds are worse.

My DTs are just over 3 now and are in this fucking awful phase of strops and just following me around making whinging noises. On the plus side, the 15 hours free nursery has kicked in and it’s glorious for those magical hours every week. The other 153 hours are somewhat more of a struggle...!

Laugh as often as you can, cry, and remember it WILL pass. Don’t worry about going mad, I’m quite bonkers now - caught myself talking to the parking machine yesterday whilst I was out on my own and there were people next to me.

One thing I did find that worked quite well was to take it in turns crying with them. Weirdly they stopped when I told one it was someone else’s turn and resumed when it was their go again!

Oh and another more practical one is talking calmly and putting names to their feelings and acknowledging that whilst they’re very upset/angry/frustrated etc you can’t do X because of Y. This worked some of the time, but mainly I don’t have the patience for this shit and it was hissed through gritted teeth after the 7th time of saying it before I turned in to my parents and just tell them no, because I say so. Followed by this ain’t no democracy kid, it’s a dictatorship and I’m the dictator.

Mainly though, you’ve just got to ride it out and remember that toddlers (and threenagers) are just absolute arseholes. It really isn’t you, it’s them.

Right, so booze, bananas and chocolate and maybe some hiding in the cupboard under the stairs

It's tough but you can start reasoning with them after a bit and do routines and countdowns - eg 5 more kicks of the ball, 4 more, 3 more etc. Lots of warnings "this is the last one and then bath" etc. so they know what's coming.

3 Day Nanny on tv has some good tips - eg when they're whinging turn your back on them and lead them to somewhere else to do a different activity - helps you not get in an argument with them and distracts them.

I also try to make a no sound like a yes - instead of "no you can't have a biscuit" it's "yes of course you can have a biscuit, right after your lunch is finished".

I also found this book really helpful - good to dip in and out of for tips and explanations about why little kids behave so annoyingly.

I actually find 2 quite nice! I can cope with it quite well. Age 3-4 I found a lot harder at least with DC1. I find at 2, while there is a lot of random screaming at least this is fairly predictable, IME it tends to be when they are tired, or hungry, or teething. Plus it tends to be totally emotion and impulse based so you don't really have to DO anything about it - it's not naughtiness, it's just that being two, their "cup" for emotional regulation is absolutely miniscule and spills over constantly. The nice part is it also passes really fast. If you can stay calm and not go into "OMG everyone is staring, I must be a terrible mother, how can I stop this?!?!" a 2 year old tantrum is normally over within about 5 minutes, and then they move on to the next thing with absolutely no resentment or even indication that they were distraught a moment before

My favourite resource for age 2 is Janet Lansbury's Unruffled podcast. That HTT for little kids book is great as well :)

Don't try to explain or reason too much with a 2yo. Do explain and reason, because it's a good habit to start, but never expect that to be enough. It won't. They do things because they're exploring and too little to have any impulse control. You need to back up the explanation with some kind of prevention or showing/bringing/leading them to the alternative that you actually want.

Whereas age 3/4 IME the tantrums are more prolonged - more like 20+ minutes when they happen. They actually FIGHT you on things and aren't able to be distracted or redirected or jollied along and they are physically bigger so harder to pick up. They are starting to make conscious decisions, rather than just act on impulse all the time, which means it makes sense to sometimes let them find out the consequences of those decisions - I find this quite hard

Bedtimes are just nope at all ages though :o Is your 2yo still napping? That can be a trigger to drop the nap. Otherwise rule out hunger/teething pain and if neither of these are the issue you may need to bring bedtime earlier or move it later so he's actually tired.