Not coping with bedtimes as a lone parent

[peachgreen]

My beloved DH died suddenly last October. I've been doing everything I can to try and keep my 3 year old DD happy and safe but I'm really not coping with bedtimes. By the end of the day I'm utterly exhausted and struggling to hold it together. DD used to be a brilliant sleeper and would go down beautifully after her usual routine - bath, a bit of CBeebies, two stories, cuddle, kiss, bed. She would often look at books or play on her cot for a bit which was fine. But suddenly she has started absolutely refusing to go to bed. She cries hysterically and insists on getting up to watch TV with me. Stupidly I let this happen 3 or 4 times and now she screams for it every night. I can't go on like this, I'm getting absolutely no time to myself because bedtime is taking 3 hours or more.

Things I've tried:

• reward charts and stickers - she likes the idea during the day but at night says she doesn't care
• groclock
• audio books
• going in to comfort her repeatedly - it just gets her more and more worked up
• being firm - most of the time I stay calm and gentle because that's my parenting style so I tried being firmer one night and it was the worst of all
• reassuring her from outside the door
• sitting in her room with her

The only thing that works is giving in and letting her watch something on TV - but even that sometimes has to happen two or three times before she'll sleep.

I'm really not coping with it. Please help?

I’m really sorry for your loss. Everything must be so difficult for now.

3 is quiet big to still be in a cot. I would move her into a bed and cuddled him to sleep. If you get some Bluetooth headphones you can listen to podcasts at the same time.

What time is he getting up and going to sleep?

Does she still nap?
If yes cut that out and she should knock out quickly come bed time (what time does she wake and sleep currently)?

If none of the above applies then it’s super nanny style cold turkey, no talking keep returning her to her bed and ignore the hysterics

Sorry @Fitforforty I should have clarified, she's stuck with the cot for 3 more months until I move into my new apartment (we're staying with friends). She does sleep in a bed at my SIL's so I'll see if that helps next time I'm there.

She goes up for her bath at 6.30 and in to bed for 7.15. On weekdays I wake her at 8.30, at weekends she would happily sleep until 10 but I wake her at 9.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I've just cut her nap down to an hour from 2 - I was waking her after 2, on the rare occasion that I left her she would happily sleep for 3 hours during the day! It doesn't seem to have helped but I will keep doing it and see if it helps. This change literally happened overnight though so I'm struggling to see how her nap could be causing it. Sometimes I do keep her up (if we're out etc) but she is EXHAUSTED, big back circles, really weepy, and she's just as bad at bedtime.

Okay tonight I tried ignoring her and just letting her scream (mostly because I was sobbing and I didn't want her to see that) and after about half an hour of crying she suddenly switched from screaming to laughing and playing, literally within moments. And now she's reading quietly and falling asleep. I feel absolutely sick, it's the first time I've EVER had to leave her to cry for longer than 5 minutes and I hate myself for it. But she seems fine? This is what I hate most about solo parenting, there's nobody here to talk to about it or get reassurance that I'm not doing a shit job.

If you want to keep the nap, just an 1hr nap, then I’d wake her up earlier.
My nearly 4yr old is up at 6-6.30 and in bed at 7 no nap and knocks out within 30seconds of bed time.

Kids sleep is a minefield but if she’s so tired she can’t object and demand to stay up then that will help,

I'm so sorry for your loss peach.
I find bedtime is often when all the stress and anxiety finds its way out, I wonder if your little one is harbouring some unprocessed worries about being left alone at night time. My two can be a bit like that anyway, especially when going through times of stress, so I can't even imagine how it must be for a small child who's had such a huge loss to bear.
My only practical comment would be that it sounds like she sleeps very late, so maybe isn't really tired enough? I've only experienced kids who are up with the birds so 8.30 sounds really late to me. Could you try gradually pushing it a bit earlier so she's really ready for sleep by bedtime? That and find a way to cuddle her to sleep, so she feels secure and doesn't fear going to bed (if that's what's going on). Good luck x

14 hours is way too much sleep for 3 year old. I think your trying to get her to sleep for longer than she needs which is why she can’t get to sleep. The NHS recommends between 10 to 13 hours for that age group.

I would be trying getting her up earlier and dropping the nap.

I think getting her up earlier, then an earlier, shorter nap might be the way to go. You may have to do it in 15 minute increments, but it is worth starting now because it will make moving on to nursery and school routines much easier when the time comes.
Little children do regress and struggle with life changing events, even if they can't tell us in words.
I am so sorry for your loss.

My DC used to creep in and sleep on a little nest on my floor when they felt lonely. I used to leave a folded duvet and pillows there for them. We had a stair gate and all other doors closed so there were no hazards. It was never a problem. I agree with PP that a cot might not be very comfortable for a 3 year old. But of course, if there is no room, you can't help that. Mine moved into beds around 2, mainly because they would climb out and launch themselves onto the floor, which was risky.

Hey - definitely agree that getting her up earlier would be better. My son is now 10 and just hasn’t ever needed as much sleep as other children. I stopped the naps at around 3 years old and he probably woke up at 7am! Experiencing a loss would have an impact onto your little girl - I can only relate in the sense of a separation and move back to my mums! What I would say is do what makes her feel safe and secure and remember every child is different! Also give yourself a break as you are doing your very best and I’m sure she is very lucky to have you 😊 Things will settle down once you are in your own space! X

It's a cot bed rather than a cot so she has plenty of room and she's never tried to climb out.

Thanks everyone. I'll try getting her up earlier. She has always needed a lot of sleep and prior to this sudden change she was sleeping 7.30pm-8.30am with a 2+ hour nap and had been for months, including after her dad's death. She's never been an early riser, even as a baby.

But I'll get her up when I get up tomorrow and see if that helps, combined with her already shortened nap.

Anyway, thank you. It's helpful to get other opinions. I feel like I'm fucking it all up completely to be honest. But I'm trying really fucking hard.

Also I should say that she doesn't SLEEP 7.15 to 8.30 - she's in bed at 7.15, then I read her a story and we have a chat until about 7.30/7.45 - then before this all started she would read her books or play with her teddies for 30-45 minutes until she fell asleep. And she does still do that now, it's just that there's anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours of yelling and up and down and crying and whatever in the meantime! Whatever time she eventually settles, she still plays for that amount of time. And I do think that's contributing to the issue because she's not getting to sleep until 9, 10pm so no wonder she's sleeping late and still tired? But I don't really know how to change that. She just seems to need that time to wind down. I tried cutting the CBeebies out of her bedtime routine (she has one episode of Duggee or Bluey while she's getting into her pyjamas and having her teeth cleaned) but it didn't change anything, and the rest of her bedtime routine is really calm, bath, PJs, books and cuddles.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you again.

Paradoxically, sometimes an earlier bed time can help. If I missed the window with mine they would go into overdrive and take 2 hours to settle.
Everything is a phase with children. You are doing a great job and it will all settle down.

Hmm I do think there's something to that @endofthelinefinally as I put her to bed early a few weeks ago because I was going out and wanted her settled before I did, so she was in bed at 6.30 and she did go to sleep a bit quicker than usual and with less fuss (and woke around 8am which is a better time as that's when she'll need to be up for preschool). I thought it was a lucky fluke to be honest! Gah. Who knows!

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine.

It’s likely she’s grieving too. My son (nearly 3) is adopted and came home just before he was 2 and his grief at losing his foster carers badly affected his sleep and even now he needs to sleep in my bed because if he can’t see me I don’t exist or won’t come back. I’m not saying this is true for your daughter but it’s a possibility. I’m a single parent (by choice) and long for some alone time without my son by my side. But I let him sleep in my bed as it’s the only way he’ll settle and sleep through the night. I tell myself it won’t be for forever.

In practical terms I agree with the pps. Earlier starts. Lots of walking (helps to wear them out and regulate). Lots of connection time before bedtime. So play, dance, sing together with lots of eye contact. Tell her what you’re doing when she’s asleep and that you’ll pop in to give her kisses when she’s asleep. Keep your routine short but sweet and consistent.

Thanks @mahrezzy. I'd happily have her in my bed but that's not what she wants - I've tried it! She wants to be on her own to sleep.

She gets lots of exercise (we walked over 10k steps today and that's fairly typical and doesn't include her time with the childminder) and 100% of my attention between dinner and bedtime. I'll try the popping back in thing though, and also maybe try doing some chores upstairs where she can hear me while she's going to sleep. I do always go into give her a kiss and a cuddle before I go to bed and she likes that (as do I!). She is definitely grieving and this has coincided with a period of expressing her grief more (saying she wishes Daddy could come back etc) - I've had help from a child psychologist in the best way to handle that which has been incredibly useful so I'll maybe speak to her again regarding the sleep. Sometimes it's just really hard to tell what's a development phase and normal for her age, and what's grief-related. I just really don't want her up until 9 or 10pm like she has been over the past fortnight or so because she's utterly exhausted and so fragile and weepy.

Sorry for your loss.
Has dd had age appropriate bereavement support?

@Embracelife I've had support from a child psychologist and also from Barnardo's. There is nothing in person available to her age range in my area but she will be referred for play therapy when she starts school.

Hi, so sorry for your loss and the tough time you are having. You are not messing anything up. @endofthelinefinally makes a great point. If possible, buy a double bed for her bedroom in the new place? That way you can comfortably cuddle her to sleep then have your own bed as your own.

@peachgreen sending so many hugs. Before my son came home I never realised the strength of grief a tiny child could have, and how it impacts so many things. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things for her, which, given what you’re going through yourself is astounding. It must be so, so hard.

If I could go back to my time with my son I’d tell myself to try to make it lighter and more playful and to make him laugh. It sounds so glib in a way, but laughing together with eye contact makes a world of difference to our days, especially the hard ones. It’s like climbing a mountain when you don’t feel like it yourself.

This too will pass. Time really will help, be it developmental or emotional x

I wonder if some quiet, soothing music in the background might help?
Something like a relaxation cd.
I find some calming background noise helps me relax.
After my son died I couldn't bear silence. Even now I find silence difficult. There is a reason that historically we sing children to sleep.

Just to add that you need to try a tactic for more than just one night. Decide on what you’re going to do with a new Routine, bath, book bed etc and what time and how you’re going to deal with her calling out/crying etc and then stick to that routine for a few nights so she learns that’s how it’s going to be.
I’m sorry for your loss

@Myphone unfortunately there won't be room for a double bed in her new room but she will have a single and she also knows she's allowed to come into my bed for a cuddle whenever she wants - I'm quite happy to cosleep if it helps her but it doesn't seem to be something she wants though she does occasionally come for a cuddle.

Thank you @mahrezzy. You are right, the days when I'm able to stay calm and cheerful and playful with her are by far the best and easiest. And although I know this thread makes it sound like I'm a disaster I really don't think I am - she's doing really well, we talk about her Daddy all the time, I'm modelling healthy grief, she's not clingy, she hasn't regressed at all, she's generally an absolute delight and a joy to parent - it's literally just this issue! It's just having SUCH a negative effect on us both, I really want to get it sorted. Hopefully some of these tips will help.

@endofthelinefinally that's a really good idea, thank you. I'll try that. I have a spare Alexa I can put in her room (with the mic disabled) and control from my phone. Thank you.

You're right @Lotsachocolateplease I'm not being as consistent as I should be. Her routine is consistent and I'm happy with that but I have responded in different ways trying to find the best one and I maybe need to just stick to one. I've only shortened her nap for the past 2 days so maybe that will start to help soon.