Daughter shy of speaking in class

[Marsheld]

My 14 year old daughter does well at school however she is becoming very shy of talking out loud in class and answering questions. When answering she is so quite that a number of teachers tell her they can’t hear her. She has also started to ask to go to the toilet in lessons when she thinks they are going to have to read out loud so she can avoid it. She’s also told me she is starting to feel anxious on the way to school. She has a good set of friends and is sociable with them and isn’t being bullied. I’m at a loss on how to help her overcome the fear of speaking out loud. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I would ask teachers to always pre warn her she’ll be asked a question. So say in my lesson we are talking about the death penalty; I would say to the child who doesn’t like talking out loud; mini Marsheld in 5 min I am going to ask you what you think about the death penalty... so she’s been given a heads up, knows the question and has 5 min to think about it.

So I would speak to school so they can put something in place across the board.

I had this and it got really bad at uni and I started to get scared in case someone tried to speak to me in a shop or something. Then I started blushing and then blushing at the thought of blushing or someone pointing it out. It was awful tbh. I’ve always had a fear of public speaking. I still remember the anxiety starting up at thought of someone asking me to answer a question or present something. The abject fear of being in a tutor group being expected to talk at some point. No where to hide.
My advice would be to speak to the school and say she has signs of anxiety, please can she not be asked to speak out in any lessons and can they inform all her subject teachers as she is feeling panicky. See what the school suggest to support her.
It’s great she’s talking to you. I would arrange some 1:1 speech and drama lessons to help her get used to speaking; I wish I’d had this as a teen. I used to sing but couldn’t go on stage. Once I sang backstage whilst someone else mimed!

I still can’t speak in front of groups though I’ve had to occasionally and was physically shaking and voice shaking and found it really harrowing.
One little technique could be to sit at the front in class as this means if she does have to talk at all no one else can see her really apart from the teacher so it’s as if it’s just them and they’ll be able to hear. But the first step is to give her a breather by knowing she doesn’t have to speak out in class until she’s feeling less anxious.

For me the ‘I’m going to ask you a question in 5’ would’ve set the anxiety off early to be honest. She needs to learn techniques first.

Hi @Marsheld you may want to get this moved to the teenagers forum so it gets more views.

My daughter is 13 and autistic which comes out as anxiety, not saying your daughter is the same but there is lots of advice online around ways to reduce anxiety. For example you could write an end goal of volunteering to answer a question in class then write our mini goals to get to that point. Start with something she can already do eg answer if asked then the next one might be to limit the number of times she asks to go to the loo to avoid questions to once per day etc. Get your daughter to write the goals with you, try to keep it light hearted. Each goal has a reward (including the one she can already do).

That's just an example. You could also ask the school to help like the PP said.

Social anxiety? It often develops in the teenage years. Have you had her heearing checked though? Just in case her fear comes from not knowing what is being asked in the first place

This was me at school. I hated being asked to speak or read out loud because I naturally speak very fast and apart from saying “slow down” - yep, hadn’t thought of that, cheers - I didn’t get any advice or help.

Presenting and speaking up is such a big part of adult life, I’d really try and find a way to help her. The drama/coaching idea sounds a good one.

I get this now at work, if I know they will ask me a question at some point I get more and more anxious. It's especially bad if they do a 'round the table' as I can see it getting closer and closer to my turn which can sometimes end up I a full on panic attack for me.

I have found tho that the more I ran away from it (being sick on the days i knew it would happen or refuse meetings) the worse it got. The more you do it, the easier it gets

I'd suggest you take her to the gp, she can be prescribed meds for anxiety and also CBT training to help.

It was called social anxiety social phobia for me and I think the best way to describe the experience is as a phobia. So imagine someone with spider phobia and someone said I’m going to put a spider on you in 5 minutes. Or emetephobia (sp) which I also had incidentally if someone said I’m going to be sick on you in a minute. It’s the same level of fear sweating and waiting for a teacher to ask you to ask you something and it’s pretty much all you can think about and you desperately want to run away.
As pp mentioned, phobias are managed by gradual desensitisation which I think is a great idea- slowly increasing the amount of verbalisation expected. Because there was also the fear of what if they ask me to expand on it etc. Maybe an Ed psych could help through the school or even SALT as they support children who are selectively mute. But don’t let them fob you off. I feel for your daughter.

Some one to one coaching, ideally paired with some small group drama activities would be really beneficial in my view. I hope she manages to overcome her fears soon, it's horrible to feel like that.

We just had parents evening and every single teacher said this about my DD!
She's in contact with CAHMS already for anxiety so no surprises there for us. Interestingly, she's working on this with some help with an online platform CAHMS have put her on, whilst this is probably not available for everyone, there are lots of great online resources for mental health now.
I'd have a look at some of these with her. Understanding how anxiety can present and affect you is very useful in terms of having strategies for dealing with it.
youngminds.org.uk/ might be worth a look.
I think the suggestion of drama or similar is good if she'd be up for that.

I think the thing about drama is that you need to find a small, supportive group. My dd does drama and there are a lot of uber confident types. There are a few quiet, shy kids who I'm pretty sure have joined to build their confidence, but I think it must be very intimidating for them in a group of kids who are not at all hesitant about being the centre of attention.

I'm not quite sure how you go about finding a smaller, less intimidating group, but I think that's what would really help. A big group full of typical drama types might actually have the opposite effect, so proceed with caution!

Have a look at individual coaching with a LAMDA tutor- but make sure the tutor is right for her.

I had this and never got over it, although many people do. If I could've taken beta blockers as an adult I would have but couldn't because of my asthma. Your DD might get better through practice and as she ages, but also might now. Not all jobs require public speaking.

I would also reassue your DD that puberty is a time when lots of people start to feel anxious and self conscious and not feel that she's weird or different. It may be helpful for her to do some form of CBT therapy so that she can identify the thoughts in her head when a stressful thing occurs 'eg. I might blush and people will laugh at me'. Another thing you could do perhaps email her teachers and say that she is dealing with anxiety in certain situations and ask if they can help. Perhaps they can allow her to choose when she speaks rather than telling her.

I also think it's great that she is confiding in you, the worse thing she can do it bottle it up so encourage her to keep talking.

I would also add there's nothing inherently wrong with being a bit quiet or shy. But the fact that this anxiety is bothering her in other ways is something I would want to help her with.
The being quiet in class I think is probably a way that teachers use to guage if a child is engaged and understanding. I have asked if DD can ask the teacher a question by email for example rather than in class..
I think DD is using a technique of gradual exposure. She set herself a goal to put her hand up in say Maths one day. Having done that she set another, easier to achieve that way too and gradually it is building her confidence.

With my teacher head on - at our school as student like this would have an email sent out to teachers telling them not to ask them questions. However in my own personal experience I remember getting to uni and wishing that we’d been made to present more at school because I was so scared of it by the time I got to uni and wish I’d been pushed more out of my comfort zone so I was more prepared when I had no option but to do presentations at uni and by not being asked any questions at all I wonder if it might make it worse? But I don’t have any professional background in anxiety that’s just a thought. The pre-warning sounds like a good middle ground?

To be honest I would ignore it. The more you make a 'thing' of it the worse it will get.

I speak from experience of being exactly the same myself. My two children were also the same. Parent's evening were full of people saying they were too quiet.

I ignored it for them as I knew that I grew out of it. I'd still rather be run over than speak publicly - but I have a normal life with a good job.

I told my children that the only thing that mattered was what goes on between them and the exam papers they did at school and they didn't have to speak out loud for those. They both left school with very good results. (The only time speaking up is important is for languages - I will accept this - but they practised for the orals).

When I had said this before on this site I was told that they may struggle to get jobs. However - as they got older their confidence grew (as no one was pointing out their faults). DD now graduated - has only had to apply for two jobs (one for her placement year and one for first graduate job) - both with assessment centres as she landed the position each time.

My DS is still at uni - he appears to have been the one to organise his uni house and spoken to agent etc, so I'm not worried about him either. He also bizarrely says he likes public speaking - as he has had to present group coursework.

I disagree about ignoring it. I was like this as a child and it really held me back. I wish someone had helped me with it more when I was younger.

@paralysedbyinertia

I disagree about ignoring it. I was like this as a child and it really held me back. I wish someone had helped me with it more when I was younger.

Same. I went to a very posh uni (not posh myself) and what has stuck with me from that is the value that is placed on confidence. The posh boys (and girls) would speak in tutorials loudly and confidently; they would forge good relationships with the academics, and they all sailed on to high-paying jobs.

Marsheld, can your daughter explain what it is that makes her clam up? E.g there’s probably a different solution to “is worried that what she will say is wrong” than “is worried people will laugh at her accent.”

I think you should take your own advice and read the OP more carefully.