better for me and daughter if I leave him? - gambling problem

[lockdownmummax]

hello,
My fiancé has a gambling addiction, I found out about his addiction when we had been together for 1 year, he went to GA and as far as I know had being doing great until now,
Our daughter is 1 year old, we both work full time so split all bills between us, last month he never paid his half of the bill money, I questioned him why after days of questions he finally admitted he had gambled all his wages, luckily I had savings to cover his half, we discussed and agree'd he'd have to go to GA and continue going or he can't stay here ( previously we nearly lost our house due to his addiction)
This week has been hell, he has gambled all his wages AGAIN to try win money to pay back gambling debts ( no bill money from him again )
he is now refusing to go to GA and hounding me into sending him money as he says " if he can just get a couple hundred pound he can win back all the money he owes " arhhhhh
I had to take out a loan last night to pay our bills!!
He is lashing out on me and just being down right horrible!
he says he is sick with worry about the money he owes / has lost and has decided to quit his work as he can't concentrate, he is saying he is better off dead...
I really don't know what to do? I of course don't want to ask him to leave when he is saying he's better of dead.. but on the other hand I can't have him spending all our money on gambling, I have a 1 year old daughter and bills to pay... I also don't want my we girl witnessing the arguments and rage from him due to his gambling addiction, he can get really nasty when I refuse to give him money ( am I wrong for not giving him money) he makes it out as if it's all my fault for not giving him money when he's gambled all his and I know he's just going to put it into the bookies
All advice welcome

Oh bless you, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I don't have any experience with gamblers, but I had a mum with alcohol addiction issues, and if I learned anything over the years of pain, it's that you can make anyone change, it has to come from them. It unfortunately doesn't sound like your partner is on board with that at all. For yours and your daughters sake, I would end the relationship. As hard as that will be, he will drag you down. You have to keep you and your little girl safe.

Don’t let him guilt trip you, he wants to stay so you keep paying.
Do you rent or own ?

@misskatamari
Thanks for your response,
I agree we can't help people who don't want to help them selves, it's just hard as other than his gambling he is a great guy but I can't let him drag me and my little girl down with him xx

@DinosaurDiana
I am starting to realise that now,
i own the house myself his name isn't on anything due to his bad credit x

You must put you and your daughter first and safeguard yourselves and your home.

That doesn't mean you don't love him snd that doesn't mean you can't have compassion for his situation. However you must be strong in defending your daughter and home. Where will he go if he leaves!

Has he really quit his work or has he got another job. Seems a silly thing to do if he needs to money. I would definitely cut your losses and leave.

You need to kick him out OP, you can’t keep bailing him out, he’ll keep spiralling and you’ll end up in a mess. He’s not going to change, get out before you’re left with nothing!

Well you cant trust him to provide so practically speaking you take him out of the equation. You need to move somewhere you can afford on just your salary. I think youd be a fool to let him come with you frankly. Make sure he has no way of getting to your money. You cant make him change and you cant cure him. And even if you could thats not your responsibility.

I was married to a gambler, it doesn't get better in my experience. Chasing the losses all the time, it was boom and bust on a constant cycle. I would advise you to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

He is a huge threat to the security that your Dd deserves and that her parents have a responsibility to do their best to provide.

How can you do your job as a parent when he is spending the household money? Your money?

Also, you shouldn’t have to live with anger and abuse and your Dd certainly shouldn’t be witness to it or live in a family made tense and unhappy by his behaviour.

OP you absolutely must not marry this man. If he gives up his job, if you divorce and he has nothing, he will be entitled to half of everything. He could take half your pension.

He won’t change. He has had his chances and blown them.

This is the type of man who will steal your daughters Christmas money. He's nothing better than a thief. Leave and don't look back

He is not a great guy.

Thanks to everyone who commented and gave advice,
All your comments gave me a real wake up call, the best thing for my we girl is to leave the relationship,
he has went to stay at his mums, which I'm glad as I don't want any harm to come to him,
I hadn't told my mum about this before, I sent her a brief text about what had been going on and she's on her way over just now, glad I've told my mum and I can open up to her and get all this off my chest,
Thank yous all so much!

I think starting to tell people is a good idea so you can gain perspectives from people you care about and who care about you.

It will also break the secretive cycle with you covering for him.

@footprintsintheslow
me too, I think I never told my mum before as I know what her opinion would be ( not a good one ) glad to be getting all this off my chest

You're amazing @lockdownmummax , I'm in awe of how strong you are in taking steps to protect your daughter. I know this all feels horrific but you will come out the other side.

@Fullofthejoysofspring
Thank you that means a lot, having a child has really changed my out look on life, she comes first, I'm just really glad I posted on here it gave me the push I needed to take the step

You’re 100000% doing the right thing.

You’re saving yourself and your wee girl from years, decades even, of uncertainty, worry and anxiety by making this decision, even though it’s a horrible one to have to make.

You sound like a great mum and a sensible woman.

It is a terrible affliction and I don't think someone is capable of being in a relationship while they are in the grip of it sadly. You need to protect yourself from getting dragged down because though you hope he can there is every chance he can't get himself out of it while he doesn't accept he has a problem.
This programme is illuminating in how a person can be transformed by it.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000v61m
So sorry you're going through this.

You gave him a chance. He properly blew it.

This is a horrible situation but it does make it crystal clear. There is no coming back from this. Don't doubt yourself. You are doing the right thing and your mum will tell you that too.

You can do this. Do you have support other than your mum?