Don’t know how to prevent and manage tantrums

[Bluesycamore]

My 2yr (28 month) old has recently started having tantrums. Seem to be just one after the other and they are ruining every day - starting from the moment she wakes up. These seem to stem from her wanting to do everything herself, or being very particular in how she wants things done. We try to facilitate letting her do as much herself as possible but there are obviously some things she can’t do. She’ll blow up at things like the toast wasn’t put on her plate the way she wanted it, or we’ve helped and filled her watering can up from the tap. Or I’ve done some sweeping up and she didn’t want me too. I don’t know how the respond to them anymore. So far I’ve been patient and I suppose pandering and tried to distract her or comfort her. Is this the right approach though? It’s making life a bit miserable I’m walking on egg shells all the time wondering what next is going to set her off. Im so worried that this could go on for a long time. Before this came on (literally overnight) we had lovely days together but now I dread them.

Realised I didn’t actually ask my question! Has anybody got any advice/tips for this? I’ve read up loads on tantrums and understand avoiding saying no, that type of thing, but that’s not really what’s triggering them for us

You can’t stop them. They are normal and an essential developmental stage. She is learning how to deal with her emotions.

Prevention is key for starters, so for example lots of heads up of we're leaving in 10 minutes so the are prepared to leave/ get ready for bed etc.

Secondly, small inconsequential choices. Would you like the blue or red socks on today? Toast cut into squares or triangles? Ultimately pointless but gives the child some control in a world where they have little control.

Thirdly during a tantrum, I'd mostly ignore and let them get the worst of it out. They are just frustrated and it is how they show it, when they are calming down a hug and quick chat, eg I know you are upset but you can't play with the oven because you will hurt yourself. Acknowledge their feelings and a quick explanation of why they can't [insert tantrum reason here].

Read the book How to talk so kids will listen, the version for kids from 2-7 years old, by Faber and King. I found it very helpful. And see if you can indeed stimulate her to be as independant as possible, that she can learn to do simple tasks. We are not diehard Montessori followers , but I like the book The Montessori Toddler and the YouTube channel from the Hapa family.

And it is a phase...

Keep them safe and make sure it doesn't work. If you give in even once it becomes a valid tool for getting what they want or attention.
Ignore for as long as takes as long as it's safe to do so. If not safe pick up and move to safety then ignore. Don't yell or punish as that will give attention which is an alternative positive outcome for the child.

I second to let them make choises: I let her choose some weather appropriate clothing. Lesson is to make sure that newly bought summer dresses are not visible when she needs a warmer jumper... and she likes leggings as she can now pull them up by herselve.

Sometimes I also use a timer on my phone with a nice sound. Helps her accept that playtime is over. Or I sing a certain song at the end of bath time, so she recognises she has to get out soon. Routine helps...

I've had a lot of success with the @biglittlefeelings instagram. So much so that I just bought their course. My 23 month old is an ace tantrum thrower, so much so that his daycare commented on it a few months back. Since we started implementing their strategies he's got much better.

Just letting him choose his shoes and his clothes (within reason) in the morning has been a gamechanger. Likewise stopping bedtime stalling/tantrums by getting him to put one of his toys to bed so he feels like he has some kind of control.

At 26 months my easygoing toddler turned into a pro tantrummer literally overnight. Like you said - from the moment they woke up to the end of the day. New sibling had entered the family three months earlier so I was exhausted and guilty and at a complete loss to deal with this totally new type of behaviour. I read the 'how to talk so kids will listen' book recommended above and implemented it and things improved greatly and relatively quickly. I was petrified the 'terrible twos' were here and I'd be terrorised by the tantrums until he grew out of it but it didn't turn out like that. Things calmed and everybody adapted/grew to understand each other a bit more and I'm glad I have a way to talk to my children that acknowledge their emotions.
Good luck, it was one of the hardest bits of my parenting journey so far when I was at a complete loss but settling on an approach helped me and him.

Thanks so much everyone I will definitely look up those suggestions for Fabre and King and Instagram. We’ve been doing the choices - which gets us past hurdle one but then there will be something really particular (like we touched her cup, or she wanted to get a particular thing herself that she can’t reach) and that’s when she goes into a bit of a meltdown. Was wondering re the ignoring as the distracting and comforting does seem to work (just get screamed at to go away). Appreciate everyone’s tips as just had another horrific day and wishing I was at work which I feel guilty about.

How to talk so little kids will listen really helped me with responding to tantrums but also Understanding them and adjusting my expectations.
At a certain point I let the tantrums wash over me if DD wasn’t causing anyone else any issues

Thanks for the tips I have ordered the book for next day delivery!!