Toddler hates new sibling

[Mummysarah12]

Hello
I have a recently turned 2 year old & a 9 week old baby. I have a huge problem in that my toddler just cannot accept her new sibling. She constantly goes to hit the baby & me whenever I pick him up or feed him. I try distracting her with various activities, I give her lots of 1-1 attention by leaving baby with partner or my mum, I’ve read big sister books to her...nothing works.
I understand that this is a huge adjustment for her but I was really thinking she would have settled down by now. I’m finding it all very upsetting. Today she came over & really yanked my hair!! I just don’t know what to do. I am exhausted with looking after both all day, toddler no longer naps & baby is up in the night.
Can anyone else suggest anything else I can do? I am getting absolutely no enjoyment out of my maternity leave, I keep thinking that things will get better but they seem to be getting worse if anything....
TIA

It will get better 9 weeks is not long. It is likely the baby will be of more interest when they start moving.

It is hard and there is only one of you.

My friend advised me to talk about DS2 as DS1s baby, and not mine. This helped - DS1 was 26 m old and wanted to help take care of his baby with me.

Hang on in there. You're in the trenches right now but things do get better.

It is very early days as others have said. She may sense your tension around the issue and feel a bit unsettled. Try not to worry, it will get better. Remember she is still a baby herself, we easily forget this when we have a small newborn compared to a robust active toddler. Keep reminding yourself she is still very young, is too young to understand that anyone else has needs or feelings, gives yourself some slack and remind yourself you are doing a fantastic job. She will be fine, just don't be too hard on yourself

@Macdo

It is hard and there is only one of you.

My friend advised me to talk about DS2 as DS1s baby, and not mine. This helped - DS1 was 26 m old and wanted to help take care of his baby with me.

Hang on in there. You're in the trenches right now but things do get better.

Agree with this. Or refer to baby as "our baby" and really incorporate her into helping you. Make her feel needed.

That doesn't sound fun. Have you tried:

• talking openly about her feelings eg 'I expect sometimes you feel angry and upset because the baby has changed our family, does it make you feel sad?' and offer reassurance. I know 2yo is young but she might play up less if she feels understood.
• vigorous physical activity (running around, dancing, stamping etc) to help get aggression out a bit. When a baby comes everything becomes a lot more sit downy, which doesn't help when you're a lively toddler.
• showing her pics of when she was a baby, explaining the new baby will grow up and change too
• babying your 2yo. My oldest loved this, cradling her and saying 'oh my baby', coochy coo etc and telling her she's adorable.
• if the 2yo is not in any form of childcare, I would try to find something as I think a break can be really good for them, being in a space not dominated by babies for a bit.
• rope 2yo in to helping with baby and having a role eg fetching nappies, singing a song when the baby cries, so she feels less like a spare part
• presents from the baby. They don't ask questions about how!
• lots of praise when she does something good for baby even if it's just smiling etc
• we also tried to incorporate 121 time into daily routine so she always had a predictable bit, eg half hour before DD bedtime she gets one of us to read with her and make a fuss.

Don't be tempted to relax your usual rules with 2yo as that's just more unsettling. Also don't play up the difference between them (you're a big girl and the baby's tiny) as it makes them want to be a baby again, plus the baby soon starts growing and encroaching on big girl territory.

I'd probably try a consistent non-emotional response to her hitting eg if she goes for you or the baby, she's put in the hall or the other side of the room without you getting upset (easier said than done). Sometimes they find it fascinating that they can cause drama and just keep doing it.

Good luck, it's hard but it does get easier.

I feel u OP. Back in march I had DS2 1 week before DS1 turned 2. He was fine in the beginning but now I can see a change in his behaviour in loads of different ways. I too am getting hit and I do find it very upsetting. I do wonder if I completely spoiled DS1 prior to DS2 arrival as he had so much attention. Obviously I can't give him the same amount of attention when I am on my own. Doesn't help DS2 has terrible reflux and only appears content when in my arms or strapped to me. Today was a particularly bad day and I had a meltdown. I know though that when I wake tomorrow it will b a different day. Until then I pray that none of them wake up during the night lol

How verbal is she?

The reason I ask of because I know a couple who were in a similar situation. They ended up taking their DD to child psychologist (I think it was a kind of play therapy). Basically because she was non-verbal she couldn't express her frustrations in the same way she could if she was speaking, any way she tried to express herself was treated as "naughty" and she took her frustrations on the source of all her issues (in her eyes). They managed to work through it and she's a lovely big sister now.

Thank you for the replies! Although sad to hear about early days as I was really hoping she would have settled down now...

@Terriblecreature Sending loads of sympathy your way! Our LOs have exactly the same age gap & DS2 also has reflux which as you say doesn’t help at all :-(

I know deep down things will get easier but I was kind of hoping for some improvement by 9 weeks!! I really can’t cope with what has hit me!!

@sqirrelfriends DD1 can speak a lot of words but not sentences. I’m hoping it’s not behavioural as these issues have only come about since our new arrival

Agree with others - try and make it about her as much as possible. Visitors have come? They’ve come to see her and see if she’ll show them her new brother. Going somewhere with the baby? She can come too because she’s a big sister now. Etc etc. Try to keep to her routine as much as possible too; if possible, make the baby fit in with her rather than the other way round.

Congratulations! (It does get easier....)

I think introducing a sibling is just the start of continuously changing challenges. My second is now 8 months, toddler will be 3 next month. We have gone from indifference to look how cute he is to baby now being the enemy because he can move to pick up eldest's toys. No doubt we'll enter another phase soon enough. Support your daughter as much as you can but know that it soon passes and turns into something else. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. It really isn't easy but from my own experience it has certainly gotten better. Baby reaching 5 months and starting to sit was a game changer. Hang in there!

You could try dissing the baby a bit to the toddler . So “ oh thank goodness I have you to talk to and play with because this baby is a bit boring isn’t he?! He can’t even make me a playdo sandwich! And you make me such lovely ones “ etc etc

I had a 21 month gap and tbh I didn’t give my newborn any attention at all! She was in a sling morning till night and I fed her when needed obviously. Other than that, I focused everything on my toddler, as I had before. Obviously without
Covid it would be easier, but toddler groups, playground, library, crafts, baking, walks, cafes..and the baby was just there in the sling, but all attention on the toddler. And I think doing this meant that until the baby was old enough to be a real person, and the toddler was old enough to be more understanding, the toddler just sees the baby as a part of you, and learns to love it. She used to refer to me as “mummy baby” .. she sort of lumped us together.

We did a bit of lying that really helped.

Wait for a bit so not directly after any hitting.

Every time the baby looks at or smiles near DD say aww look the baby really loves you. I think youre their favourite person.

Tell people on the phone/every time you meet what an amazing sister DD is. She has learnt so well to be gentle.

Lots of surprise presents from the baby.
Massively reward any good (ISH) behaviour

For now if both are crying rush to DD first.
Make a time to have a cuddle just with DD.
As hard as it is ignore hitting etc. She wants a reaction.