Staying with mil

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

My mil has Alzheimer’s - and it’s getting pretty bad now.

We are due to travel back home soon (different country) with our newborn baby! Plan on staying with my parents for most of the trip!

Mil lives 2 hours away from mine - the plan is to go visit for a weekend and then i was gonna take the baby back to my parents and leave husband there another few days.

Husband now saying he think it unfair for me and baby to leave as she will be upset.

I’m unsure it’s right for us to stay at all to be honest - his mum is very confused - never even remembers we have a baby anyway when we call her and not sure she will even enjoy the baby - she has no interest in any of her other grandchildren as it is

To get to her house we will need a lift from my family as we don’t drive - we will have to bring a cot as her house isn’t set up with anything for a baby.

I’m not sure how long I can cope there to be honest - we will just be trapped in her house in the middle of nowhere and you never know what her mood will be like and she is very very confused - gets stressed when she sees me there usually as she seems to think she needs to go into host mode and gets annoyed With husband cus she hasn’t got tea and food ready for us (she is incapable of cooking these days)

Do you think I’m being horrible to say I don’t want to go and leave husband to visit her alone? Or should i just suck it up and go! I really don’t know what the right thing is

Is a hotel or BnB nearby an option here? Staying in the house of someone with her condition can be very stressful and may be difficult for her to cope with too.

No really @MoreAloneTime she’s very rural

I really think she will find it hard with us all there! You never know what state she will be in

Do you even know if her house will be in a fit state for you to stay in? Is there any flexibility with the family members giving you lifts? You could drive down and make a decision as to whether or not staying over is a good idea.

Her house will be ok to stay (she has live in carer now) so there are bedrooms available - just not very baby friendly ! I suppose we can take a travel cot!

My mum is happy enough to drive down and wait for a bit and see how we go! So might just do that ! Can also probably get her to come back for me the following day if it’s really awful!
I’ve had a relative with Alzheimer’s before 1 husband hasn’t and I don’t think he is really as prepared as I am for how bad she is gonna be

He seems to think it I leave with the baby she will be annoyed and asking questions about why we left - he said how will I explain it to her - I reckon it would quickly be forgotten about !

It sounds like all you can do is give it a go and do whatever seems best at the time. Maybe you and DH can discuss some scenarios and what you can cope with.

I think you are right and she might find it very hard to cope with. If your husband thinks she might be upset when you leave, why not do it the other way round. Ask a family member to give him a lift to his mums. Then he can see how she is and you can join him for a longer or shorter stay depending on how she is coping. This may help him face up to how ill his mum is, which is a difficult thing to do.
She may cope better with just him than with all of you

Think you are right!! I’m gonna park it with husband for now and just see what happens I think - we’ve no idea how bad she will be ! Maybe she will enjoy the baby - who knows

Some days on the phone you’d not know there’s anything wrong - other days no idea who we are so it’s really hit and miss

Sure wel see

Thanks for the input

@MotherofTerriers good idea actually I didn’t think of us following later !!

Might even suggest he goes down alone and then I just come to collect him in a few days

There is definitely an element of him needing to face how ill she is! It’s been a long time since he seen her with lockdown and all - so she has gotten much worse but he doesn’t seem to be accepting that!

Last time I went there (pre baby) She was so stressed out - she can relax if it’s just him

Your husband doesn’t want to have to deal with his Mum on his own, so he is trying to guilt you into staying. He is the one who will be upset if you don’t stay there, not her!

I would leave DH to stay with his Mum and you do what is best for you and baby. He needs to step up a bit here!

This possibly has some truth in it @Eggcellent29 and I feel awful for him to have to see his mum like this!
I’d normally be happy to go and support him - but now I have a small baby to think about and what’s best for her!!

@Fupoffyagrasshole Exactly. It is difficult for the Dads when they suddenly have to share us, and our attention. It can be jarring for them when things like this happen - you would normally just go like you say, but now you have someone else to consider and as the other person is a baby, I’m afraid your husband will have to go it alone!

Could you perhaps agree Facetimes etc so you can give him a pep talk, etc whilst he’s there? It also gives him an excuse to leave the room for a moment if he’s feeling overwhelmed