Best friend making me feel terrible

[Ggg1234]

I’m a FTM to my soon-to-be 7 month old boy and my best friend doesn’t have kids herself but has become an aunty for the first time to a little boy who is nearly 9 months, so she often shares pictures and stories of him with me. My son has never been a great sleeper and I struggled a lot with this in the early days, which she is aware of. He’s a beautiful, happy (most of the time!), thriving boy but god I’m craving a full night sleep. Anyway my friend’s had a couple of weekends where her nephew has stayed at hers with his parents and when I’ve asked how it’s been, she’s replied ‘he’s such a good boy, slept 7-7.30’. I don’t know whether I’m just being over sensitive, but I find that response such a kick in the teeth, like a baby sleeping at night defines if they’re good or not. It’s making me doubt my ability as a mum (which has not come naturally to me but I’m trying every day) but it still p*sses me off that she knows how exhausted I’ve been from day one yet throws comments like that my way. My mum is also bad for suggesting their sleep is an indication of their progress as a baby...if I say we’ve had a rough night, she will question everything I’m doing in the day (suggesting baby rice before bed - classic mum comment). Anyway, don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve with this post other than a bit of a rant...do you think I’m being over sensitive with the comments from my best friend? And is anyone else sick of people obsessing over baby’s sleeping through as an indication of what they’re like as a baby? Course we’d love a full night but we’ve just accepted ours isn’t a brilliant sleeper but he’s great in the day

I can see why it feels that way to you but it’s generally just something people say.
There’s not a lot else to talk about when it comes to small babies.
If she’s your best friend you should be able to say this to her and explain that it’s a bit of a sensitive subject for you and can she think of something else to tell you.

I think you are over-thinking this. Her comment was a comment, nothing more. It wasn’t a dig at you, but just an observation about her nephew. If you’re sleep deprived, you’re probably reading more into it, then you would normally otherwise.

I’m sure you’re a good mum. Babies don’t come with a manual, and as soon as you’ve learnt one stage, the little so-and-so s move onto the next, new stage. They don’t make being a parent easy! Every mum has self-doubts, despite what their exterior portrays.

It's sleep deprevation making you more sensitive.

I've had 5 kids inc twins so know the feeling well. Had bad sleepers and great sleepers and there's nothing like that 1st time you wake up feeling like you got enough sleep. I never sleep more than 6 hours at a time nowadays, that's what kids have done to me, currently 26+6wk pregnant and just glad I can sleep through without a toilet trip atm lol.

It will come for you. Until then you will adjust and become more efficient on less sleep. How your little one sleeps is not a way to determine how "good" they are

Ignore, and maybe don't ask next time. Some people conflate good with easy.
My Dad would say my kids were being good if they were quiet.
My DH likes to confuse "good" with eating all their dinner.
I disagree.

In the gentlest possible way you are overreacting, probably due to sleep deprivation. For the first year I had a terrible sleeper and I was walking around like my nerves were exposed. It was a throwaway comment, it wasn’t meant to hurt you. Also most people don’t think of your kids as much as you do, so when she was making that comment I doubt she was making a comparison x

If you’re the one who asked her how it was when she had her nephew to stay and she just answered your question then I think you are being overly sensitive. Are you upset that she said he was good for sleeping? And therefore you’ve jumped to the conclusion that she’s suggesting your baby is bad because he does not? I think that’s just a generic thing people say and it’s not personal. I’ve also heard people call a toddler good for eating a vegetable! From your OP it doesn’t even sound like she’s commenting on your baby, or is there more to it that you don’t mention? Your mum sounds pretty unhelpful though, that would annoy me to no end!

Did you want her to lie and say he'd screamed the house down?

She's not a parent herself yet she's indulging you when you talk about baby stuff. That's good of her!

It’s completely random as to whether a baby less than a year old will be sleeping through the night or not. Luck of the draw.

Sounds like your friend thinks the fact her nephew slept through the night at hers is a reflection on her family members’ great parenting skills, which is ridiculous and I can see how that would annoy you.

When she becomes a parent, she will probably discover that it doesn’t work like that.

You’re a mum, you know better than her, you should just ignore her comments I think. Or just say “that’s great, they got lucky, they might not be so lucky with the second” or whatever (or maybe just think that to yourself).

Thanks everyone I do think I’m being a bit sensitive...I think it’s the wider notion that a baby sleeping through the night = a ‘good’ baby as if my little one is bad or we’re doing something wrong because he doesn’t. Of course I’d love it if ours did but I wish it wasn’t the only thing people mention. I know it sounds silly but it seems to be the first thing people seem to talk about and I just find it frustrating when we couldn’t do any more to facilitate our little boy having a good night sleep and he still wakes up so why is it always mentioned like the only thing that matters. I think with my friend it was probably just a generic comment on her part but it just came across insensitive when she knows how much I’ve struggled with the sleep deprivation - like she thinks my baby isn’t ‘good’ because he doesn’t sleep well

My friends DD was horrendous, I honestly don’t know how she coped. She woke up every single hour. She’s three and a half now and delightful, she was just a crap sleeper

By the by, try the rice. See what happens

Sorry but I agree you're over sensitive

My first slept amazing from day 1. Down at 10pm fed at 2am and 6am then asleep til 10am. By 6 weeks he was sleeping 7am until 6am. He was a breeze. Nieve as I was thought it was all down to routine. Boy did I get a rude awakening when DS 2 was born. He didn't sleep a full night until he was 5!

I agree with the others, and your tiredness can't be helping. So I do understand.

But what is wrong with baby rice before bed?

Ok reading these replies maybe I need a cold shower and a talk with myself in the mirror haha

I think you're being oversensitive but justifiably so. I remember there was a woman in my postnatal group who would go on about what a 'good' baby her very settled, brilliant sleeper DD was and it used to infuriate me as it felt like she was saying that her DD was somehow choosing to be good out of some sort of generosity of spirit and my DS must be choosing to be more difficult out of malice?! But I look back and realise that, while she probably could have toned down the bragging, she wasn't actually talking about my DS at all, that was in my head - and it's the same with your friend. She wasn't talking about your child or comparing the two, only you did that.

@ThursdayWeld nothing really, it’s just my mums answer to everything...the slightest noise he makes she shouts get him a bottle, obsessed with filling him up in any way possible lol

I think your friend means "good sleeper" rather than well behaved. I don't think she is trying to criticse or judge you.

Sounds like you're doing a great job, don't doubt your abilities based on how much he sleeps. It's mostly luck if you get a good sleeper or not.

@Hardbackwriter you’re right, think it’s me reading behind the lines too much. It’s hard not to as a first time mum when a lot of things are trial and error and you’re often doubting yourself but I agree she probably wasn’t saying it from a bad place

I don’t think she means anything by it but I can understand how you feel as a mum of a baby who was a really bad sleeper. I disliked people asking if he was a good baby; I’d respond by saying yes he’s brilliant, he doesn’t sleep but that makes him no less brilliant.
My DD was a fairly good sleeper but quite hard work in the day whereas my DS is a dream in the day but wakes a lot at night.
He’s now 14 months and things are a lot better though! Also my DD slept through at 7 months then regressed to not sleeping at 8 months so your friends nephew may not sleep so well forever

Oh, and people will stop going on about sleeping soon - they do it at that age because (in the nicest possible way) the babies don't do much yet. That's why mothers of newborns can spend hours talking about feeding and sleep - it is literally all their life consists of! The people who get competitive will still do it, but at least as they get older there's a wider range of ways to compare them. My oldest is now nearly three and I'm still in touch with the same group and there are still good and bad sleepers among them (though very much not all the same ones as were good or bad sleepers as little babies) but we don't talk about it very much and it certainly isn't such a 'defining' characteristic.

As a mum to a non-napping baby and toddler, I completely get you. When you are exhausted and sleep deprived, it DOES feel like a criticism of your baby and by relation your care of them. And yes we can all explain you're over sensitive and she didn't mean it etc but I just wanted to say I remember those tiring days and I totally understand what if feels like - my friend's baby was "good" for going down easily for a 2-3 hour nap every afternoon while I really struggled with mine to sleep at all during the day. It was painful to hear her "success" ie just good luck! So I just wanted to say I know and I hear you!

By the way, he's now a strapping healthy and super smart teen who I can't get OUT of his bed now, so it didn't do him any harm.

And sensible words from @Hardbackwriter don't take it to heart.

TBH, babies that young don’t do a lot else, so people naturally talk about sleeping/eating. My DN was always a brilliant sleeper (like her DF). The mums filling them up is natural too; my DH always says his younger brother looked liked the Michelin Man as their DM constantly fed him if he made the slightest grizzle.

I think the “good” isn’t referring to his behaviour (he’s not a bad boy for not sleeping) just that it’s a good thing (for the adults) that he slept through the night. The same way if you LO slept through you would say you had a good nights sleep. You’re oversensitive but even the most stoic people would be when sleep deprived! Give yourself a break.