Overwhelmed with motherhood

[Marie790]

My first post so please be kind. I have two boys, 2.5yrs and 4 mnths. I believe I had postnatal depression after my first and perinatal depression during second pregnancy. Likely have it as I write this too. I love my children feel overwhelmed with motherhood, the lack of sleep, the constant mess, tantrums, nappies, etc etc. I feel I have completely lost my 'old self'. I am so busy with the children I have no down time or escape. I lack patience with my eldest who can be s handful. I feel resentful that I have no time to myself and hate the constant noise and chaos. I feel I am failing as a mum. My husband is hands on and my parents help out too but despite this I still feel out of my depth and on the whole don't enjoy being a mum. Any advice?

It’s an old fashioned, patriarchal notion that motherhood is a blissful thing that we should enjoy every second of. There are a few who I’m sure do, but the vast majority find parenting to be a stressful, monotonous slog to varying degrees. You are in the absolute thick of it at the moment - it doesn’t get much more overwhelming then a newborn and a toddler. You are 100% defined as a mother as, at the moment, it takes up 100% of your time and brain space. This balance will change - probably not for a while but it will change and readdress until you eventually start rediscovering and having time for things that make you ‘you’. It is also completely normal and healthy to mourn and miss your ‘pre-baby’ life - it doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.

In the short term, how is your mental health? Do you think you may still be suffering from depression? If you think there is even a chance that could be the case please speak to your GP - there are great services out there and you don’t need to suffer alone. Also, do you have your toddler full time? If finances allow it would you consider a day or two in nursery? Obviously it’s not fully ‘you time’ as you’ll still have your newborn, but it’ll reduce your work load. Sleep deprivation is also a killer - it’s great to hear your OH is hands on, does this include night time as well?

Oh god love you you’re right in the trenches. You are not alone in feeling this way. I did too at that stage and that was without any PND. It’s so lonely and relentless and draining. It feels like a forced march.

I echo PP’s advice about speaking to your GP if you feel there’s PND adding to the background feeling of everything feeling such a bloody slog.

I’d also second the advice to look into getting the toddler minded for a few hours a week if at all possible- even if only to allow you to fall asleep with the baby for a bit. It’s a life saver. TBH I used to find even escaping to the supermarket for an hour once DH got home was manna from heaven.

All I can say is it gets better. Mine are 4 & 6 now and there’s just no comparison to the early days. Yes I still work hard parenting them, but I can actually cook a dinner without needing to be instantly interruptible, I can even sit down with a cuppa for a few minutes and flick through a newspaper while they play. I also work PT and people know me as “Competent and Professional RedLem0ns the individual human” rather than simply “MUUUUUUUMMMMM!”

It gets better. Huge handhold and solidarity for now

It does get better. Can you try to take half an hour a week for you-even just a walk round the block? Get a cleaner?

It sounds like you need a rest OP, you sound exhausted x

Oh your post brings back memories! Mine are 7 and 5 now, same age gap as yours. Get the PND sorted if possible and get the 2 5 year old in a childminders/nursery 2 mornings/, afternoons a week it will save your sanity that's what I did. Also sleep sleep sleep whenever you can. This it your hardest year then it gets easier I promise x

My advice from ‘being in the trenches’ as you are is do anything that pleases you. Even if it’s difficult or inconvenient or ‘not for children’

Ie ; me and my dh are artists, all my dc have been dragged round exhibitions (one exclaimed aloud how boring it was)

I went to places I wanted to go, the woods to sketch, the sea to get a breath of fresh air

In short I got selfish, I grabbed any excuse to do what I wanted (with the kids Whilst I was a sahm) And then bargained with dh to do stuff alone.

I appreciate this is not always possible but even once in a while made me feel human. My first ever cinema experience with my eldest was a film I wanted to watch

Obviously we have done loads of stuff together and done soft play etc but every once in a while just do what you want to do

I have exact same age gap as you and also two boys. They are 1 and 3 now and I am finally coming out the other side (a little). I also had a bit of post natal depression with first and definite prenatal depression with second.
You are at the hardest bjt and I promise it gets easier. Mine have just started to play together a bit and it is fantastic.
My 3 year old is still quite trying! You aren't alone and you are doing a great job I promise.
I now have some time every evening and it makes such a difference. Once your littlest is a bit older, very soon, you'll have a little bit of time after bedtime and it will be amazing x

I'm with you here. I have a 3 year old and a 3 week old. I haven't slept for more than 3 hours straight in a very long time and sleep deprivation is definitely getting to me now. Like everyone else has said I keep reminding myself that these are likely to be the most challenging and hardest times of my life and I remember from my first just how quickly those 3 years have gone and the next 3 years are likely to go just as quickly. I also had PND after my first and when she was 4 months old it peeked, I had started to consider taking my own life but I got help and went on antidepressants and I can honestly say from then my life changed and I started to see a light. Please go and see you your gp if you are feeling depressed. You aren't alone

It can be so so hard at times. Mine are 10m and 23m. I just threw money at the problems (not that I have much but I make the sacrifices to pay for these things). Got a weekly cleaner, sent oldest to nursery 2x a week, worked on strict routine to sync naps, meal prep baby food. I lay clothes out for everyone the night before. I make the effort to dress myself (ok just leggings and a clean top) and put a bit of make up on in the morning so that's it done for the day. Caught sight of myself in the mirror in the early days and didn't recognise myself. When I start earning again I'm thinking of sending youngest to nursery for a morning or two a week. We just do what we can, take it easy on yourself and big breaths, or step out the room briefly when it starts to get on top of you.

Hi OP, no advice but with a 2.5 year old and 3 month old I’m right there with you. Currently feeling very overwhelmed and lost in the role of motherhood and was on here looking for words of comfort. I know this is the hardest part and it will get better but currently finding the day to day very hard - trying to muddle through as best as I can. Also have a hands on OH and other help a few days a week but on little sleep it’s hard. I tried to get some help from the mental health wellbeing team last week but they haven’t got back to me, so don’t know what else to do. Hugs to you x

Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I am going to contact my gp next week. Saying that I had a great day today, can be so up and down. @Corilee2806 I hope you hear back asap, took courage to contact them. You could try your health visitor too? @AlexaStop totally don't recognise myself atm. Thank you for your advice. Also hating how I look as I'm always tired, no make up, not looking after myself. Want to try fit in some exercise each week but not sure how. @happyface42 thank you for sharing your experiences, I'm pleased you sound like you're out the other side? X

@Marie790 definitely do contact your GP, I know what you mean about having good days then doubting yourself - but it’s still worth talking through your feelings especially if you don’t feel you’re out of the woods yet. I find I have about 50/50 manageable v unmanageable days at the moment! at the time I was really glad I called and it all sounded promising - was expecting a call back with a plan last week but looks like I’m going to have to chase. That has dented my confidence a bit as it makes me feel like I’m not a priority now and perhaps I was making a fuss after all. Trying to remember I called for a reason!

It's only 5 years.. then they are off to school... 9 to 3 or whatever. Some time for yourself. It does get easier until the dreaded teens.. chill with relaxing music in the car or whenever. It's the enormity of it 24/7. Trust me .. it will get better. Out of nappies helps. They are the bond. Use in laws or friends or parents free childcare offers

It's only 5 years..

That’s not much comfort - five years is a very long time!

I only have the one DC (aged 13 months) and regularly struggle with that, so can’t fathom how people cope with two. You’re doing a grand job OP, even if you don’t think you are.

I also really relate to the posts about not recognising yourself anymore. I spent the whole of today cooking, cleaning and dealing with a temperamental, teething toddler. I finally got some “me time” at about 9pm when I’d finished everything that needed doing, but my god I’m tired. It just never stops.

Sorry you feel like this OP. The fact is, motherhood is a dreadful drudgery and you don’t discover that until it’s too late. Humans aren’t meant to raise their offspring alone; historically they would have lived in small communities, and even 100 years ago most mothers would have had domestic help to cope. But that’s no longer the norm and it’s an increasing struggle for women to manage. You just have to hold it together and put up with looking and feeling like shit for the first few years until they’re 4 and go to school.

@Marie790 I feel a lot stronger in myself than I did and try to challenge my thinking now rather than always jump to the worst case scenario for example 'I will never sleep again' 'my life is over' 'my baby won't stop crying and therefore hates me and it will effect their development and therefore I've ruined their life!' which I used to do. Saying that I still have my down days, today being one of them and I honestly blame it all on the sleep deprivation, if I get a better night sleep things seem manageable but today I've found my 3 year old and her constant questions unbearable and my newborn was impossible to settle this morning which I think is down to reflux pain which made me cry and say 'I can't do this anymore'. However with my new hat on I'm now reminding myself I had a shit night sleep (not all nights will be as bad as last night was), reflux is temporary and she will grow out of it and if it gets to the point it's really bad I have the option of reaching out to the gp and my 3 year old is going to preschool for the rest of the week so I will have a break from her! Whereas when I was in the thick of it with my DD1 I would have swam in my negative thoughts and made myself feel 100s worse. I think another thing that helps me is to remind myself that if I ever do get as low as I was there is also always the option of going back to my gp and taking medication again.

Also just to add with my DD1 I used to also have the occasional good day and then talk myself out of there being anything wrong with me but looking back there definitely was and I was much better for getting the help.

No magic solution for you but I found the stage where my older two were the ages you’re dealing with now one of the absolute hardest. And with our third I found 4-6 months the toughest stretch also. So it will get easier, which doesn’t help you right now. But we found with all threet when the baby turns 6 months and starts eating etc. we came out of the all encompassing new baby tunnel. Good luck, you are the mum they need. And be easy on yourself. Remember you’ve been getting to grips with having a second baby when none of the usual things you might do to keep a baby and toddler entertained are available.

I think that’s normal with two small children!!! People have way too high expectations of what life and motherhood ‘should’ be like. I had 3 under 4 and didn’t have any hobbies or anything else on my life other than nappies, toddler groups, crafts, playgrounds, and cold tea for years!! I think I once went 5 days without a shower!!!!! Children take over everything really. For a short time. Mine are at school now (youngest is 5) and i have hobbies, I see friends that aren’t just mums of children the same age, I go out in the evening, and I look nice again!! I mean for now, you have lost part of who you are, but you also discovering an new part - being a mother of two. And you’ll come out of all this a different person again. 🙂 (In the mean time, try and do a few things a day that remind you of being you - whether that’s a book, a Netflix series, a gossip over WhatsApp with your friends about something unrelated to babies.)

Just giving you a handhold here, as I’m in the same situation! I have a 2.5year old and a 3 month old. Having a newborn and a toddler is hard!! X

....oh and definitely agree with the post about doing what you want to do!! When mine were toddler/babies I went to loads of exhibitions and galleries and stuff..toddler in buggy and baby in sling and they came along for the ride! As long as there was a cake stop and And opportunity to run about a bit my toddler was happy, and the baby didn’t care.

Can you go back to work OP? Even if you just break even with childcare?