Missing my mum after she died

[MamaOl93]

Just want opinions on this really (but please be kind, I’m really sensitive about my mum)

My mum passed away 18 months ago and in that time my dad has completely changed the house he lives in, wants to change it even more and then get rid of my mum’s clothes.

I’m not happy about this as it just feels like everything has been changed since my Mum died, and I said I don’t want you to get rid of her clothes, give them to me not charity shops if you’re adamant.

My dad then turned to me and said “you’re living in the past”
Living in the past??? This has really upset me. It’s my mum?
Am I wrong?

I’m sorry for your loss OP. While this isn’t at all about me I’d just like to say that I understand your grief as it’s 13 years since my mum passed. Over the years I’ve had to accept so many different types of grieving - those who have sentimental value to belongings (myself) and those who don’t (my dad, chucking everything and anything). It doesn’t mean your dad isn’t grieving, he’s just not attached to things the way you are. Just tell him how you feel and to please offer her things to you before getting rid. I sympathise because it’s so hard.

No, I don't think you're wrong. Everyone deals with loss differently and I think it's OK for your dad to want to move on and change things but it's equally OK for you to want to hold on to things. I guess it might be a lot to hold on to your mum's entire wardrobe forever. Perhaps choose some of your mum's most worn clothes or things she particularly liked or anything with memories attached. I think it's important you both respect each other's grieving process.

I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

@Vallmo47 thank you for your response 💐 I did tell him that I want them, but he just said that I was living in the past.

@ASomers thank you for your response 💐 if he allows me, I will!

I was told I'm living in the past after my mum died too, by a relative who is 56 and still lives with her mum.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

I don’t think either of you are wrong. It sounds like you are both grieving in your own different ways and those ways are right for one of you and not the way you’d go about it for the other. As hard as it might be, please don’t let the way you grieve ruin your future relationship with one another.

Pick out one or two things to keep and let the rest go. Your memories of your mum are not tied to a load of old clothes.

It’s not about right or wrong but I think after a year and a half your dad is entitled to move your mother’s clothes out of the house. Maybe seeing them there is hard for him.

Ive still got loads of my mums things, i dont want to let them go. You keep stuff as long as you want op.

You aren't being unreasonable - everyone grieves in a different way and it takes some people much longer to do some things than others. It's hard when the world keeps turning and you're not totally ready to let go of something related to someone who's died. Obviously it's not good to live in the past and ignore the present, but if it's part of the grieving process then that's ok.

Very big hugs to you - I lost my mum at 21 and it was painful. I hope you're doing ok

I've recently lost my Mum and we were very close but I don't expect my father to keep the place like a shrine. You have to move on - life does go on. I'm sorry but I do think you are being unreasonable after 18 months

Being told to move on when you aren't ready is awful. We all move on at our own pace.