People being excited about my baby is triggering me

[Court125A]

Hi mamas,

I am a new mum to a 7 week old boy. I don’t know why but I find it really triggering when my over the top family constantly ask me to bring the baby over and grab him and are fussing over him, it makes me extremely stressed and anxious. I’m not a mym that needs to be around my baby 24/7, my hubby has him and I go out/put him in his rocker etc but there is something strongly bothering me about anyone holding him and fussing over him in any way, I am happy and comfortable if I have him and they just look at him. Why do you think this is? I can’t shake the feeling although I hide it well and everyone says I’m really relaxed. Certain people that are more chilled out and respectful don’t bother me as much, but there is something that makes me feel angry even if people just come right over and stare at him, it’s a wave of emotion I have never felt and can’t shake?

Oh I totally get this feeling... I was exactly the same when I had my dd. I'd be happy for people to visit but then when people came round, I'd feel overwhelmingly like taking her off whoever was holding her. I remember my mum holding her and I had to go upstairs to cry because I felt like she was stealing my baby away from me (she was just holding her granddaughter). Although we weren't in lockdown, I was actually pleased to have covid as an excuse not to pass her around everyone.

She's now 9 months and I can sometimes feel a bit like this but it's far less overwhelming and I can rationalise it better. I think partly lockdown hasn't helped as I'm not used to seeing my dd with others.

I think your feelings are very normal and I bet more feel like this than would admit it. You've got a brand new baby that you're just getting to know and bond with. You've got all those hormones too which really can bring out the fierce 'mama bear' instincts.

I sympathise as I know how hard it is but you will find things easier over time.

I absolutely LOATHED other people holding my baby when she was little (not my husband but other family)

I can’t really explain why although I suspect hormones played a big part! I still feel like this sometimes but nowhere near as bad at 10 months

Someone once told me that no one would try and take a newborn cub off their bear mother. I think it’s perfectly natural way to feel and it does fade as your baby gets older and capable of expressing their own feelings and choices. I did used to let people hold me my babies but only for a short time and then I would openly but (hopefully!) gently & politely say that I wanted my baby back now. I loved the cuddling newborn stage.

I think you are using the word triggering blithely and it’s annoying.
Otherwise, your feelings are perfectly normal and are likely to pass in a normal way/timeframe.

I hated this too.

My sil and mil would say ds1 was "everybody's baby" and I would say he's not actually. He's my baby.

I really felt they would take him from me if they could. Sil told me privately she felt the same about her mum (my mil) when she'd had her babies long before me.

I will try and remember how I felt if I'm ever lucky enough to be a grandmother.

Ahhh how? I am getting triggered by it to the point where it gives me intense anxiety. But okkkkk Karen

I was going to say what's with the triggering comment too... Just seen you've thrown a Karen out there as well. YABVU.

Be respecful to posters OP, especially when they are offering supportive comments.

You do use “triggering” in an unusual way. And I can’t be bothered to offer advice or support now you’ve used the word “Karen”.

Argh OP! What is up with the ‘Karen’? So bloody rude. I really hate when people do that.

If you’re asking for advice OP it’s inappropriate to be so dismissive and rude.

OP triggering is used mostly for people who’ve experienced prior trauma and hence a certain situation will directly call to mind the trauma.
It’s sometimes used to suggest the notion of pisses me off/upsets me. But it’s not really meant to mean the latter.
The Karen comment is a bit nasty and uncalled for, but equally it’s not the point of your thread whether triggering was or wasn’t the right phrase.
It’s perfectly normal (not sure why but it’s presumably natural instinct to protect) to (certainly in my case) to get royally fucked off by people describing your hard come by baby as theirs and to watch them pass a baby around like it’s just a toy (iyswim).

Please please don’t call other women “Karen” in that way. It’s so misogynistic and designed to bring us down and tear us apart. Respect other women. If we don’t respect each other, who will?

Just let it pass, no one else will give a flying fuck about your precious child a few months or years down the line.
They are not being unkind, just unclench.

I actually have severe anxiety around it so the word triggering is appropriate.. I do get triggered by my family doing it and it is really distressing. I wasn’t responding to all the lovely ladies offering their advice, it was to the commenter who said I used triggering in the wrong way when they didn’t really need to comment that. Anyway!! Thank you to everyone who have given advice xx I will try and relax

It's pretty normal and part of the savage mother instinct that allows us to protect our babies. Don't fight it . Just being aware of what it is and knowing its all part of the process will hopefully help to alleviate the anxiety.

Dd is 18months old now and i still get anxiety leaving her with other people. Im better with my side but theres still that anxiety. In laws have never had her and i have no immediate plans to let them. It was a while ago, but im sure i wasnt like this with my 1st