To dread reception age play dates !

[Londonmummy00]

In the last few months play dates in my daughters class (reception) have just exploded. We went from nothing at all in September, not even outdoors, to suddenly kids going to each other’s houses every friday, weekends even mid week. My DD is very social and really into this play date thing, having a friend over, showing her her house and pets, brothers, her toys etc. But after doing this full on for the past 2 months I’m feeling really burnt out!
My DH has a unique work situation and is away A LOT usually during the week. The 2 days he’s home a week we try to minimise all other things and focus on time as a family/ as a couple. Which means it’s week time only play dates for us.

I feel awful and guilty and i do know it’s beneficial for my DD (well I’m not actually sure how beneficial in reality because of the following...)
ALL play dates end in crying and a tantrum by my DD. To the point where one mum on picking up her child had to say to my DD that her DD couldn’t come again if she was to behave like that! My DD had just thrown herself crying on the front garden as they were leaving. She does this every time, despite me saying to her that is not how we behave, and offered her alternatives such as politely saying goodbye to her guest and thanking them for coming etc. She also has started to have these tantrums mid play date too about the smallest thing. My DH says it’s because she’s over tired from school and to leave the play dates for now. I’ve told her that too which results in another tantrum.

On the actual play date she’s fine, shares etc until she gets a trigger for a tantrum (doesn’t always happen in play dates but ALWAYS at the end) If she’s at a friends house, then she doesn’t want to leave. I have to actually physically pull her away with her begging me to stay over for a sleepover!!!! (especially with girl- friends who have other sisters so lots of girls together) However luckily that hasn’t resulted in full blown tantrums on the floor yet.

After a play date she’s very tired, rubbing her eyes etc. Behaviour gets worse, so we start to wind down and do bath time, stories etc and she’s asleep gor 6.30pm (usual bedtime is 6.45/ 7pm)

Her behaviour is really tiresome for me to deal with, and i also have 2 other DS’s. But it’s not just that. I am really annoyed how much the house gets trashed after these play dates. Her room especially where most of the toys are- boxes are emptied, hair bands all over the place, they get the dressing up boxes out of course everything gets tipped out while they choose the perfect outfit. Then one changes her mind doesn’t now want to dress up. Snack wrappers everywhere. Dinner hardly ever gets eaten by the friends! I always make sure to ask their mums what they like for dinner- i make that exact food but it barely gets touched (my dd eats it luckily) but of course if DD sees her friend not eating she then of course won’t eat too. The kids just seem to want endless snacks, ice lollies, sweets but actual dinner gets barely touched! and i do all kids friendly food! I think if there’s ever a next time i wi just do something simple like cheese and tomato mini pizzas. Everything else seems to be rejected unless it’s high in sugar!!!
Last play date, mid way my DDs friend started crying saying she misses her mum and she wants her mummy. I gave her lots of cuddles and sat with her trying to distract her with a netflix movie and an ice lolly (!!) as knew mum was stuck in traffic. Anyway the girl soon forgot all about it and we all played nicely until her mum arrived but no sooner was she out the door my DD was screaming on the floor that ‘’ you don’t care about me you only care about my friend’’ and ‘’you ignored me all play date and just care about my friend not me’’ and that wouldn’t be complete with a good old ‘’you don’t love me you now just love my friend’’!!!!!!
We did a very swift bedtime after that one.
Other things that have happened- one friend would constantly boast what she had at home, apparently 6 horses with a stable for each, a lol mansion house, 6 cats, 6 dogs etc etc she told me great detail on all. and all the languages she speaks. she then preceded to scribble all over my DDs colouring in picture, after she had finished it. She also scribbled on DDs homework. This caused lots of tears from my dd even though i tried my very best to play this down, i was also not too happy.
One didn’t speak through the whole play date
One only wanted to watch tv and absolutely nothing else
One demanded a take away as she doesn’t like ‘home made food’ (i ignored the request obv)
One that needed constant entertaining the entire play date where it was hard for me to even cook dinner/ go to the toilet

AIBU to just say NO MORE play dates!!!!!!! i’m exhausted and i’m sick of them. I have only really warmed to one child that has come over. The others I’ve found difficult in various different ways, but difficult. One or 2 i’ve actually disliked (and yes i know they are just children i feel very bad about that!!)

Other afternoons after school are lovely with my dd. We chat, do homework, eat together it’s lovely and calm. There are never any tantrums or disagreements.

DD is 5 btw and most of her friends are 5 too but some still 4.5. Play dates are usually 3.30-5.30/6pm.

Does anyone have any tips or advice to offer when doing reception play dates??

I don’t have this with my older sons. They have their mates over for hours and hours at a time and they’re so easy!

I also have a reception aged child who hasn’t had a friend in the house to play since he started school because it’s been against the rules to have someone from another house into mine for most of that time.

But honestly if they’re in after school club it’s not a problem. And I’ve always preferred to host (older sibling’s) friends outside or at a play park.

Are you somewhere in the world where the Covid indoors meeting up ban hasn't applied for the past two months? Lucky you! My DD has missed having friends over so much.

For now, I'd cut back to once a fortnight as it sounds like you're both overwrought from hosting. Make it feel like more of a treat than a routine thing. And definitely stick to basic kids' food like pizza and fishfingers to save you the hassle! But don't cut the playdates out completely because there will soon come a point where you don't have to stay with your DD and you'll come to love those precious hours of peace and quiet!

We have stuck to the rules since las year but in the past 2 months everyone’s just had enough. They are in the same class bubble, same after school and breakfast club. We have had no cases at all this year in the school, and i believe also no cases last year at the school.

I think park from now on sounds a better plan. Just the weather is so unpredictable currently and some days quite cold

I also dread loads of play dates!

I would be saying no my play dates I'm afraid

This sounds really tough. Do you give your child warning when it's time to leave? My DD is highly emotional and I can relate to a lot of what you said, particularly the trashing of the room. Kids like rules so set your store out from the beginning. Dinner is at X time. You will all be expected to sit at the table. You don't have to eat it but there is nothing else. 5 minute warning before dinner arrives so they know. When it's time to go, 10 minute warning, then 5 minute warning. Then 1 minute warning if needed. "Go on kids, help X put their shoes on/find their coat" etc.

Could you try limiting the play dates to during the week only and then have the weekends as family down time?

Hi everyone,
Yes i think limiting them from now on sounds best. However i feel we are both sucked into them as ‘everyone’s doing them’. So my DD wants friends over as she sees them going home after school to friends houses etc. Then i don’t want my DD to miss out of course and be that girl who never does playdate so i agree to them all too quickly and easily. But in reality they are no fun for me and just stressful, for my DD. And yes it’s been an overload recently.
I’d say partly as more and more parents are having the vaccine/ have had both doses/ the opening up on monday/ and just generally parents saying these are kids who are in school all day long together and a child coming over for 2 hours to continue playing from school isn’t the same as a bunch of adults having a party inside. I dunno, but all i do know is everyone and their dog it seems are having play dates indoors again.
I think partly fridays after school is just so tiring . They’re tired after a full week at school and it’s probably an early night and it’s some down time she needs on a friday night not play dates and tantrums x

I do usually give a 5 min warning to get shoes and coat on i need to do this even more so with a 10 min warning too

We haven’t started back up yet but DD was a total nightmare (in the rule of 6 season) with play dates. So many of the same things as yours, right down to hating that you are nice to their friend . We had a great tantrum where DD faked an injury after I was kind to the friend who fell over.

I think it’s a weird situation for them. Their house, their toys and their mummy. It unsettles them I think. They aren’t getting downtime from school either.

I was quite strict and said that I have to look after her and her friend. I reminded her that we have to share. I praised good sharing and then made a big fuss of DD post play date. Some friends are better than others too.

I know you said that you try to keep weekends for family time but I think your problem is that it’s too much at your DDs age to have a whole day of school and then a play date. She’s over tired by the end and easily triggered into a tantrum.
In terms of food I wouldn’t worry about the guest child not eating; they’re in a new place without their parent so it’s not unusual that they don’t want to eat. My DD is slightly younger but when she has friends over they do make a huge amount of mess but I make sure DD helps tidy up once they’ve gone.
Instead of an actual play date could you meet another mum and child in the park after school for an hour so that it’s not so long for your DD and you can control when it ends

If would stop playdates for a bit and when resumed, I'd make them much shorter - so finish at 4.45 or 5pm at the very latest. By dc3 I was pretty ruthless. Any kid who was annoying / badly behaved didn't get asked back.

Wow with lockdown restrictions my DD has managed 3 play dates in the whole of her reception year. I hate play dates as I have 3 kids one of whom is under 1 and its a PITA to have another kid in the house. I'm an introvert and hate having to organise play dates with other mums I've loved lockdown and am not looking forward to the fact that you can now have 2 families indoors from Minday as I'm sure my daughter will be begging for play dates again.

I would sit down with your DD and explain your ground rules for behaviour during a playdate and if she doesn't follow your rules then she doesn't get another one. Could you make it a short one where the parent comes too or tell the parent to pick up before dinner so your DD has some time to relax

EchoLinaYankee thank you for sharing your experience especially with your DDs friend falling over! It’s good to know this isn’t just happening to my little girl alone.

And thank you for reminding me as it’s true it IS their mummy, their house, their toys.
In the moment it’s very easy to get so frustrated with my DD that I need to remind myself that she’s more sensitive and emotional than i thought.

Still, I’ll be slowing way down on the play dates from now on.

It definitely sounds like it is just too much for her at the moment. I think it would be fine to scale it back to every few weeks instead.

You can surely out a pause on these play dates. Why are you even doing them? Parents are not held at gun point by their kids to have friends over, so you’re letting this happen.
Definitely stop all the snacks with wrappers etc. If you have a kid over feed them their main meal straight after school when you’ve made it and when they’re hungry. Kids are super hungry after school why wait and feed them dinner around 5 or 6. They’re often ready for bed by then, just my thoughts of course.

Your playdates are far too frequent and far too long. One a week, finished by 4.30, dinner on the table by 4.45pm, at the very most.

What about saying that anything in the week is just the park, indoor playdates restricted to 1 day at the weekend maximum? That way you wouldn’t have other children at your house so often (it’s totally ok to dislike other people’s children!) and might avoid a bit of the overtiredness issue in the week. It’s probably taken off in such a big way after being banned for so long, I’m sure it’ll settle down a bit soon.

Nope, sounds far too much like hard work. I do maybe one a term if I can be arsed.

You are doing the right thing by slowing them down. The trouble is she won't exactly be showing herself in her best light in front of the other parents when her friends are collected, which could make the other parents think over tired tantrums are representative of her normal behaviour. I know I avoided allowing mine to have the less well behaved over when they were little.
You said she is the youngest with older brothers, in the nicest way, is she treated like the little princess?

Overdueop
YES how did you know, in every sense. It’s now very embarrassing.

I've seen it in my family, with cousins and even amongst my own siblings - one sister and I were close in age, then there was a 7 year age gap between us and the little princess. With us it was fine because my parents were quite strict with behaviour, but with my aunt's children the youngest even now is allowed to act like the little princess, and she has a child of her own.

Just stop. You don’t need to tell her that it’s because of her behaviour, just say not today/this week, and agree to arrange something soon. When she is invited, you can just say we are not doing any play dates at the moment, as DD is too tired in the evenings. Going to the park for an hour after school is an easier thing to do.

No playdates here due to the fact we are following covid restrictions.