Please help at wits end with two under 18 months

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Older mum blessed with a baby at 39. So we thought better just start trying for number two as number one took a while. And pregnant straight away. So I have a 15month age gap and an 8 week old. I’m truly grateful for them. But.....

The 17monyh old is constantly whining and having tantrums. He’s had a rough ride with a new baby and new teeth but it’s incredibly wearing. He can walk but wants/needs carried a lot and my pelvic floor took a battering. After a bad day with him my slight incontinance is worse for several days. He is a previously good sleeper but waking at five or five thirty after the baby has finally settled from a 3:30 feed (bad wind takes hour to hour and half to settle).

I’m lucky because older is at nursery two days a week and I’ve got help in for a couple of hours twice a week on non nursery days. She basically holds the baby so I can play with older one.

Partner is hands on but emotionally crap at understanding.

I’m struggling so much with being awake from about 3:30 most days once all is said and done (by the time baby is done and toddler is up is about thirty mins) and the constant whining and tantrums, struggling to give baby any attention or have uninterrupted feeds. My OH gets the toddler up but he’s v noisy and usually in my room by 6 at the very latest and tantrums worse with partner so I try and preserve time with me esp around bed times/ mealtimes and get up times.

Not sure what anyone can say but just wanted to let it all out... I worry I’m going to steam at the toddler or be rough or something and most mornings I’m just sick with fatigue and trying to plaster a smile on.

Can you increase the 17mo nursery days? I can imagine it's hard!

It will get easier. But yes it’s very tough.
You’re in the survival stages of parenting right now.

Take care of yourself, take all the help you can get and take any small win that you can

I had a similar gap and I was on my knees for a while.

My advice is to get more help. More nursery time, more help at home. Try to minimise the time you’re on your own with both because it’s so hard to meet their separate needs when it’s just you.

Thanks both. I’m reluctant to increase nursery because he doesn’t nap well at all and the evenings and sometimes the days after are hard. He loves it but it’s almost too much for him. Trying to find more regular babysitting type care in additional to the lady I have but not much around at short notice. It also seems to unsettle him more having relative stranger in the house and I’m aftraid to say I’m embarrassed by his behaviour, which I guess he may be picking up on

My 2 and 3 year old are 15months apart and it does get better. The first few weeks are so tough and my older toddler absolutely fell apart with the shock of the new arrival. I found it a bit easier after about 6 weeks when I was back to myself and again at 12 weeks when the baby was in a bit more of a routine.

I don't really have any advice except to take all the help you get and just try and get through the early days as best as possible.

It's hard when the second one comes along, especially when they don't sleep well. For me (and I appreciate it's not for everyone) cosleeping saved my sanity when my younger ones arrived. Having the baby in a sling a lot was also good as it gave me my hands free so I could do other things / eat lunch / play with the toddler and also settled them a lot more

Oh has to find better ways of helping in the morning. Can he settle the baby? Or otherwise at 5am - he should either be trying to help them sleep better (short term noisy pain all round but worth it in the long run) or taking them outside. It's light in the mornings so even if that means a 6am buggy walk through the park, it's good if it means sleep.

Be kind to yourself, get help if you can with all the practical things from ready made food to cleaning. Also talk to friends for sympathy and maybe some support - I was a younger mum than most of my friends, and now that they are having babies and mine are older toddler onwards, I'm always genuinely happy to have an opportunity to hold a baby for a while or play with a younger toddler, and to listen to them talk about their birth/ exhaustion/ sudden hatred of their husbands etc, hopefully you have friends who are the same. Good luck and it does get easier, really!!

I've got a 17 month gap - they're now thankfully teenagers. It really will get better, anything you can do to make your life easier do it.

Slightly controversial but I sleep trained Gina ford style. I was a single parent with mine from the baby stage onwards and I had no ability to care for them if I didnt sleep. They both went down at 7 (bath, bottle, bed) and I went to bed shortly afterwards.

Could you temporarily swap your nursery hours to 4/5 mornings instead of the 2 full days? Toddler could get dropped off at nursery with Dad in the morning, giving you some more rest time then you could pick up after lunch and I’m assuming toddler would nap? Then you’d just have the afternoons to power through and would hopefully feel like the time you were getting together was more quality time rather than being exhausted 3 days and struggling?

I had an 18 month age gap and remember just the first few weeks being hard. Difficult to cope with what suddenly seemed like a huge toddler compared to a tiny baby, but in reality he was still only little himself and felt at the time quite boisterous with the new baby.
I had no help whatsoever and a dh who always seemed to be working.
I napped with them both when they were a little older and co slept so I am sure it made a huge difference.
I felt it was a bit like having twins and recall endless amounts of nappy changing.
We settled in to a routine and they turned out to be great little playmates. What I would give to turn back the clock to those days now.

Yes spreading hours over the days then maybe a good alternative.

OP I just want to add also- mine are 5 and 6 now and they are the absolute best of friends, they have a lovely relationship. There is a massive upside to the small gap and you will get through this bit

Thanks changing nursery hours to mornings only is a good thought. He was a Gina Ford baby and did sleep 7-7 till recently. I think he’s got overtired and out of routine. Thanks so much for the kind words, they mean a lot a the moment