Feel like I'm loosing my 4 year old little girl

[mum22bubbs]

So it's a bit of a long one, me and my daughter have always been super close. Until lockdown happened or her baby brother was born, it was so close together I don't know what one it was if either that made things change. I just feel like I don't know who she is anymore, she acts very different, her behaviour can be awful. Refusing to eat foods she used to love, temper tantrums, acting out in ways of jealousy towards her brother and she's recently started hating things she used to love like swimming, I keep trying but the past 3 times I've taken her to her lessons she's just cried! I've tried to do one on one time but she just isn't interested and I'm at a complete loss...

Forgot to say she's now started to complain of stomach and chest pain and I don't know if it's genuine or for attention, I will be ringing the doctors in the morning to try and get some guidance.

I had the same when my youngest dd was born. I promise it takes a bit of time but it does get better and the closeness returns .

She sounds very normal for a 4 year old - is it possible you are expecting too much - expecting to be having a very close relationship and for her to be very well behaved - and she is picking up on your anxiety?

Definitely take her to the doctor, but stomach issues are well known to be linked to anxiety/upset in children as they don't have the vocabulary or understanding to articulate their feelings, so express them as a sore tummy or similar.
I would really ramp up the 1:1 time like you have been doing, I think more likely to be new baby than lockdown. Have you heard of love bombing? Would be a good tactic to try.

I have exactly the same situation with my 5 year old currently after the birth of my 5 week old. She's so different and her behaviour is awful at times despite me and dh putting a lot of effort into maintaining the time with her. I'm just hoping it improves as dd2 grows up a bit and she gets used to her. There's been so many other changes going on for them as well the past year.

4 is a difficult age anyway and then she has had a new baby brother and lockdown. She needs some patience and understanding and do 1:1 time maybe outside the house - it doesn’t have to be exciting, in fact it’s better if it’s not super exciting- just going to the supermarket together to pick up a couple of things, reading a book, snuggling on the sofa and watching a film. A little bit of babying is no bad things, cuddle her like a baby and let her even when she is as old as you that she will always be your little baby.

Thank you so much for replying, I was at a complete loss of what to do. We spend most Wednesday out of the house and do swimming and gymnastics together which she used to love. I'll defo be making more time just for little things with her, it's just so hard I thought the difficult/ distance years were to come when she was a teenager not 4! Thank you all so much for you help and advise xx

I think they really just go through patches at this age, and maybe every age, but it was about 4 I really started to notice it.

My DS will be a dream for a while, sweet and loving and biddable and kind to his sibling. Interested in everything and cheerful. Then he'll have a patch where he is tearful and rude and argumentative and constantly picking fights with his sibling and I feel hopeless that my lovely boy has gone off the rails.

It's peaks and troughs. Try to ride out the tough phase with calm, consistent parenting and making sure she isn't getting away with bad behaviour but is also getting lots of positive attention and love. She'll come out the other side (for a while at least!)

I only had 16 months between my two, so slightly different, but I remember the jealousy etc. I made a point of having DD beside me on the sofa and reading her a simple story or singing nursery rhymes while feeding the baby, so she wasn’t excluded.
I made a point of praising all the things she could do as a big clever girl that the baby couldn’t do yet, and she preened and gloated happily!
We also had lots of one to one time while baby napped.
When DD put her dolly in the baby’s bouncer chair and scowled at me as if expecting to be told to remove it, I did the opposite, saying that Billy the doll looked very comfy and the chair was a nice fit, and would she like to rock him. DD was surprised, and started to smile. I then asked if Billy would mind letting baby have a turn in “his” chair, and she graciously agreed!
I think it takes a little time, and lots of consideration for the feelings of an anxious child who feels they have been supplanted in their mum’s affection by a younger cuter sibling, but eventually you can reassure her that she is still loved and wanted.
My two were very soon playing happily together wrecking the house

When little children tell you they have stomach/chest pain but aren't physically ill, it's usually because they're describing the physical sensations of emotions they aren't old enough to understand and explain any other way.

E.g. anxiety, sadness, fear, panic, homesickness, etc etc - they all cause physical painful sensations in your chest and stomach.

Hence phrases like "butterflies in your stomach" for nerves, and missing home being described as a "sickness" ... It's really common for children to tell you they have a tummy ache when they're worried about something, because that's where they feel that emotion.

It's not an "either it's a real physical symptom or it's made up for attention" scenario. She's communicating what's going on for her in the only way she can. Now you need to learn to listen.

Besides which, attention is a human need - especially for a developing child - so if she were asking for attention that would be a legitimate need being expressed, not something to dismiss or ignore or treat as "naughty" .

Good luck with it all.

I'm going through the same now with my just turned 3 year old and two week old ds.

I feel like I returned home to a complete different child

That was the age gap between my 2, it's so hard and I'm so sorry your having to go through it. I can't say anything changed for me but I hope it eases up for you and your little ones xx