I need to stop being a horrible shouty mum

[youngandbroken]

My 5 year old has always been a more difficult child than her peers, she isn't always naughty and she behaves beautifully for other people (so she does know how to behave nicely) and she can be so lovely and sweet when she wants to be. She just doesn't listen, at all. We have tried reward charts and praising good behaviour etc. But nothing works. This morning I have spent half an hour telling her off I tell her off for one thing, she immediately goes and does another. Not only is it exhausting, it is horrible for me, her and her little sister. I hate it, I hate who I have become. I do have no patience at the moment, I have severe depression with no support, health issues that are giving me alot of pain, financial strain and my partner is never here and so I'm also doing all of the housework on my own and I'm changing jobs which is nerve wracking and none of that is any excuse but I just feel like I am totally losing control. How do you get 5 year olds to listen - or more importantly - how do I stop being such a horrible, rubbish mum

*when I say she has always been more difficult than her friends I mean that she is very energetic, boisterous and loud and getting her to settle down and just sit quietly is very difficult. Her cousins and her little sister are all very calm and quiet in comparison. It's not a bad thing and she is very outgoing and confident which are positives, it is just harder to deal with at times.

What sorts of things is she doing? It sounds like she's the sort of child who is always 'busy' and if you're not keeping her busy then she'll find things to keep herself busy.....Perhaps you could try having a routine that is the same every morning and keeps her busy one way or another until it's time for school. That way she knows what's expected and when. Also perhaps get her doing as much as she safely can for herself as it sounds like she might be quite independent. Make sure you look after yourself as well - have you been to the doctors or do you have any family around to support you? Is getting a cleaner financially viable? You need help from somewhere xxx

Have you read the book How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen? I was really struggling with my 4yo, who WOULD NOT do as he was told... ever! The book has really great tips about getting children to cooperate in a fun way.

For example, child says they want some cake - but cake is not on the menu today, and it's nearly dinner time. Rather than saying, 'No, it's nearly dinner time,' and provoking yet another tantrum, you turn it into a game instead, e.g. 'Oooooo if I could have any cake right now, I would make it AS BIG AS THE HOUSE, and I'd decorate it with a million rainbow sprinkles. What would your cake be like?'

I have used this technique with my child, and it really does work. Five minutes discussing amazing imaginary cakes, he kind of forgets how we got onto the conversation in the first place, I haven't put my foot down and said no, we've discussed how amazing cake is, everybody's happy.

There are lots of different scenarios covered in the book - I do recommend it.

well this morning she pulled out all of the clothes from her wardrobe because she wanted to look at them apparently, then while I was brushing her little sisters teeth she decorated the living room with a whole pack of baby wipes, then refused to put her school shoes on and was throwing her toys at her sister (I think she was more trying to play catch than hurt her) which is obviously quite dangerous. We do have a loose routine in the mornings but I do think I need to find things to keep her busy while I'm dealing with my youngest (who is almost 2). I have been to the doctors, I've been passed around from service to service for over a year and nobody quite knows what to do with me so I'm just on a high dose of anti-depressants at the moment. I don't really have any family or friends I can lean on either and unfortunately a cleaner is out of budget at the moment (but might be feasible once I have started my new job).

@feathersandferns I have heard of that book I will definitely look into it, I think most have said that it helped them.

I think it's also a question of picking your battles. I lost my cool with my child this weekend because he pulled all of the books off his bookshelf in the five seconds I had my back turned. But instead of getting cross with him - which never goes well - I wondered afterwards if I could have made a joke out of it instead, and found a fun way to get him to tidy it back up. e.g. 'Oh my life, are you planning on reading ALL THOSE BOOKS today?! When will you find time to eat? Or wee?!' - get him giggling, then... 'Do you fancy listening to a story in a minute? Why don't you choose one or two from the pile, put all the rest back, then we'll have a lovely snuggle and read the ones you've chosen.'

It is VERY difficult to do this on the spot, but I think the more you reflect on it and come up with ideas about how you could have handled a situation differently, the better prepped you are for the next time something similar goes on.

A busy box or something for her to do during the mornings sounds fab. My 5 yo loves sticker books and they keep him concentrating for quite a while - could you have a special sticker book that only comes out when you're getting DD2 dressed?

Kids also love having real jobs to do. My 5yo can mop the kitchen floor fairly well unsupervised, believe it or not! You could have a different chore for each morning of the week to keep it interesting - watering house plants is another good one. Or pairing socks from the washing - or folding tea towels. My son loves piling up the reusable baby wipes when they're fresh out of the dryer. Children love being respected enough to be trusted to do grown up jobs. If you practise them with her to start with, then she'll be able to do them independently soon enough.

No advice but giving hugs as I'm the same atm with my almost 3 year old. I know she doesn't understand everything g atm but it still doesn't make it any less frustrating when she doesn't do a thing she's told or listen to me ever. I have to repeat myself so many times a day I feel like I'm going insane. She has a 4 month old brother and her dad and I are separating atm so it's a difficult ukt time for us all and I need to be more conscious of that I think

Kids also love having real jobs to do
I asked my 4 year old if they would like to help me put some clothes on the airer, "no thank you Mummy, I'm too busy" 😂

I think you need to be kind to yourself, it sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment.

The techniques above sound useful and I'm definitely going to try some of them myself. My 4 year old is also going through an awful phase of not listening or doing as they're told. Plus awful tantrums, much worse than I've ever seen before. It is really frustrating!

@feathersandferns - I literally just went and bought that book you recommend.. thanks 😅🤪 x