9 Week Old Won’t Settle - Wits End

[lucywho123]

Hi
For the past 7 days, my DD just won’t go back to sleep after waking for her first feed. We’ve not changed any routine and have been doing bedtime from 8/9pm continuously. She has a dream feed at 11 (expressed milk in bottle by DP)

I am tonight up and in total despair.

She woke at 12.30. Has been feeding (EBF) on and off since then. Everytime she latches off I settle her in the next to me (drowsy) but she’s crying out within minutes. She’s swaddled, we have white noise, she’s rocked, I’ve done everything to get her back to sleep, tonight’s particularly bad as she woke at 12.45 and here we are, nearly 2 hours later no closer to sleeping. Her awake times have varied from 12.30-3 all week and it’s the same for whatever time she wakes. 2-3 hours to settle, if she settles at all. She’s a great daytime napper but I can’t take much more of the night-time sleep deprivation, please help :(

Sounds totally normal I'm afraid! I don't think there's anything that you can do except go with it, keep nighttime boring and don't talk to her/play with her ect.
If she's feeding constantly it's probably a cluster.
The only thing I can suggest is that you take shifts with your partner. You could have a lot more months like it.

Unfortunately DP is back at work so shifts aren’t going to work. I do go to bed after she falls asleep at 9, but at the moment it’s 3/4 hours, she wakes and then we could be up all night. She was settling fine up until a week ago so is this not just a phase? I’m not sure I can take a few more months of this, I’m so tired

I'm really sorry because I know how exhausting it is, but that sounds normal enough to me. What's she doing in that 2-3 hour period? If she's unhappy you could look into reflux etc but it doesn't sound like that if you're getting good naps during the day. If she's feeding a lot, it's likely a grown spurt and/or feeding to up your supply.

I did see a sleep consultant say you should limit individual daytime naps to two hours, so you could try that if she's sleeping a lot during the day. Also keeping night wakenings dark, no eye contact, no playing etc to help her differentiate day and night.

Some mothers like to co sleep and feed lying down, I never liked it, and never wanted to start it, but if you think it might work for you, look to how to do it safely.

Lastly, make sure DP takes a shift, and catch up on as much rest as possible during those daytime naps. I was never any good at sleeping during the day (and DD1 only napped on me anyway), but even a sit on the sofa with Netflix, tea and a biscuit is restorative.

Taken me a while to write this at the end of an hour wake up with my ten month old, hopefully you've had something useful from someone else in the meantime!

DP being back at work is no reason they can't take a shift, unless they're physically out of the house overnight, or in a job where tiredness could kill someone. Even then they could cope on a little less sleep. Remember, plenty of women end up back at work in demanding solutions jobs and babies and toddlers who are shit sleepers. A job during the day is no reason to shirk parenting overnight

• demanding full-time jobs

I did see a sleep consultant say you should limit individual daytime naps to two hours, so you could try that if she's sleeping a lot during the day. Also keeping night wakenings dark, no eye contact, no playing etc to help her differentiate day and night.

We do all of this already hence my despair @MindyStClaire - it’s so tough. She’s not in pain, it seems to have got worse the more alert she’s got even though there’s not much to look at in a darkened room obviously.

I’m starting to hate BF’ing because of it and wonder if I just start her on formula to see if bottle feeding for night feeds mean she’s fuller quicker and so settles quicker?

I love DD so much but it’s really starting to get me down

I don't think anyone should be under pressure to breastfeed, but honestly it's just so normal to be up a lot at this age I don't think changing to formula would help. Any then you lose the convenience of just whipping out a boob Vs making up bottles, sterilising etc. Sadly you may have months of being up in the night, and it ebbs and flows. DD1 had silent reflux and was truly awful for the first seven months and then suddenly started sleeping through. DD2 was brilliant as a new baby but now at ten months has been up at least once a night for at least an hour for a few months now.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, you might just need to ride this out and figure out the best way to share the load with your partner and catch up on sleep during the day. Hopefully it's a growth spurt that you're nearly through now after a week.

@lucywho123 The first few months are so tough I could have written your post myself a few months ago! Mine fed for 20 minutes every hour through the night for a good few weeks, then took about 15/20 mins to settle, then back up 20 mins later wanting back on the boob. It was beyond exhausting!! If she’s constantly on and off the boob then she’s potentially having a growth spurt and it will pass! In my experience, DS goes through similar when he’s going through big stages of learning - have a look at The Wonder Weeks app to see about “metal leaps”. It’s been scarily accurate for my DS! I know it doesn’t help with your tiredness but sometimes just knowing DS was going through a certain stage helped me a bit because I knew there would be an end to it at some point!

Just to add, I had to stop EBF and switch to formula for medical reasons at 13 weeks and it made absolutely no difference to DS at all! If anything, he was a bit more unsettled during the night because the bottle made him a bit gassy. So please don’t expect miracles if you do decide to stop BF.

Does your DD sleep with a dummy?

I promise it does get easier. My DS got gradually easier to settle then we’d take a bit of a step back when he was going through a growth spurt or “mental leap”, then again it would get gradually easier when we came out the other side. My DS dropped his night feed on his own and first slept through the night the day he turned 6m old 😴

Thanks for your messages @MindyStClaire @KM38 - makes me feel less alone as I lay here with tears rolling down my cheeks. I feel like such a failure as other Mums tell me how their babies settle straight away after feeding 🥺 I’m lucky in the respect we don’t seem to have reflux issues, I should be grateful but I miss feeling like a human. Right now, I’m a tired milking machine. DP is great, but he’s in a physically demanding job so I don’t know what more he can do tbh. He already lets me sleep from 9 until whenever she wakes and brings her up after the dream feed (which I’m not even sure works tbh)

I do have the Wonder Weeks app - she’s going through Leap 2 funnily enough - but I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel with this. I’m craving a 5 hour stretch of sleep so much. Not too much to ask is it? I wish I could afford a night Doula for a few nights, just to catch up on sleep, although that is also only temporary I know

Sorry @KM38 - no she doesn’t sleep or take a dummy. I’m now 4 brands in and given up. She just spits them out or chokes herself when I try them

Have you considered looking into safe bedsharing? I know some people are totally against it, which is understandable, but it was the only way I was getting any sleep with my EBF DD. I had two older children and was genuinely afraid of driving with them all in the car because I was so tired. Once we started bedsharing it became much more manageable. She still moved to her own room at seven months, so it wasn’t a long-term commitment.

Sleep deprivation is no joke and my DD had me in despair so many times. This phase will end, though. You will sleep again. I promise.

@lucywho123

Thanks for your messages *@MindyStClaire* *@KM38* - makes me feel less alone as I lay here with tears rolling down my cheeks. I feel like such a failure as other Mums tell me how their babies settle straight away after feeding 🥺 I’m lucky in the respect we don’t seem to have reflux issues, I should be grateful but I miss feeling like a human. Right now, I’m a tired milking machine. DP is great, but he’s in a physically demanding job so I don’t know what more he can do tbh. He already lets me sleep from 9 until whenever she wakes and brings her up after the dream feed (which I’m not even sure works tbh)

I do have the Wonder Weeks app - she’s going through Leap 2 funnily enough - but I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel with this. I’m craving a 5 hour stretch of sleep so much. Not too much to ask is it? I wish I could afford a night Doula for a few nights, just to catch up on sleep, although that is also only temporary I know

Please don’t feel like a failure @lucywho123 I think you’d actually be surprised to know how many other mums tell little white lies about their experience! It’s easy to put on a front and want the world to think you’re “supermum” and have it all under control. In my opinion, if your baby is fed and safe and well then you’re doing amazing! If you manage to feed and wash yourself too then you’re absolutely bossing it! Anything else is above and beyond.

My best friend had a baby 2 months after me and he truly was a dream baby. No feeding issues. Slept in Moses basket from Day 1. Slept through the night from 8 weeks. Loved the swing and sling 😐 And here I was just about demented, getting 10 mins sleep each hour, house practically in ruins 😓
But I’m sitting here now with a 6m old who is sleeping through the night (I still can’t sleep though 🙄😂), weaning great and smashing all his milestones. Whereas hers now wakes hourly since being put in his cot and is not taking well to weaning at all!
All babies go through their own things in their own time OP! Hopefully this is yours’ fussy stage and you have a dream baby come 6m 🤞🏼❤️

Mine really struggled with a dummy at the start. Eventually MAM ones worked but that took a bit of perseverance. He was just using me as a dummy in the night for comfort a lot of the time and not even feeding.

And to answer your question...5 hours sleep still hasn’t happened for me yet and DS turned 6m this week ❤️ Even when he sleeps now, I can’t sleep because I’m worrying about him 😐

I agree with a pp about your DP working. Just because they are working doesn't mean they can't take a shift. You're not exactly sitting around relaxing all day when they're at work. You are working 24/7!

Please don't feel like a failure OP. I had a difficult baby and then a ridiculously easy one - even now she's not sleeping as well as she was, she's easy in every other way. If I'd had the easy one first I'd have been such a smug parent, as it is I know it's all pure dumb luck.

Hope she went back over for you and you got a decent stretch.

Oh and the other simple thing when you're on your knees - make DP get up with the baby on weekend mornings and give you a few hours to catch up on a bit of sleep.

Thank you for being kind. I really needed to vent to someone at that time of the morning

She actually went back to sleep for another 2.5 hours - i didn’t of course, typical - but I got enough to keep me going

DP gets up with her on a weekend - yday he took her down at 6.30am after she’s fed. Ultimately the problem is that I BF at night so there’s only so much he can do

I know I have no choice but to keep going until things get better, I think I’d survive better if I knew why she was taking so long to settle. As I do everything you read about but nothing seems to help. She just wants to stay awake for hours 😴

DH has heard the phrase "useless man nipples" more than once a week over the past few years! It does gradually swing towards a more even split though.

Unfortunately I think it’s just the way most babies are. My baby is 6 months old and has had some awful phases with sleep. 4-5 month sleep regression truly was a killer and we went through solid weeks of her waking every 45 minutes all through the night. She’s had a few days this week where she’s been really hard to get to sleep. Last night was a good night and she slept 9-2.30 then up again at 4.30. I don’t think my message is very helpful, just don’t expect any quick fixes! My baby is also EBF but all my friends with babies similar age are FF and they have exactly the same issues. It’s just a baby thing! My DP drives a lot for work so I don’t like him doing too many night wake ups but sometimes I get to the point where I have to hand her over on particularly bad nights for my own sanity! Hang in there, hopefully it won’t last forever!

@MindyStClaire

DH has heard the phrase "useless man nipples" more than once a week over the past few years! It does gradually swing towards a more even split though.

😂 I think I need to use this phrase also. Poor DP def does feel a bit helpless and I’m only expressing enough for one bottle - stupid boobs - so it’s hard to figure out how much more he can actually do at night bless him

Thanks so much @Sls668 - praying for better days. I know it’s a long game but it’s hard not to compare as always. Fingers crossed she masters a self soothe soon also which’ll help (famous last words)

I’ve just noticed you’re putting her down drowsy - have you tried feeding her totally asleep, then waiting until she’s really deeply asleep (floppy arm test) then put her down. Drowsy but awake doesn’t work for some. I feel for you, at that age a feed and then put down used to last an hour and a half quite often!

I have tried that too @Poppy709 I think oh finally, put her down and start Ewan the Sheep ... she nearly always wakes up within 2-3 minutes. The worst thing is up until this last week she’d only be this unsettled at night here and there. Which was bearable of course. Now it’s every single night after that first feed 😴