dd5, has become so quick to burst into tears, and very rude too.Is it ONLY becuase of the probs i am having getting ex dh to see her, or is this a normal phase?

[pirategirl]

I often post in lone parents, and I accept it's part of her being let donw by dad. missinghim, him lettingher down.

Yet, I am so aware that we are alone, that I put this newbehaviour soley down to that, yet surely its not just becuase of the situation with her daddy?

She is 51/2, and quite frankly I am getting really down myslef about her attitude.

I know she can't always be polite, becuase of her age, and she just blurts things out, but she has taken to really bursting into tears if I say no to almost anything.

Her manner is sukly and rude, and so unlike her. She is very bright and funny, and in the top of her class. Witty and all those things, but it seems she can behave very grown up when it comes to arguing and basically making me feel crap too.

I dont know i just feel like I am not getting something right, in the way I am dealing with her. I try to be firm, wihtout shouting, I try to understand without letting it that understanding actually excuse her.

help really. I find our relationship so intense sometimes.

bump

phase I think, my dd (5 and half too) sounds exactly the same and we are together so I dont think its circumstances its just 5 year old girls!

At least, I HOPE its a phase...

I am sure it is partly down to probs with your ex, as you say. but i also think you need to ask your GP or school for referral to educational psychologist or similar counselling, because you both sound very unhappy and stressed and you need some strategies to deal with the things that you cannot control. It is much easier to do this now, than let things carry on.

I have personal experience of this type of counselling and found it helped me to sort out better ways of coping. (Ds was being badly bullied at school - it helped us all to deal with it).

what sort of strategies did you learn, and what worked for you?

I'd be careful not to read to much into it. I've been there with the whole dad not bothered thing, and although dd did find it hard, I think sometimes it's us that feel worse about the whole thing than they do! If you are feeling guilty and getting down then it is bound to affect your relationship. I think maybe you could both do with a little space, how about doing playdates, so sometimes she has somewhere else to go after school and things to look forward to other than daddy's visits.

The other thing is that 5 year olds do tend to be a bit like that sometimes! I'm guessing she must have jsut started year 1, like my ds1. Its a big change from reception and a lot more work focused. It is exhausting for them, and a lot of her behaviour may jsut be down to tiredness.

chops, phew, I like your thinking.

Yes it does get intense with us, as she doesnt have anyone else, adult wise to spend time with.

She is all over the shop with her feelings about the dad who lets her down. One minute she loves him, the next she'll say she nevr wants to see him again.

She has a playdate next thursday, i really want her to be able to go soemwhere else, use her lovely skills in another environment.

Yes i guess we hurt for them, its hard not to let my adult feeligns feel about it it a way that maybe she doesnt? if that makes any sense at all.

I learned to make time to really listen to what he was telling me. Not to try to put his feelings into my words, but to ask open ended questions like "how does that make you feel?" and "what do you think might help", and above all to make sure he knew I was on his side, listening to him and always there for him. It is hard to put into words here - (I am looking after a poorly child today).

In my case, with the bullying problem, it helped me to realise that actually it was not ds's problem, he was not the cause of his own misfortune - (as the headmistress kept telling me he was), but it helped me to step back, look at things objectively, and make the decision to change schools.

Also - initially I didn't realise that the deterioration in his work, the bad temper, etc was due to bullying, because he was afraid to tell me. When I look back, it should have been obvious months before I realised, but I just wasn't paying enough attention. I was focussing on the symptoms, not the cause. Not your situation at all, I know, but, sometimes if we are not really listening to what they are telling us, we can reach all the wrong conclusions about why our children are behaving the way they do. It is very easy to misconstrue/ misunderstand what is really going on in a child's head - often, they will start a battle about something completely unrelated issue, somwtimes because they feel you can't or won't do anything about the real problem. sorry - I may not have explained that very well.

HTH

it is really hard for you and your dd at the moment, but it will get better. I think it is very true what you say about your feelings and children do respond to things differently to us.

maybe look at brownies or something as well - anything else to focus on.

If it's any help, my DD (5 in Jan) is a bit like this at the moment - bursting into tears at the slightest thing, full-on teenager-style sulks and storming off etc etc!!

3little, you have been helpful thankyou.

I always do that, ask her how that makes her feel. The problem I find is how to fix that answer she gives, as i have tried for 3 years to make him put her first, or at least spend quality time with her.

She just says, 'I know al that mummy, but it just hurts my heart' and variations on this.

Chopster She actually joined the school choir by herslef the other day pmsl!! Where I live there isn't much going on ( very rural) but I always try to take her out, as I passed my d test and we try to get out when we can afford too.

Its that feeling that you can't fix it i suppose.

Bramshott, how does it make you fel when your dd just acts as tho everything (denial of a biscuit) is like the world is going to end!! I get aggrivated, i shouldnt but i do!

pirategirl .

It is ok to tell her that you can't fix it.

Then you can reassure her that that doesn't mean that you, and she, have no control over other things in your lives. There will be other problems and challenges, but you can find ways to deal with them together. It might be an opportunity to help her to focus on the positive. It sounds as if she is pushing the boundaries and seeking reassurance. (if that makes sense).

Have to go now, will look in again this evening.

i miss her today. Hope i'm not relying on her too much.

I remember feeling like that, I think it is normal especially after separating to want to cling to them a bit, I know I did. Try to find some things to do for yourself too, to give you a sense of purpose other than being mum. I started an ou degree when I seperated from my exh.

i'm just having a 'lonely' sort of day i think. We split nearly 3 yrs ago, wel he walked out on us. I think its xmas coming, and not knowing what we r going to do for it.

have you family around to spend it with?

phase I think......DS1 (just turned 7) is still like it now (start around 5yrs old)...although does seem to be getting slightly better..

we had a pretty bad night last night. Lots of crying, of her saying 'i miss my daddy, i want him to come home' real wailing and weeping.

gut wrenching, and me trying to be calm and lovely and not having, again the answers.

then i have had to go to the opticians with puffy eyes, and before that got my car stuck, and had to scratch the bumper to get it out of a gap.

fuckity fuck.

today is crap!! oh yes, and the insolvency agency, are still asking me questions vai letter today about ex dh's recent bankruptcy.

hey ho.

just bumping for attention

((pirategirl)) days like that stink

There are no answers, what she needs is someone to just hear her and then give her a hug, so she knows its ok to grieve. I know you know that, but just in case it helps to hear it....

FWIW my dd does lots of tears and anger when going through loss of any sort. I think its really hard supporting a beloved LO through loss when feeling some oneself. Do you have people who can listen to you when you need them to?

WIshing you a better one tomorrow...

thankyou you are really sweet. I have a best friend who is wonderful, but in the usa!!! Yet I have her.

your girls are darlings!!!

pirategirl, I feel so sad for you. Do you belong to, or could you join, a support group - gingerbread - for example? You sound very isolated. I don't know where you are, but it sounds as if you don't have family around.

Sometimes, having the support of people in the same situation can help a lot.

how was your weekend, pirategirl?

Thanks, pirategirl

Sorry to have been slow replying, one of the darlings has a vomiting bug and has been keeping me busy/worried/away from the computer

How are things this week so far? How's your dd?

I also have a BF in the USA, but am lucky enough to have two others in the UK - one down the road. Its not the same when there's a huge time difference and you can't get to chat on the phone much, IME, but you're right - at least you have her!

And us MNers have each other