Long term foster care?

[ClaireH94]

Hi everyone, I've joined Mumsnet to ask for advice if that's ok?

I'm considering long term foster care for my child as I have been too ill to look after her. I have very bad anxiety and depression and I don't know how I'm going to be from one day to the next.

Recently I have been in and out of hospital and have had no one to look after my daughter. The hospital phoned social services and I had no option but to put her into foster care. My mum died a few years ago and I never knew who my father was. I have no brothers or sisters. I only have a few friends but they all have issues of their own and wouldn't be suitable to look after my daughter.

I have only just managed to start looking after myself again (cooking, cleaning, getting dressed etc). However, I still have panic attacks and up and down moods. I only have a community nurse who visits me once a week, and daily phone calls from the hospital. My social worker is now wondering if/when I can have my daughter back, or if they need to arrange care for her long term. The truth is there are no easy answers.

I want my daughter to be happy and safe wherever she is, but I don't know when I'm going to feel "normal" again. I'm wondering whether my daughter should be fostered long term, or whether I should have her back and try to manage again. I don't have very long to decide, but it's a difficult decision.

Claire

What a sad situation, I’m so sorry you are faced with this decision

I don’t know but I wish you well

I’m sorry... I don’t have any answers for you... only a hand hold.

Do you mind me asking how old your daughter is?

No matter how lovely the foster parent just about good enough care from a parent is better for children.
The trauma of growing up in care and the related attachment issues are life lasting.

She's 4

Would a mother-and-child foster setup be an option for you? Or your dd living part-time with you, and part with the foster family? I've no idea whether those options would be available to you, or if they would be better than the alternatives, but they might be worth discussing with your social worker?

RiaOverTheRainbow I have been considering that. I don't know if I can care for my daughter but I don't want to lose contact with her.

Are they asking you because your daughter is in a short term placement and would need to move? Are they offering any other support such as a family support worker if she returns home? I don't think the question should be just yes or no? It should be what do you need in place to have your daughter home. Hope you have had or can have these discussions with your DD's social worker.

I was thinking along the lines of Rio

Before making any big decisions I'd ask about more options.

Because right now you don't sound like you have the mental capacity to make such decisions as you have anxiety and you're anxious you aren't enough. You may well be. But you can't trust yourself to be.

With a long term back up you may begin to feel less anxious about your own abilities.

If that makes sense?

And you're absolutely a fantastic mum - considering what's optimum for their child despite it being a difficult decision is absolutely what a great parent does.

Good luck

I’m by no means an expert.

I do agree with the poster up thread that “good enough” care from a parent is vastly better than growing up in the care system.

Have you explored ways with SS or your psychiatric care team that you could be more/better supported to look after your daughter?

And crucially..., do you want to?

It's a very different situation you asking for your child to go into care because you know you're not coping and it being enforced by SS because you don't care. They should support proper contact and there should be no barrier to her coming back to you if your health improves. This is of course in a perfect world. In the current world where there is no money for children's services they will fight tooth and nail to stop you giving her up even if it's not in her best interests. What's your current living arrangements ?

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low.

Personally if at all possible I would keep your 4 year old with you, the impact of her going into care will be lifelong.

I'm an adopter.

I think it would be 'better' for your DD to be in a stable LTFC placement, than bouncing in and out of care as your health goes up and down, each time to a different placement dependent on who has space at the time.

The 'right' LTFC placement could give your DD stability and you could have contact, days out etc in periods when you are well enough.

I guess it depends on how ill you are, how it impacts your day to day care of her, how frequent & long hospital stays are.

The foster care system isn't great. Some children get lucky and remain with one family as they grow up, but most move a few times over the years. Some foster carers are brilliant, but a lot aren't. It's hard being a fostered child: not quite feeling part of the family, feeling different from other children at home and at school. If you can in any way keep her with you, I would urge you to do so. If you can't, make sure you are consistent in your contact with her and ensure she knows you love her. Wishing you best of luck.

@MyDcAreMarvel

No matter how lovely the foster parent just about good enough care from a parent is better for children. The trauma of growing up in care and the related attachment issues are life lasting.

A lot of children growing up in care do indeed have attachment disorder - but it’s more often due to the neglect, abuse, violence, trauma they’ve experienced in their own homes, not the care system.

If OP simply cannot look after her child, what choice does she have?

I hope you get the support you need OP. Remember even if DD is fostered long term, there will be LAC reviews every six months, regular contact with you. Things may change and SW will monitor you to see if she can be returned.

Your child living in foster care because you are I'll is a world away from a child being removed because they were unsafe.

You would not lose contact with her.

My son was is foster care from the age of 4 to 7, he saw his dad regularly before he came to me, and its really dads choice that he doesn't see him since I adopted him.
I would however look at all other options first, including ensuring that you are getting all the financial support and other services you are entitled to.
If you could pay for a cleaner, someone to take your daughter to and from school etc to take some of the burden off you.
Foster care is a very expensive option, normally SWs will move the earth to keep a child with their parent. So ask about support services.
I hope you can find a solution

@PuppyMonkey A lot of children growing up in care do indeed have attachment disorder - but it’s more often due to the neglect, abuse, violence, trauma they’ve experienced in their own homes, not the care system. no attachment disorder isn’t the same as trauma from abuse. It can happen to babies adopted at birth, it’s a biological affect on brain development. I have attachment disorder myself.

Sorry to hear that DC.

I’m not sure of your background of course, but I was just meaning that often, the experience of living in a neglectful or abusive home in early childhood can cause attachment disorder.

Some very good advice and support thank you. I will talk to my social worker Monday and see what the options are.

Thanks @PuppyMonkey.

@ClaireH94 it’s evident from your post that you love your daughter dearly and want the best for her. I hope you get the support you need for yourself also.