AIBU to make 2 year old stay at MILs with sensory issues

[Monkeynutt]

Hi, It’s my first time posting so I’m a bit nervous lol. I suppose I’m just wondering if this is just me being weird and overprotective.
My just turned 2 year old has sensory issues and is on a waiting list to be seen by community paediatrics. His 2 year review flagged up a few problems.. he’s non verbal.. gets very upset when we go into a house he’s not familiar with (yeah it’s strange🤦🏻‍♀️) hates loud noises (has been diagnosed with hyperacusis and cries when he hears high pitched laughter, hand dryer’s, dogs barking etc) he gets obsessed with the tiniest details in things (screws in the bannisters, bits of fluff etc) won’t play with toys properly, he just kicks them like a football. He’s been seen by an occupational therapist and thankfully he has a very good one! He has his first SLT next month and we’re waiting to hear back from a couple of nurseries, so we’re hoping he can join one for a few mornings from next term.
He sees my sister and his cousins at least once a week (he loves the trampoline in their garden) we live in the middle of a busy town so he’s def used to people, he goes to the park each day, and the zoo each week.

My MIL and new husband came down to visit. My 2 year old cried when he saw her and tried to hide. We went to the park and my husband (her son) took him to play on the swings. MIL straight away went to the local cheese shop for some reason and then came back 40 minutes later and announced he needs more boundaries because he’s hitting himself on the chin (he does this when he’s anxious, I think he’s stimming) and bouncing up and down a lot, and that we should stop him from doing these things.. and why on earth weren’t we looking for help anywhere? and that her new hubby’s kids were just awful (they’re doctors in their 30s now🙄) and had to see specialists at Alder Hay hospital for behavioural difficulties and perhaps we should consider moving closer to the hospital for help as we obviously need it.
And that we should stay over at hers once a month for a few days at a time. Bearing in mind we haven’t seen her for a year and my 2 year old was crying his eyes out as she was carrying on. She was also asking I think our child has a bond with us or if he’s just using us as tools to carry him around and make us do what he wants?!!
I know my baba has sensory issues, noises, different houses (we recently stayed at a cottage in Shrewsbury and he was horribly unsettled and wouldn’t walk on the laminate floor until the second afternoon) he takes a while to warm up to new people but when he does he gives the best hugs ever. He’s extremely loving 🥰 on his terms lol and has meltdowns but not angry tantrums in anyway. He’s certainly not spoilt and is just in his own little world really. He’s very happy when he’s left alone!
AIBU to say to MIL we’re not staying over at hers when covids restrictions lift, and we can meet somewhere else, or what if she came to Chester zoo for the afternoon. Tickets after 2 are only £10, we have memberships but we’ll get her one too if she’d like so it’s be free. That way her grandson can warm up to her in a neutral place where he’s not already overwhelmed.
She only lives 30 miles away and works 2 days a week so it’s not too far surely.
She was banging on about exposure therapy and throwing him in the deep end. At Xmas we stayed overnight and he didn’t eat, wouldn’t settle in the guest room and he woke up twice having nightmares. I felt bad the next day and regretted taking him ever since. She sits with her hand to her chin and doesn't try to interact, and it sounds stupid but laughs every 10 minutes or so and has him crying but says he’ll have to get used to it when he goes to school etc. She doesn’t think hyperacusis is a real thing even though 2 audiologists at the hospital have said it can cause actual pain.
Please help.. I haven’t got a clue what to do for the best!

I really feel for you op! I don't have any experience with sensory issues but as a mum I know how protective I am over my baby and how I would feel if anyone said anything like what your mil said about your very lovely sounding little man. If I'm honest she sounds like a piece of work, stuck in her ways from a totally old school generation. They didn't have these diagnoses when she had kids but needs to accept that things have come on leaps and bounds since then and that you are already well aware of his issues and in discussions with professionals. Personally I would not under any circumstances be staying there until she had a made an effort to bond and engage with your son and be accepting of his boundaries and preferences. If she's not willing to make an effort and just wants to give her (wrong) opinion I wouldn't really want to see her at all to be honest, but would see her in his comfortable places to try and get him used to her for his own benefit. Can your partner have a frank discussion with her and put her in her place and educate her?

No you don't need to "throw him in at the deep end". He's 2.

Draw boundaries. Stick to them. Have faith in your understanding of your child. Pursue whatever referrals you can get (and make noise if you aren't being listened to).

My DD was very similar to your son. I had to find my backbone to fight for help and protect her from the uneducated. Good luck.

Ps if you have to visit I'd make it an hour or less, start with the garden (take washing up bowl for water/sand or whatever toys he likes) and build slowly to spending more time. Granny needs to follow your lead and if she won't then make it clear she misses out.

You know your DS more than anyone.
Don’t put him in a situation where he’s going to be overwhelmed as it’s not going to be nice for you or him.
You just have to be straight and say it’s not the right time but we can do this etc.
Your LO sounds very similar to mine op!

Thank you Fleetw00d🥰I’ve been really down for the last few days and wondering if it was just me!
I’m not sure he’s able, he’s been cut off from her a few times (he left home at 16) I’ll ask and see what he thinks though. Certainly the whole family have covered for each other’s abusive behaviours over the years. I’d just really like for my child to have a relationship with any of his grandparents.

I forgot to say he was without oxygen for a long time when he was born, his cord came away from the placenta and it was an emergency c section. His review came up as he was more like a 1.5 year old but we’re waiting to see what paediatrics say.

I’ll def ask hubby what he thinks when he gets in tho. Thank you 🙏

This really upsets me to read. My son is also 2 and has ASD - he struggles with lots of situations and we always have to put him first, regardless of how other family.feel. I'm 100% not in the "deep end" camp. For us it's so important our son is happy and content and feels safe so we go at his pace. He can't speak and has very limited communication so we need to be extra attentive.

Your MIL doesn't understand his needs so either you need to explain until she does or limit contact to your terms until your son is ready.

A grandparent who is unwilling to adapt to their grandchild's individual needs isn't worth much to be honest. Don't put yourself or your child in awkward, unpleasant or frightening situations just to force a relationship. It won't work for anyone.

Thank you guys🥰

Absolutely no bloody way would she be allowed to spend time with my children if she behaved like that. Please read up on ABA controversy because that will give you some idea of the sort of thing she is likely thinking about even if she doesn't know what it is.

Find out what your child needs and then do that - if a child is autistic or neurodiverse in some way, no amount of training will change their wiring.

Signed an autistic woman with an autistic brother and autistic children.

Sorry but she sounds like a grade a dickhead and needs educating. Go with your instinct and don't spend time staying over at hers etc

Your ds sounds a lovely little boy and you seem a really caring supportive mum who understands him very well - just what he'll need as he grows up and faces the challenges of school.

Your MIL is talking out of her arse and isn't worth listening to. It would be lovely for him to have a relationship with his grandparents but she needs to accept his needs and follow your lead. I've never advised going nc with relatives but I think that your partner needs to have a frank talk with his mum. If she won't take on board what he tells her, then I'd go low contact for your sake and for your ds's sake. A grandparent who doesn't understand or accept his needs isn't worth cultivating.

You know your little one inside out and back to front and absolutely know what’s best for him. Stick with your gut and don’t let family guilt push you into putting yourself or your little boy into situations that you know are a trigger for him. He knows that he’s safe with you and your understanding and gentle encouragement will bring him on lovely as he gains more trust in his surroundings, your MIL trying to force him into what she deems as normality will undo your hard work. To keep the peace, suggest that as he gets older it might be a possibility, but for now, he’s happiest at home and you wish to keep his routine and home comforts around him. And as for school being an issue, as a primary school teacher myself, any good school will support you both and nurture your little one as he develops, so take no notice of that jab!

Best of luck to you and your little boy - you are both very lucky to have each other.