Am I really a horrible mother?

[Mumofacutie]

Hi all, this is the first time me posting here. I don’t even know where to start. I had my baby in August so she is almost 9 months old. I am completely alone, no help, my family lives in another country, so it’s just me and my husband. Most of the time me only because my husband works full time. Please don’t judge me, because I LOVE MY BABY GIRL SO MUCH!! But! I am getting tired and exhausted. I do all the wakings at night, it is very rare when my husband does it, even on the weekends when he is off I do everything (almost) .I mean he plays with her and entertaining her, and do 1-2 feedings during the weekend but that is all. He really works hard and does everything for us, pays all the bills etc. which I really do appreciate, but I feel that he does not understand me, that I am being tired and sometimes I go frustrated. Yesterday evening my baby was waking every single hour and I was moaning about it. It was really tiring and sometimes I just wanna break down and cry but I cannot do it as I have to look after her. Sometimes he calls me dramatic, that I love drama, that is why I am creating a problem. He was also calling me “names” yesterday evening, and said that I am a mother so I have to deal with it (he meant to wake up every hour if it is needed). I know that , and I am well aware but I am just so tired I feel I need more help but it is impossible really to get any :( He also said this morning on the phone that he is very angry with me and if I don’t want the baby I can go back to my mother to my country. He always says this when we argue like he belittles me, that I am childish and go back to my parents, like I would not survive elsewhere. I really love my baby and these words really hurt me. Am I being a bad mum really. Is it really unacceptable to be frustrated because of exhaustion?

I just want to reach out and give you a hug. Parenting is so hard especially when you're exhausted.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture so it's understandable you're feeling really pissed off. I used to lose it some nights with my first and get angry which I regret so much now. With my second I used to try and remind myself that this won't be forever. In a few years your dc will be sleeping soundly so When you're feeling like there's no hope try and remind yourself this is only temporary.

It's really hard especially if you don't have any help and I know your dh is working hard but can you get a lay in on one day of the weekend and he the next day?

He really shouldn't be talking to you like that, he may be feeling out of his depth too and not really know how to cope knowing you're stressed but he's absolutely in the wrong for speaking to you that way.

Whaaaaat? No! You are absolutely not a shit mother! I also have a non sleeping 9 month old and deal with all night wakings as DP is disabled so I totally get how frustrating and exhausting it is. The difference is my DP is sympathetic and tells me how much he appreciates me all the time.

Idk what to advise exactly but it is definitely your partner who is being shit not you!

Hello,

like yourself I had my baby in August, he's almost 9 months old.

We also don't have family closeby. We're lucky as he is a good sleeper, sleeps through the night mostly, but my partner steps up a lot despite working full time. He feeds him a lot in the evening and rocks him to sleep and plays with him and I think he's very involved despite working full time

To be honest your partner doesn't sound very supportive and you need to make him understand that he has to step up and be a father! The child is just as much his as it is yours.

While he agrees I would be seriously thinking about moving back to your home country with your family.

Aww thank you very much for the supportive answers here! I really woke up with feeling guilty this morning but now feeling better. It is hard, but I don’t think he would agree to do a whole night feeding. He always says he is the one working so he needs to rest. I understand that he is tired because of work but he doesn’t understand me. He said I sleep 12 hours. I don’t know where he got that from:/ it is not even true. Notmally I sleep by midnight because Baby has a feeding at around 11 pm so takes another 1 hour to settle completely, that I wake up at around 3 , and than we are up at around 7:30. It is definitely not 12 hours. And some days are horrible like last night. Like I had to wake up and run to her room every hours.

He sounds very unsupportive. Even if he's working and needs rest he should still be trying to take the pressure off you somewhat where he can. Sounds like he's using work as cop out to avoid helping with baby.

Does he do anything at all to help you? I

Parenting is a joint responsibility and he is not pulling his weight, I feel for you as he doesn’t understand you need support at the moment.
Big hugs

Sweetypop
Very rarely he feeds her but only during the day on the weekends but I have to burp her 😀 (dunno if I should laugh or cry at this) and he plays with her, or when we go shopping he lets me to look around and he is pushing her in the pushchair but I think that s it. He used to bath her in the beginning, bit not anymore. I really do the most of it and I dont mind, but sometimes even just an emotional help would be nice of him, even some kind words that he understands me. But he does not. In June I have plane tickets to my country I will do a long visit, a month, I cannot wait. I am going to see my family, I think that will be a really nice time! I cannot wait! Fingers cross that the covid wont ruin my plans :)

It is completely understandable for you to be frustrated because of exhaustion. You are the mother yes, but he is the father, you had a baby together and you need his support not his belittlement. It’s hard to have calm conversations when you are sleep deprived, maybe write down how you are feeling and what you want so you can explain it? If he’s not going to listen though then maybe you need to think if this is the life you want...

Thank you very much everyone! This reassurance means a lot to me! I really started thibking that I am a monster and not deserved to be a mum :( It does feel good that I am not alone.