I messed up. How can I stop this from happening again?

[InterstellarOverdrive]

Ok please don't judge me as I feel terrible already. I've had an awful headache all day and generally been feeling crap post vaccination. My 4 year old decided to climb all over my head and shoulders just before we went up to bed. I removed her gently and asked her to please not do that again as I wasn't feeling very good. 2 mins later I had my eyes closed, head back against the sofa and suddenly she launches in to me, wind-ing me and headbutting me in the throat at the same time. I reacted (badly) by pushing her off me on to the sofa, which unintentionally made her fall in to the arm of the sofa, which must have hurt because she cried. I then reacted badly again and said in a cross voice that I'd just asked her not to do that and why did she do it after I'd literally just asked her not to. Obviously she got even more upset and I tried to calm her down but she wouldn't let me hold her or anything, she was just screaming at me. She went upstairs so I tried to help get her pj's on but she wouldn't let me. Dp tried to help and she wouldn't let him do anything either so he lost his patience with her pretty quickly and left the room. She was still screaming all through this. I kept trying to comfort her but she was in such a state and at this point I was feeling like the worst parent ever. I still feel awful about it. She only calmed down when she needed the loo and she stayed in one place long enough for me to talk to her calmly and reassure her but it took a really long time for her to calm down properly. I apologised and said I was wrong for pushing her off me and that I'll never do it again. I explained that she shouldn't have launched herself on to me like that but I am a grown up and I should know better than to push. I guess I reacted out of shock and pain but I don't want to ever react like that towards my dc again. I'm very upset that I did it. She's been very emotional lately and I just want to make her feel safe and loved and I feel like I've totally failed in that tonight. We had loads of cuddles after she'd calmed down, read bedtimes stories and cuddled some more. I must have told her I loved her about 20 times but I still feel awful because I can't change what I did.

She is often very boisterous and it's not the first time she's hurt me by throwing herself at me but it is the first time I've reacted badly by pushing her away. How can avoid this happening again? Is there a method of dealing with this kind of thing without reacting badly? I feel so awful, like I've betrayed her or something.

You can avoid it by telling her dad you feel like shit so he then takes over for one evening.

You are allowed time off especially when feeling unwell.

It happens
mindkindmom.com/the-key-to-good-enough-parenting-repair-the-rupture/

She probably won’t do it again. It seems harsh at the time but sometimes children do need to see the consequences of hurting someone - it sounds like you reacted out of shock and pain, not out of rage. Be nice to yourself and have an early night. Tomorrow is a new day x

She does need to learn not to jump on people and headbutt them in the throat. Better now with you than at 18 with a policeman.

I agree, be kind to yourself. My DD can be boisterous like that. I make it clear if she's hurt me.

Your DD had already been told not to do it so doing it again resulted in a consequence, your impulse reaction is nothing to beat yourself up for. At 4 kids don't necessarily know how to calm themselves down or back off from it when they know they did wrong.

Thank you. I probably should go to bed.
I'll check out the link in the morning.

She didn't intentionally headbutt me in the throat btw, she just decided to throw herself on to meat speed, which ended up with her head in my neck... She's bonkers sometimes.

*me at, not meat...
bed time.

I think it won’t do her a bit of harm; not sure if she’s started school or nursery but she’ll soon discover the consequences of rough play! And we have ALL done it OP. Don’t beat yourself up. Save that for your DP who stood by and did fuck all!

Well... you told her not to, she did it and she suffered the consequences. Perhaps not how you would have liked to handle it but it is done and tomorrow is a new day. Don't beat yourself up, to be fair most people would have reacted the same way if hurt/taken by surprise. Next time she may be more careful and you may take a second before reacting.

The non-stop screaming can be a reaction to the situation but also to the fact that she knew she wasn't meant to do this and was not expecting to be pushed off and spoken to in a cross voice. You have spoken to her and reassured her. You did your best OP.

I would work on the boisterous behaviour to stop it escalating. She should understand her own strength and how she can hurt people, even mum and dad.

You've said sorry. It won't happen again. Be kind to yourself.

Oh I've been there. Sending solidarity.
The bit that stood out for me was that going to the loo calmed her down. We have something similar with our 5yo, her impulse control is directly linked to how recently she went to the loo.
Sounds like you dealt with it as well as circumstances allowed. Hope you feel better soon.

I'm generally a pretty fluffy soft parent (extended breastfeeding, slinging toddlers, cuddling to sleep till gone 3 etc), but I think perhaps she reacted the way that she did because you seem to pander to her quite a lot.

I have a child of similar age who also launches herself at me. As a reflex I've thrown her off before, because reflexes are literally automatic. And yeah that's hurt her at least once. It's unfortunate, but she's not a baby. They also need to know when they are hurting someone, and that it's unacceptable.

That most of your post is about how not to text badly next time, and how your tried to soothe her and was very apologetic, rather than asking for help in calling I get down so she doesn't leap at you, speaks volumes.

There is nothing wrong with your child learning there's may be negative concequences for their behaviour, or that parents get upset when hurt as well.

Oh for an edit button.

rather than asking for calming her down --help in calling I get down-- so she doesn't leap at you, speaks volumes.

It's fine. You've showed her you're human.

She needs to learn to respect people’s feelings, requests and physical boundaries. That’s what you should work on. She hurt you then you spent ages apologising you her? I understand why but it’s time for her to learn the consequences of her actions.

Thank you for all the responses. I feel better about it today. She is a going through a bit of a stroppy phase at the moment, probably not helped by relationship issues with me and dp. She's probably picking up on the tension despite us trying to disguise it. I think that's why I felt so bad about it as well. I felt I made things worse than they needed to be. But I guess stress, feeling ill, plus intense 4 year old will do that sometimes.