14 year old & friendship battles

[nextslidepuhlease]

"Tell her she can't sit with us..."
"You must apologise for xxxx (something blown out of proportion for effect- think dropping a pencil and making a joke out of it)
"You are annoying"
"You can't just expect to be friends with us"

And so on. After school, all done behind a screen of course, different attitude come the daytime when they want something from my DD.

Arghhh. Any words of wisdom from parents who have dealt with this dreadful, spiteful 13/14 year old behaviour in groups of girls?

My protective side wants to speak to the teachers (DD has forbid me to do this) and my more rational side accepts this is par for the course with friends at this age. But it's just all so MEAN!

Kids can be horrible at that age.

Whilst it’ll be frustrating to not tell teachers it would just make it worse for DD, unless of course things got very out of hand.

Does she have another set of friends?

You always tend to find aswell they go through stages of ‘friends’ of who to pick on. So could be your DD this week and another girl the next

I would encourage her to make new friends. There are other DC who aren't like that, she just needs to find them. If it carries on I'd ask if she could change tutor group at the end of the school year.

So sorry to hear your daughter is going through this. It’s called relational aggression. I found the following books helped me support my daughter- The Friendship Maze by Tabitha Carey, No More Mean Girls by Katie Hurley and Bully-Proof Kids by Stella O’Malley.

Thanks for the responses- I will definitely consider the courses of action mentioned - thank you.

I go between trying to brush it off and tell her not to mind, then I just feel like I'm encouraging her to be a doormat? So hard.

Thanks a million for the book recommendations- will check them out

Honestly, reading this made my blood boil op - even several decades later I can still remember how hurtful bullying feels.
At least in the "old days" you could come home and escape it, I can't imagine what it's like now with technology and social media playing a big part.
So, starting with that, if it were my dd I would block these little b's numbers (but if possible make copies of the messages) and limit the time the phone is allowed to be used. Same with laptops, tablet etc.
One obviously lovely thing you can tell from your post is that you clearly have your daughter's back and that really counts for such a lot.
Although you have agreed not to go to the school, I think you could discuss with dd that if things don't change or get worse by a certain period of time you will really have to go in to see the teachers. Explain to her that nobody is allowed to mistreat her this way and actually by cyber bullying her they are breaking the law and by rights the police should be involved. Maybe frame it like this gang of girls need to be stopped before they get in serious trouble.
(Any time you see them I would give them daggers, I'd let them know you know and that they need to knock it off.)
In terms of your dd's confidence I would be looking to build it up at any opportunity. Could she join any groups or activities outside of school that she enjoys or has always wanted to try? Maybe one sporty/dance type of class - nothing like a load of endorphins to make you better about your self; and then something arty or ideally drama class where she will learn techniques to both calm herself down and build self confidence. Even if it's in the next town/village etc - just so she can make some different friends and have fun etc.
If it's the type of situation whereby she actually wants to be part of their group and as you say they use her for stuff then as gently as possible she needs to see it for what it is. They are not her friends and she deserves a lot better. Difficult though it might be she really needs to distance herself from them.
I think there must be some good resources online nowadays to give you much better advice and strategies than I could so I'm sure you can find some help.
I've really waffled on but it just goes to show that it's such an emotive subject and can cause real lasting damage but with you on her side this could be an opportunity for your daughter to really develop her sense of self and learn to stand up for herself.

@Wishingwell75

Honestly, reading this made my blood boil op - even several decades later I can still remember how hurtful bullying feels. At least in the "old days" you could come home and escape it, I can't imagine what it's like now with technology and social media playing a big part. So, starting with that, if it were my dd I would block these little b's numbers (but if possible make copies of the messages) and limit the time the phone is allowed to be used. Same with laptops, tablet etc. One obviously lovely thing you can tell from your post is that you clearly have your daughter's back and that really counts for such a lot. Although you have agreed not to go to the school, I think you could discuss with dd that if things don't change or get worse by a certain period of time you will really have to go in to see the teachers. Explain to her that nobody is allowed to mistreat her this way and actually by cyber bullying her they are breaking the law and by rights the police should be involved. Maybe frame it like this gang of girls need to be stopped before they get in serious trouble. (Any time you see them I would give them daggers, I'd let them know you know and that they need to knock it off.) In terms of your dd's confidence I would be looking to build it up at any opportunity. Could she join any groups or activities outside of school that she enjoys or has always wanted to try? Maybe one sporty/dance type of class - nothing like a load of endorphins to make you better about your self; and then something arty or ideally drama class where she will learn techniques to both calm herself down and build self confidence. Even if it's in the next town/village etc - just so she can make some different friends and have fun etc. If it's the type of situation whereby she actually wants to be part of their group and as you say they use her for stuff then as gently as possible she needs to see it for what it is. They are not her friends and she deserves a lot better. Difficult though it might be she really needs to distance herself from them. I think there must be some good resources online nowadays to give you much better advice and strategies than I could so I'm sure you can find some help. I've really waffled on but it just goes to show that it's such an emotive subject and can cause real lasting damage but with you on her side this could be an opportunity for your daughter to really develop her sense of self and learn to stand up for herself.

Thank you for replying and your perspective on it.

It's just so difficult to encourage her to see what it is without her feeling utterly defeated and that her friends are clearly anything but if they can turn so quickly and be so awful.

Yes to the other activities to meet different groups of people- that is definitely a way forward. Thank you for thinking about that- with lockdown it's not even been on my radar!

Joining things definitely opens new avenues. Then one friend leads to another. There are things going on, particularly at school. If she be a little bit brave to try them it can really help.