Not enjoying being a Mum at all

[Tooandfroo]

My children are 2 and 5, DH works away Mon-Thurs and I work 2 days a week from home.

Monday and Tuesday are very much mum days as I don't work and DH is away until Thursday. I've begun taking youngest DC to groups again post lockdown but have found they're full of smaller circles of friends who have joined together so it's difficult to make friends. I see one friend and her DC quite often- maybe fortnightly which I do enjoy. But my family don't live around here so it's mainly just me and DCs. DH works 40 hours over 4 days so when he comes home on Friday mornings, he's exhausted and although he consciously tries, I can see he just wants to rest. I want to talk to him about DCs and what we've been up to, but I can see he's too tired to properly listen. He would say he isn't but he is.

Inlaws help with DCs on my work days (school drop-offs and pick-ups and once over for dinner, one day with DC2 also whilst I work) which is really helpful but I don't feel I can ask for much more help from them.

Mondays and Tuesdays are, in my opinion, awful. Youngest wakes at 5.30-6.00am and wants TV, I hate TV first thing in the morning. She will cry until she gets it. Eldest DC wakes full of energy and is play fighting with loudly roaring dinosaurs at 6am. I constantly ask "keep it down" which lasts all of 2 minutes. DC2 hates getting dressed and there is always a tantrum about it and her refusing to wear anything other than summer dresses when it's freezing cold outside. DC1 is hyper in general and full of energy. He doesn't like school and complains about it all the way home on the school run which is making me miserable, sometimes he cries that he's got no friends. Ive spoken to the school who tell me that he has lots of friends and is very popular so don't know what to do!
Youngest DC is tired at school run time and spends it crying about being in the stroller, if I allow her to walk, she cries because her legs are tired and I have to carry her when I have a bad back already. It's basically constant whining all the way home. Then it's drying washing, drinks and snacks when we come home, prepare dinner if I haven't had time in the day whilst trying to pacify the 2 year old and more "please keep the noise down" to my son. I often end up cooking one handed as I have DC2 in my arms. If I let her nap during the day, she won't go to sleep at night until gone 9.30 which means I get no evening so I take the miserable afternoons over long evenings.
Then there's washing up, spellings, homework, online maths games which are supposed to be done everyday, reading book, bath and bed time. I feel like their Bitch, their servant, I feel like I'm being tortured by my kids. I hate it.

My eldest has also recently developed a coughing habit as a result of a cough he had 3 months ago. It's definitely a habit and nothing to worry about but I'm finding it so very irritating.

I'm considering working 4 days from July if I can get the work to save my sanity, but I will need enough to cover an extra days nursery fees.

Yesterday I felt utterly miserable and found myself eye rolling at DC1, tutting, sighing and making sarcastic remarks and then shouting at DC2 for wetting herself for the 6th time. I never wanted to be this type of Mum but I feel like they're trying to torture me.

Weekends are a lot better. DH takes them off my hands for half a day each week so I can catch up on housework, but there is no time for downtime. I can't even go for a walk in the evenings Mon-Thurs and then DH will have an evening most weeks to catch up with friends/do his hobby so it doesn't leave a lot left for me. DH is fine to have DCs for a whole day at weekends so I can meet friends etc, but not something I can do every single week as I'd never see DH!

Obviously all these lockdowns haven't helped. I'm wondering whether to go on a little holiday, on my own or with a friend. I need a breather.

Or any other suggestions hugely appreciated??

This sounds really tough for all of you. I hope this doesn’t sound patronising but have you tried letting go of the stuff that in the big scheme of life really doesn’t matter? Like - does it matter if your DC is loud in the mornings? If you can let that go, it might feel less stressful than constantly trying to shush them.

What do you like about them? There must be cute and funny things they do that make you smile? Can you focus on these things rather than the annoyances?

OP, what do you do with your DC that is fun? What activities do you engage in together, what crafts or games do you do?
Because it sounds from your description as if your days consist solely of chores and being annoyed by the DC!
Young kids are much nicer company for their mum when they are happily occupied in an activity. I used to structure my toddlers’ day so they had a long walk - even in the rain, they loved jumping in puddles - which gave them some exercise and meant they slept better, I played simple board and card games with them, teaching them to take turns and lose gracefully, I allowed them half an hour of children’s tv or a video, we sang nursery rhymes, we crayoned or did home baking. Even the chores can be fun - give the DC a duster and let them join in.
If you don’t like noise and tv in the morning, teach them to read so they can amuse themselves quietly, or give them picture or colouring books.

I found it hard being at home with my two DC under 3, especially as I was widowed before the baby’s first birthday, but I did what I could to make it happier for all of us.
I did at least get out to work, initially one day a week, then built up to full time by the time they were in primary school. It helped give me some adult company, as I had virtually none after DH died - my relatives were 250 miles away.
You have childcare available, relatives nearby, and a living DH - I would have loved that! Maybe count a few blessings, and make the most of what you have?

I feel your pain @Tooandfroo 💐

The constant winging arguing and noise really grinds you down doesnt it. Even when we do play games and do "fun" activities ends in arguments and tears.. no one loses gracefully here 😂

And like you I feel like a slave, constant stream of demands and needs to be met. And they both talk to me, constantly, at the same time, all day! Exhausting!

I think the trip away sounds just the thing you need. Can I come?! 🤪😂

Thanks for understanding @vwcamperT5 I felt like a terrible mother after reading the first 2 responses.

I'm exhausted as DC2 still wakes to sleep in my bed at night and keeps me awake fidgeting which doesn't help. There just seems to be no time for fun stuff during the week once meals need cooking, dishes need washing, homework needs doing etc. We go to the Park a lot and explore the local woods regularly. Board games are a disaster when DC2 is around. We do lots of baking at weekends etc.

I think I'm in need of adult company re-reading my own post. I spend a lot of time around demanding children and not much time among adults. I think parenting during a pandemic has had a huge detrimental effect too as social circles have dwindled and been put on hold. The best day we've had this year was a trip to the park with picnics and friends when the weather was warmer.

Maybe I just don't like being such a hands on Mum. I always thought it was what I wanted, but I feel knackered and irritated. It's difficult having to be their Mum and playmate for over a year.

The constant talking is a drain @vwcamperT5 yes, let's go on a little road trip!

It's never ending isnt it! I feel the exact same. Like you i cant stand tv and noise in the morning but I did give in to the tv in the end. At least they are not screaming at me and demanding things before my eyes are even open 😅
My 2 are 4 and 5 now so it is getting easier in lots of ways. It's just the arguing and constant talking over each other, drives me mad 🤪

I'm also like you with the lack of adult company during the week. My best days are the ones where I meet a friend and kids are playing, just takes the pressure off having to entertain them myself all day.

It is hard and this last year has just been something else altogether! The stress!

You sound like a really good mum just a very busy one. Everyone needs a break 🙂💐 xx

It sounds like you're going through a really hard time. It's a shame that women are expected to enjoy being around their children constantly, while men aren't.

Can you afford a baby sitter once a week so that you can go do something on your own or with friends? Or would family be willing to help a bit more? It sounds like more alone time / social time would help.

Small children are very hard work and there's nothing wrong with getting fed up of it, especially as you're on your own with them so much! Will your husband be working away for the indefinite future?

To add - you're shouldering a lot more of the load by being a lone parent Mon - Thurs, while your husband presumably gets those evenings 'off' after work. Could you have a night or two off over the weekend while your husband watches the kids?

Gosh OP I feel for you. Please put your little one in nursery so you can get a break!! I'm an awful mother unless I get time away from DC. I have one tip - might be useful. I give DC snacks en route to nursery and school and on way home. That means she's eating and not complaining. It's a small thing but it helps.

The snack idea is a great one thank you @bootlebumtrinketti I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before!

We can't really afford the extra day unless I'm earning enough to cover it and that would be a gamble.

Any ideas where to find a reputable babysitter @sarahb083 ? This would be good. Although I could actually ask my child's nursery if any of them offer this.

My sister-in-law lives around the corner but she only really turns up when she's in need of something herself or wants to prove to someone that she's Auntie of the Year.

Don't think it helps that both my kids are extrovert like their Dad and I'm very introvert. Some days, I'd gladly hide under my duvet as much as I adore them and do love spending time with them when it's quality, enjoyable time. Part of the issue is feeling like I'm always half doing something, nothing and nobody seems to get my full attention.

Youngest DC is attached to my hip, which is lovely in many ways, we are very close and have a lovely bond but she wants me to play constantly. I find that if I dedicate 1 hour to her purely in the morning, she's worse and just wants me all to herself even more. There's no filling her bucket. The more I give, the more she wants.

I'm afraid I have no advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling like this.

My children are 1 and 3 and I have two days off with them and work 3 days from home, husband works long hours so I'm doing all the bedtimes, meal times etc and running kids around before/after work. It's hard. I take them to activities on my days off with them, and we meet up with friends which helps, but I have found myself questioning whether I'm cut out for being a mum, and whether I should go back to work an extra day. It's not the way I thought I'd be as a mum. I think what would really help me is having time to do my own things and be an adult but that has obviously not been helped by lockdowns, and even if I get the odd hour here or there it doesn't seem to scratch the surface of what I actually need! So, just sending solidarity.

@Sleepyone1

I'm afraid I have no advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling like this.

My children are 1 and 3 and I have two days off with them and work 3 days from home, husband works long hours so I'm doing all the bedtimes, meal times etc and running kids around before/after work. It's hard. I take them to activities on my days off with them, and we meet up with friends which helps, but I have found myself questioning whether I'm cut out for being a mum, and whether I should go back to work an extra day. It's not the way I thought I'd be as a mum. I think what would really help me is having time to do my own things and be an adult but that has obviously not been helped by lockdowns, and even if I get the odd hour here or there it doesn't seem to scratch the surface of what I actually need! So, just sending solidarity.

Is he not doing any childcare at all? Switch so that your husband is doing part-time hours, and looking after the kids, and you do full time hours.

Some of you need to stand up to your husbands.

OP - is your husband not doing any childcare during the week? Even two hours on a Tuesday evening for example?

Op - re reading it, I see now that your husband only works four days a week!

Why isnt he doing ALL childcare on the Friday, every week?

Bullshit that he is too tired. Your mental health is more important . You are working and doing childcare, He can work and do more childcare too.

Is there any way to change your days at work so you don't have two days at home in a row? Could you work Tues/Wed or Tues/Thu? What is your job? Do you get any adult interaction at work?

@Tooandfroo. How are you feeling today op?

I am sahm to 3.5 year old and 17 month old, I do also work from home a few hours a week as am self-employed. However that's irrelevant, just wanted to send you a hand hold. I know how you are feeling.

This last year with all of the covid restrictions and places being shut just have been one of the hardest years to be a parent of small children. You don't have to enjoy every single moment of the day or be supermum being happy and jolly going from one different activity to another. Getting through each day is just enough. We all get snappy at times, show me a mum who doesn't. Comments like 'stand up to your husbands' are in no way helpful. It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job.

There is thread on chat called Trapped Toddler Parents... Come over and join us, we are a lovely bunch and offer support and ideas

This bit jumped out at me 'dh takes them off my hands half a day a week so I can catch up on chores'.

You need free time and adult company. DH presumably has three or four evenings a week to himself when he's working away from home. I think you need much more than half a day to do the hoovering!

If it was me, is be asking DH to find a job that wasn't away from home. It's too draining to do it all by yourself all the time.

I need time away from my kids to be able to enjoy them. I think you need to think about your own needs more and your family's needs less. They will benefit in the long run if you are happy.

Sounds like a particularly trying time. I think you need to work out what battles are worth it.
I think stuff like putting telly on in the morning so they are quiet, without waiting for it to become an issue would be a start. Having quiet TV time while you wake up and have your coffee is nothing to be ashamed of.

Its good youre still able to have nice family weekends where its easier.

Id also try not to worry too much about the homework and online maths games etc. At 5 thats a lot of stress for very little benefit. Either that or outsource that to your in-laws, but they already do learning all day at school. Its fine to just chill at home and play.

I wonder if one of those little push along bicycles with a parent handle might be more fun than stroller for the toddler.

But who is cut out to be a mum in these circumstances. It involves being irritated, angry, bored shitless and despairing with a dose of guilt thrown on from society to keep us doing it and to think it's natural to be Mary Poppins and Mother Theresa rolled into one.
Thing is, we are biologically wired to SHARE childcare and have plenty of adult and alone time.
Modern motherhood makes women sick. It's not you.
I'd recommend working more.

Thanks for the solidarity 💪
Definitely missing my village since covid hit which I agree isn't helping things.
I think I need to work more, I just need to find the work as covid has thrown a spanner into that too.
More adult time would help, but difficult to achieve during the week, DH works on Fridays even though he's at home. He sits at the dining table doing all his paperwork. He's not pretending either... he has a lot to do after a long week of physical work so I have to parent all day. He dips in and out a lot during that day as he's desperate to just spend the time with us and not be working.

Tried outsourcing the homework stuff to inlaws but MIL will always spit her dummy out and complain that DCs should just be able to play at their house so I don't like to ask. FIL is much better and will do some with DC1 anyway.

We have a couple of toddler activities booked in for the next few weeks, but I've had to book on for blocks at a time because of covid, which is annoying if you don't want to/can't go one week.

Spent today catching up on chores again. Pleased when it's done but feels miserable when it's what I've spent my Sunday doing. Wish DC2 would let me get some jobs done during week days but it's impossible as she's just so needy. DH asked this weekend why I couldn't get chores done with her around and tried giving me some "tips" I felt slightly furious at this. He concluded that I should just give up on chores and live in a mess. But that's just not the answer for me (he wouldn't mind and never pressurises me to do chores, but doesn't see their importance either.)