Help me with my 3-year old

[h4ppy]

I'm really struggling with my 3-year old, sometimes I don't know if I even like her. This is a terrible thing to say of course, and I feel awful.

She was a tricky baby who cried all the time, and now that she's older, she's very emotional/sensitive, contrary, stubborn, doesn't listen, etc. We are fairly relaxed parents, and allow a lot of stuff I'm sure others don't, just for an easier life. She knows what our very few redline points are, and she still does them, sometimes just to get a reaction. She does the thing, I give her a warning, she does it again, and then I tell her off. She cries. It's ages before we can defuse the situation and move on. It's extremely tiresome.

I used to be more patient and tolerant with her, and I'd try my best to let 99% of stuff go. But more recently, I just can't find that patience anymore - why can't she just be more like other 3-year olds and be easier going? I love her but I don't like certainly aspects of her personality.

I don't know what I'm after. Maybe reassurance she will come out of this phase and become a pleasant girl. I also have an almost 1-year old who's been a complete dream baby in comparison. I'm worried I'll like her more over time and that this will show. Can anyone offer any advice?

@h4ppy

Can I get your thoughts on this real life situation please - what would you do? Did I do the right thing?

She knows she shouldn't rub her muddy shoes on the carpet. It's morning and we're getting ready to go to nursery. She puts on her shoes and starts rubbing. I say please don't do that. She keeps doing it. I say again final warning don't do that. She still keeps doing it. I lift her up and put her outside while I finish putting my shoes on to go outside.

I'd say that there are a couple of things you could change here.

1. Clean her shoes, so that she can't make the carpet muddy by rubbing her shoes on it. Then there's nothing to tell her off for.

1. Put your shoes on first, and let her put hers on immediately before you go out of the door.

Perhaps adjusting the way you do things, thereby avoiding some typical sticking-point scenarios is the way to go, just for a short while.

Apologies I haven't RTFT but she sounds just like my DD who is about to turn 3. I really empathise with you on the whole "why can't you just be like the other kids" - I've always found this difficult even since she was born, as like yours she was a errr 'high needs' baby. I think accepting her for who she is is actually one of the hardest things for us to do psychologically but the more we can recognise and label her personality traits in a more positive light the more we can do this and the more empathy we have for our little ones. For example there are positive aspects to traits like sensitivity and intensity - everyone would say being perceptive, empathetic, and passionate are good and useful traits, right? I found 'Raising Your Spirited Child' by Mary Sheedy Kurcinska really emotional and helpful. I read it when she was a baby and me and DH are reading it again together now. I'm also in the 'Raising Your Spirited Child' group on Facebook which I've found helpful as well to have a community of parents with shared experiences. I don't know many people irl with small kids and the ones I do aren't like my DD at all in terms of sensitivity, intensity etc. 'How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen', was also a good read.

@h4ppy

Can I get your thoughts on this real life situation please - what would you do? Did I do the right thing?

She knows she shouldn't rub her muddy shoes on the carpet. It's morning and we're getting ready to go to nursery. She puts on her shoes and starts rubbing. I say please don't do that. She keeps doing it. I say again final warning don't do that. She still keeps doing it. I lift her up and put her outside while I finish putting my shoes on to go outside.

Don't have shoes near carpet If carpet goes to the door then Put a rubber mat on top of carpet where the shoes are You can change some of the environment so you don't get wound up

She is three with a baby sibling
It s a phase

@h4ppy

To add - what then happened was that she had a massive tantrum, ran back in. I took her out again and put her in the buggy, and we went to nursery, her crying the entire way.

What might've happened before is that I would've tried to make a joke of the rubbing and said silly billy you know we don't do this etc. She might have rubbed a bit more and then stopped, or maybe not. But I just don't seem to have the patience anymore to cajole her into the right behaviours.

You are in control of your behaviour and your reactions Take breath Count to 10

She is the three year old being three
Let things go
What s the deal with mud?
If you have carpet and kids you will get mud
If you cannot change flooring then cover with mat near door and shoes go o on and off on the mat

There are various mats you can get suitable for pets znd kids

www.wayfair.co.uk/rugs/sb1/indoor-door-mats-door-mats-c1782947-a106435~342867.html?refid=GX461600616908.~b&position=&network=g&pcrid=461600616908&device=m&targetid=aud-944984553336:dsa-946827917893&gclid=Cj0KCQjw4cOEBhDMARIsAA3XDRgmmTuYlIpfGNSJjgDlh5UWwQ8yEsZB3AMT5Iq2JfQt61avrG_OsD4aAmBwEALw_wcB

@h4ppy

Can I get your thoughts on this real life situation please - what would you do? Did I do the right thing?

She knows she shouldn't rub her muddy shoes on the carpet. It's morning and we're getting ready to go to nursery. She puts on her shoes and starts rubbing. I say please don't do that. She keeps doing it. I say again final warning don't do that. She still keeps doing it. I lift her up and put her outside while I finish putting my shoes on to go outside.

We wouldn't put muddy shoes on in the house. We put them on in the porch or as we step out the door.

For me, it's about constantly assessing the situation to reduce the flash points.

@h4ppy

Can I get your thoughts on this real life situation please - what would you do? Did I do the right thing?

She knows she shouldn't rub her muddy shoes on the carpet. It's morning and we're getting ready to go to nursery. She puts on her shoes and starts rubbing. I say please don't do that. She keeps doing it. I say again final warning don't do that. She still keeps doing it. I lift her up and put her outside while I finish putting my shoes on to go outside.

Also, I think the 'How to talk...' approach might be to say positively what she should do, not negatively what she shouldn't do. So instead of a vague, abstract 'Don't do that' perhaps you could say something like 'I want the carpets to stay clean. Please rub your shoes on this mat/ outside on the grass instead'.

No advice, but I feel your pain! One DT was a chilled easy baby, the other was needy, both of them can be arseholes ‘challenging’ daily now. They were brilliant before 2.5, it’s just been a downhill slide into chaos and misery since then. I’m at a loss of what to do really, they’re great for DH but are little horrors for me!

However, I’ve heard it gets better as they get older so I’m clinging on to that.

@h4ppy

Can I get your thoughts on this real life situation please - what would you do? Did I do the right thing?

She knows she shouldn't rub her muddy shoes on the carpet. It's morning and we're getting ready to go to nursery. She puts on her shoes and starts rubbing. I say please don't do that. She keeps doing it. I say again final warning don't do that. She still keeps doing it. I lift her up and put her outside while I finish putting my shoes on to go outside.

Maybe an idea is getting her to do what you'd like with positive language, so when she starts rubbing shoes on carpet say something like 'dd's name can you be a really good girl and stand really still for a minute so we don't get too much mud on the carpet' and lots of praise if she stands still. if she carries on you repeat 'dd I've asked you to stand still for a few minutes, if you make the carpet muddy I'll be cross and you'll have to stand outside' and then if she carries on you can say 'dd I asked you twice but now you will have to stand outside' and put her outside.... Or Something similar maybe! I'm no expert though..... Still working on these types of things with my 3yr old!! Our battle is tooth brushing!

Hang in there. They're called threenagers for a reason.

On top of the terrible two tantrums, they add sneakiness and defiance. Mine actually sighs dramatically if I refuse him what he wants before collapsing on the floor...a 15 year old would be proud of that eye roll . It's just a little peak at what lies ahead for us in 10 years time .

I have two three year olds. They're not easy going 😂. They'll do things to get a reaction and I often find ignoring is a good strategy. Usually they give up when they know they're not getting a rise.

This reminds me of my late mums strategy. She'd tell kids that were crying for no real reason to cry nicely.

Works a treat!

Yes agree with removing flash points if possible

One thing I did find helpful from a book (afraid I can’t remember which one!!) is that once the grenade-pin has been pulled on a tantrum, there’s no going back, there’s no point trying to talk to the kid or reason with them, if they’re tantrumming, that’s it, game over until they’ve calmed down so you just have to let them get through it. So while of course you definitely don’t want to allow bad behaviour or give in to things to avoid a tantrum, you DO want to be able to correct behaviour / give instructions without it leading to a tantrum.

We do use humour a lot. Silly things that will make dd laugh if she’s on the brink of a tantrum. For us a flash point is getting her PJs on after the bath. If she’s in that mood and we go stern and “right stop messing around time to get your pajamas on.” It only adds fuel to the fire. So we say “I wonder if you can get your pajamas on in 15 seconds?” And do an out loud count down. Or one of us parents will race her (yes get into PJs ourselves... worth it for a happy bedtime!!).

We also praise her for good things a lot. Or if she is that way out and is on the brink of a tantrum we praise even the tiniest thing done right. Eg oh wow DD you’ve already got your coat off the hook, what a superstar.

I am strict though if she does bad behaviour on purpose. She has a reward chart which we fill with stickers for good behabiour. She gets warned and will then lose a sticker if she does the thing again. And I tell her what she has to do to earn the sticker back (which works a treat, she usually does beautiful ehaviour and gets it back).

It’s tough though, she’s got a younger sibling almost 1 as well and a lot of the time it’s because of sharing attention. I acknowledge that too “it’s hard sometimes having a brother. I know I’m helping him get ready but you’re such a big girl and you are so good at getting your own shoes on I thought I’d help him first.”

I say all this, this is my ideal course of action but I have also been there with shouting when you didn’t want to, being a bit too snappy with a telling off, and have definitely been there with tears in my eyes saying “mummy’s trying her best!!!”

@FizzingWhizzbee123

I’m finding my 3yr old exhausting at the moment and not always enjoyable. He was a very high needs baby and always strong willed. I thought the terrible twos was bad but at least it was periods of calm mixed with raging tantrums.

Now, at 3, I never get a moments peace. He never stops talking, it’s like a constant verbal assault. And usually it’s whinging, asking for things/demanding, “I want”, “do that”, “muuuuummmmmmy”, constant interrupting. He’s knows how to ask nicely but seems to “forget” frequently, no matter how many times I pull him up on it. He just seems so selfish and self centred most of the time (which I frequently have to remind myself is pretty normal for the age, even if it’s not a desirable trait). And oh the sulks.

Please give me to 2 yr old tantrums again! And we still get a couple of tantrums a week too, as he’s struggling to drop his nap and gets very tired. He’s relentless. Our 6 month old is a total walk in the park in comparison.

I love him dearly and he can be so kind and sweet, but this is an age phase I can’t wait to pass.

Same same same to all of this, down to the 6 month old sibling and the annoying noises. He will decide to pretend to be a digger or a drill just as the baby starts crying, or when I’m trying to have a conversation with DH. I wish I’d never let him now how annoying it is because he definitely does it to get a reaction now, whereas previously he was just playing I think.

OP I also have read all the books but increasingly lacking patience to do the strategies. I feel like why tf do I have to do a puppet show just to get you to put on your shoes when you’re the one that wants to go to the park?! 😭🤣

Mine was also a high needs baby, is also very sensitive and very intelligent, which makes it harder because I think I expect too much of him really,

We are in the thick of it so no advice but solidarity!!

Thanks so much everyone. Really great ideas.

Fizzing, that sounds really familiar. I'm so with you. She knows how to listen and be helpful, as demonstrated on her good days. But when she's having a bad day... she even says herself: I'm not a good girl today. But why??

Meadow, I'll check out that book thank you. I was in a 'high spirited/needs babies' group when she was little, and it really resonated!

Vickylou, I love your suggested language, thank you! I'll give it a go. I did used to do that more, but recently I just haven't had the patience

Donlewis, I am TOTALLY going to try 'cry nicely' - that's hilarious, so at least it'll make me laugh.

Folksong, poor you, a puppet show just for the privilege of taking them to the park eh. Solidarity 💪🏼

Also: the constant talking is so exhausting. Both my husband and I are naturally quite introverted, and I find nonstop chatting very tiring. It's sweet a lot of the time, but there's no off button is there.

I think always say to her, ‘ You are always a good girl but that is not good behaviour’ She shouldn’t be saying or thinking she is not a good girl.
I think sometimes it’s so easy to get into a spiral where you spend most of the time furious with each other. Maybe chat to her when she is calm, tell her you understand that having a baby in the house can be a pain in the neck. Ask when she feels really cross if there is anything you can do to help. Tell her it’s really normal to feel angry.
With the shoe thing I would ignore the behaviour if it is a direct eyeball to eyeball challenge. Keep getting ready and then just call her out to get in the pushchair. Just divert her away from the provocative behaviour as if it’s not happening and find a new behaviour that you can give her lots of praise for. You are not going to cause any problems in trying to divert away from a full on tantrum, because if she is going head to head with you there is no chance for constructive interaction or learning anyway. A quick positive move onto something else so you both are not exhausted and stressed is a better plan, and then later in a calmer way you can talk about how lovely it is to have nice soft clean carpet and how ‘we better clean up the mud’
When she is having the tantrum she probably feels scared about how out of control she feels and oddly you putting her on her own outside will make her feel more scared and out of control. My little boy used to have spectacular tantrums and after trying to talk with him which made him angrier, put him in another room which make him hysterically panic I used to just sit with him and try and let it play out without getting upset or angry myself.

Also the fact that she is not a good girl and the baby is a dream baby will definitely create an vibe in the house that she will pick up on. I would try to rethink that in your mind because it will affect how you interact with her.

Cara, you're absolutely right. I really don't want to think of them in those terms, and I know the damage this could do to their future relationship with each other, which I really don't want. It's really hard though, especially in the moment.

I'm sure you are doing great. Remember all is a phase and they do get easier. I literally pull my hair out some days when both children are playing up! Solidarity to all parents of 3yr olds!!