High maintenance 5 year old

[Booksandtea84]

My 5 year old has always needed a lot of attention, entertainment, etc. I'm really struggling w this right now, esp as we have a 5month old. Is this normal? Constant "mummy look", constant commentary on what she's doing. She talks and talks with no pause unless sleeping or watching telly.

She is hugely sociable, doesn't like playing by herself, always wants our attention. She is obvs used to having it being an only child for many years.

When she was younger I'd spend hours reading to her, playing but I'm finding it harder and harder. I still read to her but I limit it to an hour a time (though this is still several times a day). I explain to her that I am no good at playing which I'm not and that it is important to play by herself. I always played by myself and never had my parents playing w me. I don't see a problem with that and I would love any suggestions on how to encourage independent play.

I've just given her some pegs to play with as she is bored of her toys, she put them all together in one long piece and now back to being bored. Am losing will to live.

Q 1, is this normal 5 year behaviour?
Q2, any suggestions?
Q3, does it get better?

Q1. This is normal

Q.2 lots of walks outdoors to tire her out. Pick some nature things for her to make drawings with when you return.
Make her a den to go in with her toys.
Let her help with the baby.
Arrange play dates so you can have adult company and she can play.
Look for a sitters service in your area and arrange some time for a sitter to come and play and do arts and crafts with her and you and baby go for a walk / cafe.

Q.3 this will pass.

As a mother of 3 children over 5 and younger 2 were exactly as you describe. I feel age 7 is the magic number.

Thanks Terra, I live in hope of age 7 then... I feel like once she can read well I can hopefully encourage that...

I have tried the den - not interested
I try to get her into the garden, on the trampoline, told her to find fairies in the garden, not interested...
I encourage helping w baby and she loves her to bits and so I do hope once little one is 1 she will play with her. She is really good w little kids, very caring, spent ages playing w a 1 year old friend recently.

Shes gone off for a walk w dad and baby so I now have time to relax thank god.

Shes great at school, very sensible and easy, able to listen and sit quietly so shes obviously only like this at home

Yes, once my children could read it definitely got easier.
My 6 year old reads me her bedtime story now at night.

It's reassuring she is happy and content at school. Home is her safe place so she is just chattering away working everything out. Sure once your baby is a little bigger life will get easier again. Once your little one is 7 you'll then have more time to deal with baby who will be toddler 🙈🙈

I know lol!! Baby is currently super easy going and happy to just sit and observe the world go by, so I'm hoping that will continue...!

I was just about to post something similar. DS is 5 and is a wonderful kid, easygoing and fun and well behaved. But he CANNOT entertain himself, except for screens. He's had so many screens over the past year I'm really trying to introduce more balance but he can't play unless an adult or other child is very heavily involved and it's fast-paced. I can't be playing with him/directing his attention/setting up activities every minute of the day, so he ends up on screens again so I can make the food, do the washing or whatever and the cycle continues.

My 3yo potters about merrily all day long in her own wee world playing with her toys for hours and occasionally finding me for a chat or 5 minutes of TV before she goes off to play again. My 5yo is totally different.

I wish he could read - he's not massively interested in reading or writing yet (except being read to) but I'm hoping that will help.

Solidarity!

It can be normal, but I will just say, my now 12yo who was incredibly intense in this way, noticeably more so than his peers, was later diagnosed with ADHD.

In hindsight I've learned some other tips as well. When trying to wean them into more independent playing/less intense need for company you have three different factors which all need to be addressed one at a time.

• Your physical proximity
• Your involvement in the activity
• The period of time for them to self-occupy

Often people try to tackle all of them at once and get frustrated that they don't make progress. If you try to stretch out one at a time, you'll probably be more successful. It doesn't really matter if you pick one and stretch that out to the point you're happy with it and then work on the next aspect, or whether you rotate between all three until they're all at the point you're happy with. Sometimes two go hand in hand as well, and you will probably find your child has different tolerance for the different aspects depending on the activity.

So for proximity you might try something like:

• Sitting next to them instead of them being on your lap
• Sitting near them in the same room but not actually right next to them
• Being physically present in the room, giving attention to them/their activity or watching them, but not doing it with them
• Popping in and out of the room
• Eventually being in another room altogether

Then for involvement you can make this kind of transition

• Being physically close, but taking more of a passive role in the activity. For example do not join in, direct their play or give instructions, but wait and see what they will do. If they are asking you questions or otherwise seeking/waiting for direction, try asking them questions about what they want to do.
• Doing something neutral while you are with them such as drinking a cup of tea while they colour or play
• Doing something else which can be interrupted, giving occasional attention to their activity or available if they need help
• Setting an activity up, and then stepping back to let them actually do it alone (it can help to have a stock of activities you can set up in this way)
• Doing something else that takes your attention away

This article is for toddlers but works well for helping transition into a more passive role if you've always taken more of an active/guiding one.
www.janetlansbury.com/2010/08/solo-engagement-fostering-your-toddlers-independent-play/

And time is pretty self explanatory - just increase the time. For example if they can currently continue with something while you leave the room to fetch something or go to the loo, start there and slowly increase the interval to a 5 minute absence, a 10 minute absence etc seeing how long they will stay occupied in an activity.

Lastly making an ideas book/box with them can be a great one. So you make a list of things you can do together, and a list of things they can do by themselves. If they are not reading, choose a picture to represent the activity (google image search + printer works if you're not good at drawing). When you have the time, energy and inclination to do something together they can make a suggestion or pick an item from that page/box, and when you do not, they have the page/box for alone activities to look at for ideas. This helps get them into the mindset of thinking about possibilities rather than just passively waiting to be provided with entertainment. It also helps to make the "do alone" activities really accessible. So perhaps have the colouring stuff in a place they can get it themselves (appreciate this may be difficult if you also have younger siblings around), jigsaws or lego in an accessible storage spot, etc.

Something else that used to annoy me with DS1 was he would come up and wheedle "Can we doooooooo something together?"

AKA I'm bored, fix it.

Used to drive me potty. That's why it's helpful to also have an ideas box for things you can do together - because if he comes up to me and says "I really want to bake a cake, can you help me?" or "I feel like playing a board game, would you like to play?" I feel MUCH more willing and interested to engage. I don't feel used, I feel invited. If I can't do it right that second, I'm much more likely to say OK let's do that (after dinner, tomorrow, at the weekend) and that gives him something to look forward to and an activity which isn't screens.

That's useful advice Bertie. My DSis who is a teacher suggested an activity list for him to choose from but I never got round to it. I'll try to get that sorted this weekend.

Hi @bertiebotts this is so true, this morning I was exhausted with her relentlessness but then she came along and asked to do a specific craft thing with me and I was far more receptive. I generally do all the points you've suggested and have done since she was about 2 or 3, and she goes through phases of being able to play fine. But she then always seems to regress back.

Shes actually pretty good at occupying herself if I or husband are busy but if one of us is in the room she immediately expects us to entertain her. She also talks non stop, started talking at about 18 months and never stopped since...

I do think it's a personality thing and she is just super sociable, plus she's always had our full attention as she was an only child for 5 years.