AIBU? Baby and other half!

[Maya2920]

Hi guys,

I don’t even know where to start so it all don’t seem like a massive ramble mess!

I have a baby who is nearly 1 and sometimes (like right now) I just feel so ‘done’ and exhausted with everything and everyone. Obviously my baby was born during lockdown and although it has been amazing because it’s created an amazingly close bond, but it’s also been so, so difficult. I do have a partner but he doesn’t really help with our daughter.. he says it’s because he goes to work (which I really am grateful for) but I’m literally left with everything (I feel like a single parent most of the time). My baby is super needy for only me but the only people she knows is me and her dad and I’m the only person that does anything for her so with anyone else other than me it’s a massive no no from her and it’s so exhausting. Her night time sleep is still awful! She just won’t sleep in her cot. I’ve tried letting her cry it out but she’ll just cry and cry until she’s sick. I’ve tried cradling her until she’s back into a deep sleep (suggested by HV) but no luck.. she just wakes up and back to screaming 10 minutes later. I’ve tried staying by her cot and making my presence gently known but as soon as I’m gone she back to crying and screaming again so I’m still co-sleeping for half the night with her otherwise I won’t get any sleep and there’s no let up in the day or chance for me to have a break so I feel like it’s the only option. My baby does have a nap in the day but I have to use that time to tidy/clean or it’ll just be an argument if I don’t :(

I just don’t feel like me anymore. I just feel a bit resentful but often feel guilty for it because my other half does go out to work and I feel like I am being unreasonable and wrong for feeling the way that I do. I am a first time mum and I’m not sure if this is just how it is and I need to suck it up and be a better mum or I’m in my right to feel a bit meh.

It isnt that he isnt 'helping'....he isn't sharing the responsibility of parenting. He should want to spend time with his DC and also give you a break. He sounds selfish and unsupportive.

I’m afraid I fully agree with mybonnie. Your DP needs to step up for your sake, and also for his own! It’s sad to think of him not developing a relationship with his DD in these early(ish) days. I’d throw him in the deep end next time he’s off work. Take yourself out for a nice 3-hour walk and/or tea, and have him take on a meaningful chunk of time with DD.

That sounds so hard OP, I’m not surprised you’re feeling exhausted and resentful.
In my opinion it is not acceptable for a man to just go to work and do nothing more to contribute to family life. A standard working week is only 40 hours but caring for a baby plus housework, cooking, shopping etc amounts to far more effort than 40 hours on your part. Not to mention the impact of interrupted sleep on your energy levels.

If after a proper talk with your OH he does not step up I would probably bide my time and plan my exit from the relationship. In my experience, when men act like this they don’t enjoy being a father and neither do they respect you. Often their highly gendered approach to family life is rooted in very deep seated sexism that would require an awful lot of personal reflection and self growth to overcome.

My baby does have a nap in the day but I have to use that time to tidy/clean or it’ll just be an argument if I don’t

That's not ok

You're no use to anyone if you're exhausted. Put yourself before housework etc and when he's at home he needs to be pulling his weight.

You both need to see that your working day is looking after your DD, then when you're both home things should be split evenly. And given that you're not getting a decent nights sleep he needs to do more in the evenings to give you a break. Yes he goes to work, but his responsibility to his family doesn't start at 9am and end at 5pm - its a 24/7 job as you know.

If he doesn't start pulling his weight, you'd be better off alone. That way you'd at least get a break when he looked after DD a couple of times a week. Its honestly easier to be a lone parent than to be in a relationship with a man who makes your life harder. Been there done that.

A standard working week is only 40 hours but caring for a baby plus housework, cooking, shopping etc amounts to far more effort than 40 hours on your part. Not to mention the impact of interrupted sleep on your energy levels.

Indeed. How many hours per week do you estimate you spend caring for your little one single-handedly, op? Pretty sure his contract will also include all sorts of leave allowance too, won't it?

Pp are right of course, your partner isn't an occasional babysitter, or a 1950s husband. Caring for his child is as much his responsibility as yours. Alright so baby maybe more attached to your right now (normal) but he should be supporting you in every way he can.

It is a very tough time, of course, for all mums but that doesn't mean you're not up to scratch for struggling. The point is that you cannot be expected to care for your baby, who relies on you utterly, while also running a household single-handedly.

It's time he stepped up.

If your partner won't (and it is wont here, not can't ) then now restrictions are easing if you can lean on friends and family for help please do so. In fact, do so even if you're partner does face up to his responsibilities - you need (and deserve) a break!

However you're feeding baby, then please don't allow mum-guilt prevent you from adapting to new feeding methods to make things easier. If you're breast feeding but bottle feeding will make a difference, then please don't rule out a change (or even supplementing) because you feel guilty. Too many mums crucify themselves over such things!

Also, remember, however hard and awful things feel right now, this will pass. It will get better, and you will feel rested and like yourself again

Does your DP do anything either round the house or looking after the baby?

He can’t be working 24/7

Your partner is awful. Leave him with the baby for the day and then see if he says it’s not work. Just because you’re not paid for it doesn’t mean it isn’t work!

He should be doing half the house work and half the parenting when he isn’t at work. That’s not to do you a favour, that’s to pull his weight and (should be) a basic expectation.

If it were me I’d be seriously questioning whether to stay in this relationship. He should WANT to spend time with his baby and it’s really sad he doesn’t. You might find it easier being a single parent, there’d be one less person to clear up after and if you want to rest when the baby naps you won’t get aggro for it.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, it’s really unfair.

Have you tried co sleeping?

I do this with my 2.4 year old, it’s the only way we get some sleep

Does your OH help at weekends?

So your DP works 37.5 hours a week and you work 24/7. That’s not fair.

You'd have eow free if you split, sounds like a nice break.

Your DP needs to take over baby when he gets back from work, he needs to make the effort to bond with her. He needs to do fun things like a bubble bath at night, then into PJ’s and a bedtime story. She may resist at first but he needs to persist and it will become her new normal.
You should not worry about having cleaned/tidied - that is not a healthy relationship.
Co sleep - I did it with mine, it’s absolutely necessary that you both get good quality sleep.
Do you have any friends/family that can help you and give you company/time out ?
Are you planning on going back to work/putting baby in nursery at any point ?
Do you rent your home or do you both own it ?
Do you have your own bank account/a joint bank account ?

So doesn't your partner do anything for his baby?

Yes he works, but in the evenings you should share the care.

Massive red flag if he argues with you about not cleaning and tidying.

Re sleep, have you tried gradual retreat? Thats ideal if she’s calm when you’re there. Look it up but basically you start right by her cot, then after a few minutes take a step back, gradually make your way to the door. That way your DD knows you’re still there but you get away eventually. Might be worth a try.

My OH does complete 50/50 childcare & 50/50 housework even when I was on maternity & he was working. We are a team. We alternate who gets up in the night (I did more on mat leave admittedly as I could sleep in the daytime sometimes) & who gets up at 6am when they wake up (the other gets a ‘lie in’ until 7.15ish on a work day 😂) we do bath & bedtime together. We share complete responsibility over the weekend & recognise when the other needs a break etc. My OH regularly takes both kids to the park or for a walk. As a result, the kids def don’t see a difference between us. They don’t automatically want mummy for everything.. sometimes it me, sometimes it’s daddy. And I love that, he is as much their parent as I am & has equal time with them really.
Housework wise, he does all cooking & online food shop, that’s his domain. We share hoovering. I do the bathrooms & washing mostly. Again, equal split on the whole! In fact, he probably does more to be honest 🙈

Your OH sounds pretty selfish. He needs to step up & support you! And also be a parent to his child that he co-created!